(no subject)
I think I’m ready to walk away.
But I’m wondering if I owe her an explanation or if her own actions should be explanation enough? I know not everyone thinks like me. Am I being too confident about what I deserve? Are my expectations too high? Am I running away and putting up my wall too quickly?
It’s been nine years. I’ve visited her five times in three different states. She has not been to see me once. I’ve watched her post about many trips to see other friends.
I stood by her on her wedding day as her maid of honor and planned her bachelorette party. I flew in early and was the most supportive friend I could be. She didn’t call me on my wedding day. It’s been three months, and she still hasn’t called to congratulate me. She hasn’t posted one comment on my wedding pictures.
I sent her a letter with a picture from my wedding and my new address and told her about my trip to DC. No response. Instead I read on her facebook that she was in DC the same weekend.
I haven’t seen her in two years. At what point do we call it what it is and stop pretending we are still best friends? I don’t expect things from people they haven’t set me up to expect.
Do I owe her something for the time we spent making silly movies together? Do I owe her something for all my late night phone calls when I was trying not to self-injure? Do I owe her something for standing by me when I dated that non-christian boy when all my other friends walked out of my life? Do I owe her something for that homemade birthday box full of little encouraging notes? Do I owe her something for the moments we shared praying together? Do I owe her something for trying to understand when I came out, despite the serious value conflict she was experiencing? Do I owe her something based on history?
Or can we just let that be what it was, and let this be now. It’s been two years since I’ve seen her. I don’t want to take that phone call once every six months and pretend that we understand each other. It’s the pretending that hurts the most. It’s the hanging onto something that has stopped thriving long ago. I just want to cut things off and be done with it, but sometimes those people creep back up on you eventually looking for their explanation.
Or maybe the scariest thing to me is that she might never come looking or asking. Maybe the scariest part is that I really could just disappear from her life and she would be relieved not to have to tend to this friendship anymore.
But I’m wondering if I owe her an explanation or if her own actions should be explanation enough? I know not everyone thinks like me. Am I being too confident about what I deserve? Are my expectations too high? Am I running away and putting up my wall too quickly?
It’s been nine years. I’ve visited her five times in three different states. She has not been to see me once. I’ve watched her post about many trips to see other friends.
I stood by her on her wedding day as her maid of honor and planned her bachelorette party. I flew in early and was the most supportive friend I could be. She didn’t call me on my wedding day. It’s been three months, and she still hasn’t called to congratulate me. She hasn’t posted one comment on my wedding pictures.
I sent her a letter with a picture from my wedding and my new address and told her about my trip to DC. No response. Instead I read on her facebook that she was in DC the same weekend.
I haven’t seen her in two years. At what point do we call it what it is and stop pretending we are still best friends? I don’t expect things from people they haven’t set me up to expect.
Do I owe her something for the time we spent making silly movies together? Do I owe her something for all my late night phone calls when I was trying not to self-injure? Do I owe her something for standing by me when I dated that non-christian boy when all my other friends walked out of my life? Do I owe her something for that homemade birthday box full of little encouraging notes? Do I owe her something for the moments we shared praying together? Do I owe her something for trying to understand when I came out, despite the serious value conflict she was experiencing? Do I owe her something based on history?
Or can we just let that be what it was, and let this be now. It’s been two years since I’ve seen her. I don’t want to take that phone call once every six months and pretend that we understand each other. It’s the pretending that hurts the most. It’s the hanging onto something that has stopped thriving long ago. I just want to cut things off and be done with it, but sometimes those people creep back up on you eventually looking for their explanation.
Or maybe the scariest thing to me is that she might never come looking or asking. Maybe the scariest part is that I really could just disappear from her life and she would be relieved not to have to tend to this friendship anymore.