MANTRA
My son is down stairs in his bassinette. He’s been asleep for a little over a half hour but I can hear him starting to fuss. He ate right before I put him down and he’s been changed. Today he’s just been fussy no matter what I do with him. I’m going to let him lay there for about another hour.
It’s safe to say that I hate him and would rather not be dealing with this.
After five days a week you get used to the flow at work. Kyle’s schedules last, at best, a week and then completely change. He doesn’t want to sleep during the same time as last week, he doesn’t like to be held in the same ways that he did just two days ago, he does want to eat every couple of hours, but that can change if he’s asleep. When this happens I’ve tried waking him up and feeding him…but then he’s an asshole for the better part of the day.
Yup…I just called my five month old son an asshole.
I’m a monster.
I never made the decision of wanting or not wanting children. I figured if it happened then that was the time for it. I couldn’t ever see myself saying,
“I really want to have kids.”
But I didn’t feel as if I wanted to go through life…without…one. I dunno. I guess I can’t explain. I was neutral. I liked my life however. I never felt that kids were this big thing that would fulfill my existence and validate who I was. Fuck that! I don’t need to spit out a child to give me something to love! You will never hear me say that I finally know what love is because I have a child. I never needed a son to show me how to love. Sometimes it’s as if I feel the way I do about him because I’ve been conditioned my whole life.
“Babies are a blessing from God.”
Where the fuck is God then on days like today? Where is he to control my hand when I want nothing better than to throw my son across the room because he’s yelling in my ear? They term these feeling as Postpartum Depression. It’s said that they are normal and there are medications you can take to help control them. (Cruise vs. Sheilds)
Great. I’ll look into them. Thing of it is this…before I do I’m going to go around to every fucking person that said how different my life would be with a child, how I should get all the sleep I can, watch all the movies I want, go out and be myself as much as possible before he comes and beat them all with a rattle ‘til I see blood. Fuck these people for not mentioning how much of yourself you leave behind the second you hear your child scream. There warnings weren’t sincere, they thought they were being cute and funny. If someone were to ask me right now if they should have kids I would tell them not to.
“It’ll get better.”
That’s the fucking mantra of the world around me the last couple months. Will it? Will it really get better? Cause the only way I see this is going to happen is if I give up hope of ever being the person I once was. Where do I find the equilibrium between who I was and who I have to be for my son? It’ll come with time I’m certain, but where will I find the strength until then? Who the fuck am I supposed to be right now? Maybe I’m over thinking everything. Maybe I just want to go downstairs and watch T.V. or draw or eat without listening to him. Maybe I do want to be selfish and take my life back just for a moment. Maybe I’d like to feel like that is possible. I’ve changed my job, traded my car, given up sleeping through an entire night, and given up on doing anything that I love for him.
But I have to apologize!
I have to take care of him because this is my fault. I have to love him because he never asked to be here. I forced him into existence. I forced him to grow. I forced him to be born. I forced this reality and experience upon him. He never had a choice in all of this. For all the pro-life people, think about this;
If that poor little innocent baby never had the chance to tell you how much they wanted to live before being aborted, did they ever get the chance to say that they didn’t?
Parents are selfish bastards for having their children in the first place. Then they spend the rest of their lives asking for forgiveness.
RECOMMENDATIONS:
Music: 10,000 Days - TOOL
Movie: Silent Hill
Television: Rescue Me (FX)
Book: City of the Dead - Brian Keene
It’s safe to say that I hate him and would rather not be dealing with this.
After five days a week you get used to the flow at work. Kyle’s schedules last, at best, a week and then completely change. He doesn’t want to sleep during the same time as last week, he doesn’t like to be held in the same ways that he did just two days ago, he does want to eat every couple of hours, but that can change if he’s asleep. When this happens I’ve tried waking him up and feeding him…but then he’s an asshole for the better part of the day.
Yup…I just called my five month old son an asshole.
I’m a monster.
I never made the decision of wanting or not wanting children. I figured if it happened then that was the time for it. I couldn’t ever see myself saying,
“I really want to have kids.”
But I didn’t feel as if I wanted to go through life…without…one. I dunno. I guess I can’t explain. I was neutral. I liked my life however. I never felt that kids were this big thing that would fulfill my existence and validate who I was. Fuck that! I don’t need to spit out a child to give me something to love! You will never hear me say that I finally know what love is because I have a child. I never needed a son to show me how to love. Sometimes it’s as if I feel the way I do about him because I’ve been conditioned my whole life.
“Babies are a blessing from God.”
Where the fuck is God then on days like today? Where is he to control my hand when I want nothing better than to throw my son across the room because he’s yelling in my ear? They term these feeling as Postpartum Depression. It’s said that they are normal and there are medications you can take to help control them. (Cruise vs. Sheilds)
Great. I’ll look into them. Thing of it is this…before I do I’m going to go around to every fucking person that said how different my life would be with a child, how I should get all the sleep I can, watch all the movies I want, go out and be myself as much as possible before he comes and beat them all with a rattle ‘til I see blood. Fuck these people for not mentioning how much of yourself you leave behind the second you hear your child scream. There warnings weren’t sincere, they thought they were being cute and funny. If someone were to ask me right now if they should have kids I would tell them not to.
“It’ll get better.”
That’s the fucking mantra of the world around me the last couple months. Will it? Will it really get better? Cause the only way I see this is going to happen is if I give up hope of ever being the person I once was. Where do I find the equilibrium between who I was and who I have to be for my son? It’ll come with time I’m certain, but where will I find the strength until then? Who the fuck am I supposed to be right now? Maybe I’m over thinking everything. Maybe I just want to go downstairs and watch T.V. or draw or eat without listening to him. Maybe I do want to be selfish and take my life back just for a moment. Maybe I’d like to feel like that is possible. I’ve changed my job, traded my car, given up sleeping through an entire night, and given up on doing anything that I love for him.
But I have to apologize!
I have to take care of him because this is my fault. I have to love him because he never asked to be here. I forced him into existence. I forced him to grow. I forced him to be born. I forced this reality and experience upon him. He never had a choice in all of this. For all the pro-life people, think about this;
If that poor little innocent baby never had the chance to tell you how much they wanted to live before being aborted, did they ever get the chance to say that they didn’t?
Parents are selfish bastards for having their children in the first place. Then they spend the rest of their lives asking for forgiveness.
RECOMMENDATIONS:
Music: 10,000 Days - TOOL
Movie: Silent Hill
Television: Rescue Me (FX)
Book: City of the Dead - Brian Keene