(no subject)
It poured rain as I drove home from work. It rained every Tuesday last summer. This day there was a rainbow to remind me of the beautiful things in life. It gave a small amount of comfort as I turned on my phone to find the announcement and the photo. Which brought back the familiar flood of tears and heartbreak. That morning I met my boss at Starbucks and cried uncontrollably that it was the day I had counted down to for months. The anticipated relief didn't kick in. Instead anger at being abandoned as she embraced her new life and her new family. Confusion as people kept telling me to be happy for her, what a deserving mother she was, and that I should send her a gift. I didn't want to see the pictures. It took months before I could accept that this new child was actually indeed my sister. Yet someone I won't know her for many years, if ever. And who knows by then if she will be poisoned with their ideas and start to hate the person in the photos on the wall that no one speaks about. I am no longer a person to my mom, just a concept to be battled with. I took every ounce of courage and went to meet my little sister, trying to make peace. Instead she told me "I fear raising my child in a world with people like you who do the kind of evil things you are doing." That was the best worst thing she could have said to me. It was the thing that helped me to let go of he and begin to grieve that empty place in my life she should occupy. I don't want to see her, I don't want to talk to her, all I want is for her to leave me alone to live my life. And I think of her sometimes....as she celebrated the first birthday of her youngest child yesterday. But it's not all consuming anymore. I can breathe. I can feel things without the pain taking over and shutting me down. I can stop obessing about what she is telling people about me and how I am percieved in the world. I think I just may survive this.