desensitized paranoia
Okay, I’m on the plane right now, so I’m going to right an entree, my last entry before Maryland. The last few hours have been hell: I had a really hard time packing for some reasons, a foreboding feeling and general indecisiveness about what to bring. It was terrible, I couldn’t make up my mind on anything so I brought almost everything, though I forgot some things I was going to bring for Otakon, that’s ok, I can always come up with different outfits. But anyway, René started freaking out the moment he saw the luggage enter my room: he ran out until it got dark and then wouldn’t stop cuddling (and scratching me if I wasn’t responsive enough) until I left. I didn’t get to go to see Superman Returns with Wieben and Brandon because Wieben had to work and then had a date (I don’t know the person) and Brandon was busy trying to get a drivers license, so I sat around watching M.A.S.H. (My brother taped about a season of it with tivo and it’s not so bad). What does M.A.S.H. stand for?
After I somehow managed to pack all my clothes, mom and I went to Red Lobster. I tried to talk to her, you know, have some kind of bonding moment, but all I realized is that I know mostly everything I should know about my mom and that she just doesn’t like talking about her thoughts. Plus, I think she was tired. I also found out I can no longer as much as I used to and I wasted the space in my shrinking stomach on crab, granted it was really good snow crab, but I just love shrimp more… oh well, the leftovers made a very good breakfast for me and René.
Ok, ok, that doesn’t sound so hellish, the hellish part starts later… First, the car Tyson was going to borrow to come see me one last time and get the book lost a tire, so we didn’t get to hang out at all (I was write to smooch him on Monday after all!). This it gave me a really weird feeling again that he was going to be taken away from me permanently. Then, for some reason, I was feeling very apathetic towards Mar, I want to see her, but talking to her was spoiling my mood for some reason, I think my wish not to get overly excited by the summer has turned into myself not letting me get excited at all. So I was feeling bad for feeling apathetic, I started to worry about having enough money because I would no longer have an income (I’m not going to be a happy person when I retire), and the foreboding feeling that someone was going to die, perhaps even me, was getting stronger. On top of that, I found out a bee (the skinny kind) was leaving baby bees in the wholes in my bookshelf. I didn’t want to have Rene stung by one of these (not to mention I’m not terribly excited about having a bee nursery in my room), so I took a spike and started killing these things. I realized they had been there a lot longer then I thought when I found some of them were already mostly grown and there were a lot more then I had predicted (about 10), there was also a caterpillar, which confused me. I also found one really fat larva in the wooden knob that hangs off my ceiling fan, which made me go paranoid for about an hour, looking for more of them. I also killed about 4 1.5” spiders yesterday, one right as it crawled in through the window. I still don’t know what kind of spiders they are, but I’m really starting to worry for shadows safety, because these things aren’t reclusive (though they are very stupid: two were right beside each other and I killed one and the other didn’t even try to run away). Plus, there were a thousand more moths, flies, bees, male mosquitoes, and other random bugs, which made me paranoid, because I’ve already had a spider bite me this week. So yeah, try falling asleep while locust-looking bugs keep bumping against the windows, from inside. But I can’t close my window, because then René will have a single room to spend his life in.
Okay, I wake up feeling really groggy, eat breakfast, and I’m ready to go to the airport, and mom is nowhere to be found. I decide to leave her a note and steal her cellphone as I go to TocoHell to return my uniform and remind them to give my last check to my mom, then to the bank to deposite my previous checks (which bring my balance to nearly $500 dollars, and I’m expecting about $350 for my next check, so I’m good money wise), but there’s an hour and a half left until my plain takes off, and I don’t even know whether or not my mother knows it, so I start crying. Luckily, mom got home a little after I did, but I didn’t get to kiss René goodbye (though I think he understood when he saw me leave for TocoHell that I wasn’t coming back for a long while). I wish he could get along with someone other then me, at least the other cats, but it doesn’t seem he does, so I feel so very guilty…
But yeah, after all that stress (it probably doesn’t sound so bad, but I’m not giving it justice) I’ve spent houres now on an airplane… and I still don’t feel excited… I feel cold somehow, like I’ve done this so many times it’s gotten stale… or maybe I feel this way because for the first time, I feel bad leaving utah, or atleast the people there. I also feel like I’ve waited so damn long for this, for a chance to go to Maryland again, to be with mar, to see her house, to meet sage, to see Kyra and Aiden and Terry and Morgan and everyone else, for that final year of highschool, for testing to be over (atleast for now), that I don’t really know how to do something other then wait. Tomorrow has become today, and I don’t know what to do with it now that I have it.
ps: I feel better now!
After I somehow managed to pack all my clothes, mom and I went to Red Lobster. I tried to talk to her, you know, have some kind of bonding moment, but all I realized is that I know mostly everything I should know about my mom and that she just doesn’t like talking about her thoughts. Plus, I think she was tired. I also found out I can no longer as much as I used to and I wasted the space in my shrinking stomach on crab, granted it was really good snow crab, but I just love shrimp more… oh well, the leftovers made a very good breakfast for me and René.
Ok, ok, that doesn’t sound so hellish, the hellish part starts later… First, the car Tyson was going to borrow to come see me one last time and get the book lost a tire, so we didn’t get to hang out at all (I was write to smooch him on Monday after all!). This it gave me a really weird feeling again that he was going to be taken away from me permanently. Then, for some reason, I was feeling very apathetic towards Mar, I want to see her, but talking to her was spoiling my mood for some reason, I think my wish not to get overly excited by the summer has turned into myself not letting me get excited at all. So I was feeling bad for feeling apathetic, I started to worry about having enough money because I would no longer have an income (I’m not going to be a happy person when I retire), and the foreboding feeling that someone was going to die, perhaps even me, was getting stronger. On top of that, I found out a bee (the skinny kind) was leaving baby bees in the wholes in my bookshelf. I didn’t want to have Rene stung by one of these (not to mention I’m not terribly excited about having a bee nursery in my room), so I took a spike and started killing these things. I realized they had been there a lot longer then I thought when I found some of them were already mostly grown and there were a lot more then I had predicted (about 10), there was also a caterpillar, which confused me. I also found one really fat larva in the wooden knob that hangs off my ceiling fan, which made me go paranoid for about an hour, looking for more of them. I also killed about 4 1.5” spiders yesterday, one right as it crawled in through the window. I still don’t know what kind of spiders they are, but I’m really starting to worry for shadows safety, because these things aren’t reclusive (though they are very stupid: two were right beside each other and I killed one and the other didn’t even try to run away). Plus, there were a thousand more moths, flies, bees, male mosquitoes, and other random bugs, which made me paranoid, because I’ve already had a spider bite me this week. So yeah, try falling asleep while locust-looking bugs keep bumping against the windows, from inside. But I can’t close my window, because then René will have a single room to spend his life in.
Okay, I wake up feeling really groggy, eat breakfast, and I’m ready to go to the airport, and mom is nowhere to be found. I decide to leave her a note and steal her cellphone as I go to TocoHell to return my uniform and remind them to give my last check to my mom, then to the bank to deposite my previous checks (which bring my balance to nearly $500 dollars, and I’m expecting about $350 for my next check, so I’m good money wise), but there’s an hour and a half left until my plain takes off, and I don’t even know whether or not my mother knows it, so I start crying. Luckily, mom got home a little after I did, but I didn’t get to kiss René goodbye (though I think he understood when he saw me leave for TocoHell that I wasn’t coming back for a long while). I wish he could get along with someone other then me, at least the other cats, but it doesn’t seem he does, so I feel so very guilty…
But yeah, after all that stress (it probably doesn’t sound so bad, but I’m not giving it justice) I’ve spent houres now on an airplane… and I still don’t feel excited… I feel cold somehow, like I’ve done this so many times it’s gotten stale… or maybe I feel this way because for the first time, I feel bad leaving utah, or atleast the people there. I also feel like I’ve waited so damn long for this, for a chance to go to Maryland again, to be with mar, to see her house, to meet sage, to see Kyra and Aiden and Terry and Morgan and everyone else, for that final year of highschool, for testing to be over (atleast for now), that I don’t really know how to do something other then wait. Tomorrow has become today, and I don’t know what to do with it now that I have it.
ps: I feel better now!