Cross dressing heteros freaks me out
My man is NOT a cross dresser. Actually, he's a sloppy BOY, who thinks girl stuff is kinda boring (ie, always complaining about my makeup taking so long, rolling his eyes when I go into a beauty store, his eyes getting that glazed over spaced out look when I ask him advice on outfits. However, this is how MY STRANGE TWISTED brain decided to have a mini freak session at the thought of being a crossdresser's girlfriend...
I am a model. Which means I am very insecure about myself. Think about it. You're whole childhood experience is basically adults not paying any attention to you. Pretty much ignoring you. But once in a while these tall adults will look down at you with admiring smiles and tell your parents what a pretty little girl you are. They pinch your cheeks and go one about you're pretty natural curls, you're great big smile. AND PRESTO!
Wow, you DO exist!
That's pretty much my childhood. Most of the time I was invisible. The only times I got attention was when someone was saying I was cute/beautiful. I begin to believe very early in life that you're worth is based on how you look. Now, fast forward for a while. First boyfriend. Pretty much treated me like crap, except when he wasn't hot to touch my naked body. "You're so hot"...he'd say.
THE FOLLOWING IS AN EXCERPT OF MY THOUGHT LIFE AT AGE 19:
I wonder how he'd treat me if I WASN'T hot? Probably like I' invisible...shit, I better DO MORE MODELING so I can say it's OFFICIAL that I AM beautiful therefore avoid getting dumped and/or cheated on. Then lo and behold I come across a few snobby photographers or agencies that pick my physical traits apart to try and sell me pictures of myself. "Oh you're too fat/thin, you look like a pig in this picture. Let me sell you better pictures so maybe you won't look so horribly ugly and maybe have a chance at being a model..." They classic photomill scam. Luckily I'M too flat broke to get caught up in it. Can't squeeze blood from a turnip.
Photoshoots photoshoots photoshoots. You'll never be a model,you're not the right "type". You might be able to be a model if you get your hair cut/ grow it out. Oh yeah, a real modeling job! OMG I'm in a magazine! Yay...for a while. But then the "mean reds" come and you begin to second guess yourself. Yeah, I was a model in a fashion editorial for a local magazine, but that was then and this is now...what if I lost "it"? What if that time was just a fluke? OMG MY BOYFRIEND DUMPED ME!! What does that MEAN? I must have lost "it", or else he wouldn't have dumped me. OMG I'm so old! Maybe I should get lipo? AAAAARRRRGGGHHH! A ZIT!!!
I will not give in! I WILL BE BEAUTIFUL AND MAINTAIN MY TITLE AS A MODEL SO I CAN BE WORTH LOVING AGAIN AND MAYBE I'LL GET A BOYFRIEND WHO WILL LIKE ME BETTER!!!!
Pathetic isn't it? Fast forward to AGE 24:
And then I met my soul mate. He LOVES ME. Treats me right. This is a good because I love him, too. I gotta keep this thing going...OMG HE'S LOOKING AT OTHER GIRLS DAMMIT DAMMIT I'M LOSING HIM...Ok, calm down. You know what to do...BECOME A MODEL AGAIN!!
So anyway, Present time. I know this is not healthy mind-talk. I try to fix this somehow. I look up videos on self confidence...and stumble upon this dude dressed as a chick, talking about how he's a cross dresser called Jessica Who. I think, this is good, someone different like that knows about how to get self confidence....
But this guy turns out to be straight. STRAIGHT?! How can he be straight? He's pretending to be a girl...But apparently he IS straight. Not transgendered, just enjoys wearing girl clothes. How does his wife deal? She's apparently doing well.
And then suddenly I ask myself...what would I do if I were in her situation? I close my eyes and use my imagination to see what it would feel like to have the love of my life tell me he liked to dress like a girl...
Suddenly, I burst into tears at the thought. Everything inside me feels broken. It's then I realize while some woman can be in a relationship with a crossdresser, I can never be.
See, as twisted as this is... I NEED to be the "pretty" one in the relationship. Even if I am prettier than a CD boyfriend just because I am a natural woman (which I hate to be crude but in hetero crossdressing couples I've seen this is usually the case), it still feels like an affront to my being good enough.
Will you criticize my hair now? Will you have a "higher standard" to my appearance because YOU think YOU know more about being a pretty girl than I do? God, I get that enough from hater bitches I know. I don't need that from the man I love. Not when he's the one I want most to find me attractive. It would be like standing in front of a judge...honey, you're hair is turning grey, want to borrow some of my wrinkle cream?
Will he get grossed out when I'm just hanging around the house in my sweats and a ponytail? I can imagine myself shrinking with embarrassment when my husband informs me that my jeans don't match my blouse, or when the clothes I like aren't to HIS liking.
I want my man to think I'm BEAUTIFUL. I want him to enjoy looking at me. When I wear a sexy negligee to arouse him, will he be thinking it would look better on him? Is he going to steal my shoes when we go out?
But if he were to play "woman", would he think he is better suited to be one than I am? That perhaps there is no more need for me? It would be a constant inner struggle of wondering if he deep down thinks I don't meet the requirements. I'm a failure to my gender.
He stole the only weapon I know how to use. Beauty.
After this I cried and cried and cried, and had to remind myself that my man ISN'T a crossdresser. Calm down.
I am a model. Which means I am very insecure about myself. Think about it. You're whole childhood experience is basically adults not paying any attention to you. Pretty much ignoring you. But once in a while these tall adults will look down at you with admiring smiles and tell your parents what a pretty little girl you are. They pinch your cheeks and go one about you're pretty natural curls, you're great big smile. AND PRESTO!
Wow, you DO exist!
That's pretty much my childhood. Most of the time I was invisible. The only times I got attention was when someone was saying I was cute/beautiful. I begin to believe very early in life that you're worth is based on how you look. Now, fast forward for a while. First boyfriend. Pretty much treated me like crap, except when he wasn't hot to touch my naked body. "You're so hot"...he'd say.
THE FOLLOWING IS AN EXCERPT OF MY THOUGHT LIFE AT AGE 19:
I wonder how he'd treat me if I WASN'T hot? Probably like I' invisible...shit, I better DO MORE MODELING so I can say it's OFFICIAL that I AM beautiful therefore avoid getting dumped and/or cheated on. Then lo and behold I come across a few snobby photographers or agencies that pick my physical traits apart to try and sell me pictures of myself. "Oh you're too fat/thin, you look like a pig in this picture. Let me sell you better pictures so maybe you won't look so horribly ugly and maybe have a chance at being a model..." They classic photomill scam. Luckily I'M too flat broke to get caught up in it. Can't squeeze blood from a turnip.
Photoshoots photoshoots photoshoots. You'll never be a model,you're not the right "type". You might be able to be a model if you get your hair cut/ grow it out. Oh yeah, a real modeling job! OMG I'm in a magazine! Yay...for a while. But then the "mean reds" come and you begin to second guess yourself. Yeah, I was a model in a fashion editorial for a local magazine, but that was then and this is now...what if I lost "it"? What if that time was just a fluke? OMG MY BOYFRIEND DUMPED ME!! What does that MEAN? I must have lost "it", or else he wouldn't have dumped me. OMG I'm so old! Maybe I should get lipo? AAAAARRRRGGGHHH! A ZIT!!!
I will not give in! I WILL BE BEAUTIFUL AND MAINTAIN MY TITLE AS A MODEL SO I CAN BE WORTH LOVING AGAIN AND MAYBE I'LL GET A BOYFRIEND WHO WILL LIKE ME BETTER!!!!
Pathetic isn't it? Fast forward to AGE 24:
And then I met my soul mate. He LOVES ME. Treats me right. This is a good because I love him, too. I gotta keep this thing going...OMG HE'S LOOKING AT OTHER GIRLS DAMMIT DAMMIT I'M LOSING HIM...Ok, calm down. You know what to do...BECOME A MODEL AGAIN!!
So anyway, Present time. I know this is not healthy mind-talk. I try to fix this somehow. I look up videos on self confidence...and stumble upon this dude dressed as a chick, talking about how he's a cross dresser called Jessica Who. I think, this is good, someone different like that knows about how to get self confidence....
But this guy turns out to be straight. STRAIGHT?! How can he be straight? He's pretending to be a girl...But apparently he IS straight. Not transgendered, just enjoys wearing girl clothes. How does his wife deal? She's apparently doing well.
And then suddenly I ask myself...what would I do if I were in her situation? I close my eyes and use my imagination to see what it would feel like to have the love of my life tell me he liked to dress like a girl...
Suddenly, I burst into tears at the thought. Everything inside me feels broken. It's then I realize while some woman can be in a relationship with a crossdresser, I can never be.
See, as twisted as this is... I NEED to be the "pretty" one in the relationship. Even if I am prettier than a CD boyfriend just because I am a natural woman (which I hate to be crude but in hetero crossdressing couples I've seen this is usually the case), it still feels like an affront to my being good enough.
Will you criticize my hair now? Will you have a "higher standard" to my appearance because YOU think YOU know more about being a pretty girl than I do? God, I get that enough from hater bitches I know. I don't need that from the man I love. Not when he's the one I want most to find me attractive. It would be like standing in front of a judge...honey, you're hair is turning grey, want to borrow some of my wrinkle cream?
Will he get grossed out when I'm just hanging around the house in my sweats and a ponytail? I can imagine myself shrinking with embarrassment when my husband informs me that my jeans don't match my blouse, or when the clothes I like aren't to HIS liking.
I want my man to think I'm BEAUTIFUL. I want him to enjoy looking at me. When I wear a sexy negligee to arouse him, will he be thinking it would look better on him? Is he going to steal my shoes when we go out?
But if he were to play "woman", would he think he is better suited to be one than I am? That perhaps there is no more need for me? It would be a constant inner struggle of wondering if he deep down thinks I don't meet the requirements. I'm a failure to my gender.
He stole the only weapon I know how to use. Beauty.
After this I cried and cried and cried, and had to remind myself that my man ISN'T a crossdresser. Calm down.