The ultimatum! (mom and caa, f&f, family archives)
Dad called this morning to say
1. His sweetie is coming over on the fourth to grill and cook for him;
2. He really doesn't know what is going on in the relationship (repeated multiple times), but that's why he has a therapist; and
3. discuss the mom's planning calendar i have for Christine's and my wedding.
I think he thought the calendar had more personal content. It may have at one time, and she purged it. Not sure why pages are missing although i assume they may have been empty?
All he recalled was that i was busy with my first year of graduate school and annoyed by all the planning.
It turns out i'd left piles of files out from yesterday, so while we were talking i sorted through and finally found the letter from me Mom mentioned. The ultimatum was that
* she call Christine to discuss details of the wedding and if they couldn't agree i would be willing to get involved
or
* she just plan the big party for family in Florida (where my parents and siblings were living at the time), and Christine and i would handle a small simple wedding in Raleigh.
The fact that this worked up to an "ultimatum" is impressive, and it lays the whole ground work for Mom not communicating with Christine and general bad mother-in-law behavior.
I really did not care about wedding details. I did care about not enforcing archaic gendered patterns in the wedding, and i really didn't want to be dressed up like a doll. I suspect that did not fit with her vision of planning a wedding and did not fit with how i was supposed to behave.
--== ∞ ==--
So, i went through a box, and this box was all about me. My letters, clippings of school honors, etc. I purged generic ephemera. Then i went through a fat hanging folder full of "birthday" cards, and i purged basically generic cards.
I did find a treasure, a letter Mom's mother wrote to my great grandmother - her mother, as the birthday cards were more of a mix of various cards including some she's sent her mom and other things of her mom's. I am happily envisioning how i can create a book for the family around the happy memories of Mom as a book of days, and that letter should go in a "Mother's Day" section.
I was surprised to see how many letters i wrote to my family in the early 90s, but it was that or telephone. I know there were many people i corresponded with at the time, all the journalling energy going to letter writing.
I then went and found my journal from the year before i got married (context, i was in Philly and Christine in North Carolina and my parents and sibs in Florida) and was reminded how depressed i was, how i turned to some people for comfort, and i am ... not sure anyone needs to ever read about that? Here, thirty plus years later, i know there was a thing in my youth about a need for physical intimacy that had something to do with the absolute ache i had for maternal caring that was tangled up with usual teen and young adult desires, but has in my memory a dissociated quality.
--== ∞ ==--
So, i spent a day and tidied papers but -- Why? I am glad for some of the discoveries i made, but i need to discuss with siblings and Dad and ... maybe a NC archivist?
1. I know family history at the genealogy level is important to pull out
2. I suspect my siblings and Dad wouldn't mind a time line of shared family details
3. I know my brother has privacy concerns about some things
4. I know my sister would treasure well curated keepsakes but has learned to not hold on to Stuff
5. We all have some curiosity about Mom's distress and would love to know WHY, but i assume that we generally just have her searching.
And then, honestly, who will care about my journals, etc? I hadn't really thought about my papers, but this intersection of mom's papers _about_ me just underscores *my* piles of papers. But, before i start serious purging, i should find out what the NC State Archives wants (https://archives.ncdcr.gov/researchers/collections/private-collections).
I am assuming that purging mass produced ephemera (travel brochures, magazines, whole newspaper sections) is no big deal when there is very little context. I'm noting things i'm purging in some context, but the "Parade" magazine insert with the "best of 1986" -- the year i graduated high school -- seems like something that can be found elsewhere. Or brochures from schools i applied to.
1. His sweetie is coming over on the fourth to grill and cook for him;
2. He really doesn't know what is going on in the relationship (repeated multiple times), but that's why he has a therapist; and
3. discuss the mom's planning calendar i have for Christine's and my wedding.
I think he thought the calendar had more personal content. It may have at one time, and she purged it. Not sure why pages are missing although i assume they may have been empty?
All he recalled was that i was busy with my first year of graduate school and annoyed by all the planning.
It turns out i'd left piles of files out from yesterday, so while we were talking i sorted through and finally found the letter from me Mom mentioned. The ultimatum was that
* she call Christine to discuss details of the wedding and if they couldn't agree i would be willing to get involved
or
* she just plan the big party for family in Florida (where my parents and siblings were living at the time), and Christine and i would handle a small simple wedding in Raleigh.
The fact that this worked up to an "ultimatum" is impressive, and it lays the whole ground work for Mom not communicating with Christine and general bad mother-in-law behavior.
I really did not care about wedding details. I did care about not enforcing archaic gendered patterns in the wedding, and i really didn't want to be dressed up like a doll. I suspect that did not fit with her vision of planning a wedding and did not fit with how i was supposed to behave.
--== ∞ ==--
So, i went through a box, and this box was all about me. My letters, clippings of school honors, etc. I purged generic ephemera. Then i went through a fat hanging folder full of "birthday" cards, and i purged basically generic cards.
I did find a treasure, a letter Mom's mother wrote to my great grandmother - her mother, as the birthday cards were more of a mix of various cards including some she's sent her mom and other things of her mom's. I am happily envisioning how i can create a book for the family around the happy memories of Mom as a book of days, and that letter should go in a "Mother's Day" section.
I was surprised to see how many letters i wrote to my family in the early 90s, but it was that or telephone. I know there were many people i corresponded with at the time, all the journalling energy going to letter writing.
I then went and found my journal from the year before i got married (context, i was in Philly and Christine in North Carolina and my parents and sibs in Florida) and was reminded how depressed i was, how i turned to some people for comfort, and i am ... not sure anyone needs to ever read about that? Here, thirty plus years later, i know there was a thing in my youth about a need for physical intimacy that had something to do with the absolute ache i had for maternal caring that was tangled up with usual teen and young adult desires, but has in my memory a dissociated quality.
--== ∞ ==--
So, i spent a day and tidied papers but -- Why? I am glad for some of the discoveries i made, but i need to discuss with siblings and Dad and ... maybe a NC archivist?
1. I know family history at the genealogy level is important to pull out
2. I suspect my siblings and Dad wouldn't mind a time line of shared family details
3. I know my brother has privacy concerns about some things
4. I know my sister would treasure well curated keepsakes but has learned to not hold on to Stuff
5. We all have some curiosity about Mom's distress and would love to know WHY, but i assume that we generally just have her searching.
And then, honestly, who will care about my journals, etc? I hadn't really thought about my papers, but this intersection of mom's papers _about_ me just underscores *my* piles of papers. But, before i start serious purging, i should find out what the NC State Archives wants (https://archives.ncdcr.gov/researchers/collections/private-collections).
I am assuming that purging mass produced ephemera (travel brochures, magazines, whole newspaper sections) is no big deal when there is very little context. I'm noting things i'm purging in some context, but the "Parade" magazine insert with the "best of 1986" -- the year i graduated high school -- seems like something that can be found elsewhere. Or brochures from schools i applied to.