maybe some other day

[elayissex]

sometimes its hard to grasp the present. sometimes its hard to realize, that the things that you once had - that meant the world to you..are left as memorys - and there is apsolutely nothing you can do about it. we were suppose to turn their heads, change the world - prove them wrong. and all of that, is now gone. i cant help but feeling as if ive lost something. I cant help but punching myself for finally giveing up. But after awhile, of being the only one trying - it begins to be easier to just give up. Ive tried so hard, i put my heart - my mind, my body....every bit of every day,and every moment of the last year and a half - into makeing "us" work..and i just, cant do it anymore.lately ive been treated like trash. I havent been treated the way i should. Alot of people dont really see this, but there a few who do. and its funny, how when your with somebody......all these people wont come foward, but as soon as you and that someone, are no longer together - people come to you, telling you that you did the right thing. I dont feel like ive done anything right, if you would truely like to know. I feel like theres something ive done, that has made him grow distant from me - and just stop careing. josh tells me someday he will realize what he lost...i wish someday i could realize what i lost - but maybe....i never had him in the first place. i hate how i reach a comfort zone somewhere.....with someone, and then they just leave. i hate how they screw with my mind, and truely make me beleive they will be there forever. i dont feel beautiful, i dont feel awesome - i dont feel anything. i feel like everything has been stolen away, again - and i am left at the begining. if this thing called love, that everyone trys to achieve so badly..hurts this bad, every time - then why do they even try anymore?? someone always ends up hurt..and right now, that someone is me. and i want to run back to him so badly, i want to tell him - that i dont want any of this..but i cant...he needs this - and i love him enough, to let him have it. i cant be selfish this time. i have to go on with my life liveing, and feeling as if there is hope for me out there - and that someone like him, will find me..again, and love me, for who i am. but maybe he never truely did. and maybe i set myself up, because i have a tendency to do so. but he broke some teenage girls heart, - he killed it more so...and i dont know, how im suppose to feel love - again. i know it will happen in time, but what if it happends - and i give up, because i dont want to be hurt like this again. scott was my first love i guess. i was with people before,but never did i truely give someone my heart, like i gave it to him. and lately, slowly - hes been giveing it back. never in a million years, did i expect this from him......i really thought this one...cared. i cant write anymore, ive been up since 6 - not being able to sleep,and just laying there thinking, and i think maybe i should go back to bed. i dont know, i love you all.
<333
Lydia