The Burning Platform
Need to pour out my emotions somewhere. I don't really have someone I can pour these out on so I'll do what I always do: write about it.
My mom's in a hospital now.
I learned about her condition when I answered a call to my mobile at around 1500hrs earlier. I heard her faint, feeble voice over the phone. I reacted very logically, asked the proper questions, found out that she is confined in the hospital, that she had a whole physical collapse the previous day. She'll have an endoscopy later today.
I can't lose her. Not now. Not when everything is so close at hand. Not when there's big changes that are going to happen.
I tried to downplay my emotions to my friends. They were appropriately concerned, of course. My reaction to these things is an emotionless zombie state which is still thankfully functional. I figured no one really truly cares anyway, not because they're intrinsically uncaring, but just because no one really gets all the little fleeting emotions that run amok at times like this. Plus it's particularly hard to articulate anyway... so just let it be, I thought.
God. Ironic word... "god." Coming from an atheist like me. Can't help it though. It comes from a very helpless place inside myself, desperate for something to grasp at to give me any sliver of hope for what things might come.
The person I could think of who could help me was Dale. I know it's bordering on unethical to disturb his world now but ethics aside I know I needed help. I rarely ask for help, but I knew if I had to cry out for something, this would be it. He responded. Of course he would.
And now as I ponder that, would I respond the same way if the situation was flipped? The honest answer was, I don't know. But this simple act of kindness is fucking enough to cement my commitment to his family as well if things go wrong. It sure as hell is enough to also have this endlessly deep well of gratitude to Tita Jane who rushed to my mom's aid faster than I did.
You know, for years I sort of tried to figure out what the big deal was on the concept of a family. I tried to escape the ties from mine for so long, it led me to pursue lifestyles that led me far away from that. But now, I think now I understand. I truly understand. And now I find myself in this totally cut off world with a whole past of choices that are pretty much oblivious to my family.
It hurts to think of the weight of my past choices in lieu of that. It fucking really does. I feel like berating myself like, oh I don't know, "hell, boy, you fucking fool." But I'm not that dramatic these days. These days I take whatever tools I have, and channel it towards a single purpose.
Therefore I change my path. I am refocusing my energies into two simple things. The freedom of helping what's left of my family, and taking all goddamn necessary steps to ensure I mitigate all the fucking risks there are. I will stop at nothing to achieve this. I am shedding my youth behind to fill in this role, I will take on the active role of safeguarding my family's interest and safety. Enough self gratification. My existence is now specifically for this particular purpose until I fix all those gaps. If I'm so fucking good in managing someone else's business, I better use that skill where it counts most: my own family and life.
So. Universe. i WILL have enough time with her as I continue to be an instrument in the fulfillment in the will of others as well. That's my declaration.
My mom's in a hospital now.
I learned about her condition when I answered a call to my mobile at around 1500hrs earlier. I heard her faint, feeble voice over the phone. I reacted very logically, asked the proper questions, found out that she is confined in the hospital, that she had a whole physical collapse the previous day. She'll have an endoscopy later today.
I can't lose her. Not now. Not when everything is so close at hand. Not when there's big changes that are going to happen.
I tried to downplay my emotions to my friends. They were appropriately concerned, of course. My reaction to these things is an emotionless zombie state which is still thankfully functional. I figured no one really truly cares anyway, not because they're intrinsically uncaring, but just because no one really gets all the little fleeting emotions that run amok at times like this. Plus it's particularly hard to articulate anyway... so just let it be, I thought.
God. Ironic word... "god." Coming from an atheist like me. Can't help it though. It comes from a very helpless place inside myself, desperate for something to grasp at to give me any sliver of hope for what things might come.
The person I could think of who could help me was Dale. I know it's bordering on unethical to disturb his world now but ethics aside I know I needed help. I rarely ask for help, but I knew if I had to cry out for something, this would be it. He responded. Of course he would.
And now as I ponder that, would I respond the same way if the situation was flipped? The honest answer was, I don't know. But this simple act of kindness is fucking enough to cement my commitment to his family as well if things go wrong. It sure as hell is enough to also have this endlessly deep well of gratitude to Tita Jane who rushed to my mom's aid faster than I did.
You know, for years I sort of tried to figure out what the big deal was on the concept of a family. I tried to escape the ties from mine for so long, it led me to pursue lifestyles that led me far away from that. But now, I think now I understand. I truly understand. And now I find myself in this totally cut off world with a whole past of choices that are pretty much oblivious to my family.
It hurts to think of the weight of my past choices in lieu of that. It fucking really does. I feel like berating myself like, oh I don't know, "hell, boy, you fucking fool." But I'm not that dramatic these days. These days I take whatever tools I have, and channel it towards a single purpose.
Therefore I change my path. I am refocusing my energies into two simple things. The freedom of helping what's left of my family, and taking all goddamn necessary steps to ensure I mitigate all the fucking risks there are. I will stop at nothing to achieve this. I am shedding my youth behind to fill in this role, I will take on the active role of safeguarding my family's interest and safety. Enough self gratification. My existence is now specifically for this particular purpose until I fix all those gaps. If I'm so fucking good in managing someone else's business, I better use that skill where it counts most: my own family and life.
So. Universe. i WILL have enough time with her as I continue to be an instrument in the fulfillment in the will of others as well. That's my declaration.