Life changes fast
Ha ha ha I don't know where to begin.
This has been the single most HARDEST year of my life. This home owning stuff is killing me. Although I love the fact that I now have a phenomenal investment.
I'm going to try to start updating again.
Life has taken a crazy turn. To say the least.
So I'll try to update things best I can....
After months of dealing with the death of Tony on my own,... and working a regular 50 some hours at the lab. --Overtime hours that I didn't want but were "required" although you can't say that because its illegal. Yeah but I was losing my mind. Debating the regular car crash into the wall option ever time I was back on I294.
The whole while, I think that my regular talks to "Shillaleigh" boy helped get me through. In fact I had been talking to him a bit before Tony died and thinkin how nice we were getting along... this time around. He had invited me down to stay with him for a weekend in Miami and afer a few days of coaxing I had. At the time I had been completely overwhelmed with bills and Tonys incessant badgering,.. and that "artsy" guy was proving to be a "going no where fast" situation. In reality it was just excape from facing Tony and his rapid downfall that seemed to consume my every day.
So I said "fuck it" and took a random flight to Miami to sit in the sun, read a book, hang with a friend and just escape from life.
And I had a blast. Shillaleigh & I went hiking and looking for alligators... had margartias after Guinness & fantasy golf. At home we were working out or reading books by the pool. It was a nice getaway from my stress in Chicago. And then the stress followed me. I get a phone call from a private investigator about Tony. I'm thinking that he went off the deep end and killed someone, but no he's dead. Dead. What!? Shillaleigh boy did his best to comfort me in a strange place in a strange situation. He got me laughing a few times, and thinking and talking about the situation. I truely think that I was down there for a reason, I can't think of anyone better to be with when getting news like that --then him.
And I'm on a place home.
And this is where the work zombiness and visions of driving into walls come in. I was alone dealing with everything and getting bad fast. My only minutes out of everything were when Shillaleigh would call and we would talk about things and getting together when he moved home at the end of the month.
A month or two after he was home and we were seeing each other again, I quit the lab job. I don't know how or why but I just did. I had to get out of there, it was nothing but bad energy for me. I knew that my business would make enough to get me buy tfor the summer,... and at least now I could see my family, start seeing a therapist and spend my free time with Shillaleigh who would get me out riding bikes or jogging, or taking our dogs to the woods for a walk and run.... just get me out of the house, gaining endorphins that I needed so desperately.
But it was hard to grieve someone that you cared for and loved, while spending time with the one person who ever made my heart ache.. crave... to be with them. Thats how much I loved this Shillaleigh.... and thats why my heart broke so hard when it did... taking years to get over,... and naturally I didn't. If I had... when he called out of the blue in January & invited me to Florida I would have slammed the phone down & told him never to call me again. But maybe he is why I've never been able to settle with anyone.... because I compare how happy I feel with him in good times & no one has ever made me feel that way.
So I spent the summer with him. Working on my business,.... seeing a therapist to help with the grieving and guilt that was & is a constant struggle, and trying to get by business going. I'm now back working at an Emergency Hospital and loving it,... but not loving the long hours. Hopefully soon my business will be the only thing that I do. (In my dreams)
But life is happening fast. I've been back with Shilleliah all of this time and things have been great. He understands what I'm going through and helps me with it. But our life together is escalating fast, and I'm excited but terrified at the same time. I know that an engagement is coming soon, we've talked about getting a ring. And wev'e talked about moving in together soon to. It makes sense. This is the 3rd time we've dated in so many years.. we know each other we care about each other... we just aren't partying 5 nights a week like we used to.
But I wonder will I ever get my life back ? As amazing as I can feel with him,... when will I feel normal again? Will I ever ?
...ha ha ha I also told him that he will never truely know me unless there is a horse in my life... I'll never feel normal again until that happens. Maybe it never will. However, he said he'd buy me a horse next year for Christmas... hmm.... ha ha ha
On that note.. thats the news.... from death and despair to a possible engagement.
Wow life changes fast.
Thats it for now in a nut shell. Ha!
This has been the single most HARDEST year of my life. This home owning stuff is killing me. Although I love the fact that I now have a phenomenal investment.
I'm going to try to start updating again.
Life has taken a crazy turn. To say the least.
So I'll try to update things best I can....
After months of dealing with the death of Tony on my own,... and working a regular 50 some hours at the lab. --Overtime hours that I didn't want but were "required" although you can't say that because its illegal. Yeah but I was losing my mind. Debating the regular car crash into the wall option ever time I was back on I294.
The whole while, I think that my regular talks to "Shillaleigh" boy helped get me through. In fact I had been talking to him a bit before Tony died and thinkin how nice we were getting along... this time around. He had invited me down to stay with him for a weekend in Miami and afer a few days of coaxing I had. At the time I had been completely overwhelmed with bills and Tonys incessant badgering,.. and that "artsy" guy was proving to be a "going no where fast" situation. In reality it was just excape from facing Tony and his rapid downfall that seemed to consume my every day.
So I said "fuck it" and took a random flight to Miami to sit in the sun, read a book, hang with a friend and just escape from life.
And I had a blast. Shillaleigh & I went hiking and looking for alligators... had margartias after Guinness & fantasy golf. At home we were working out or reading books by the pool. It was a nice getaway from my stress in Chicago. And then the stress followed me. I get a phone call from a private investigator about Tony. I'm thinking that he went off the deep end and killed someone, but no he's dead. Dead. What!? Shillaleigh boy did his best to comfort me in a strange place in a strange situation. He got me laughing a few times, and thinking and talking about the situation. I truely think that I was down there for a reason, I can't think of anyone better to be with when getting news like that --then him.
And I'm on a place home.
And this is where the work zombiness and visions of driving into walls come in. I was alone dealing with everything and getting bad fast. My only minutes out of everything were when Shillaleigh would call and we would talk about things and getting together when he moved home at the end of the month.
A month or two after he was home and we were seeing each other again, I quit the lab job. I don't know how or why but I just did. I had to get out of there, it was nothing but bad energy for me. I knew that my business would make enough to get me buy tfor the summer,... and at least now I could see my family, start seeing a therapist and spend my free time with Shillaleigh who would get me out riding bikes or jogging, or taking our dogs to the woods for a walk and run.... just get me out of the house, gaining endorphins that I needed so desperately.
But it was hard to grieve someone that you cared for and loved, while spending time with the one person who ever made my heart ache.. crave... to be with them. Thats how much I loved this Shillaleigh.... and thats why my heart broke so hard when it did... taking years to get over,... and naturally I didn't. If I had... when he called out of the blue in January & invited me to Florida I would have slammed the phone down & told him never to call me again. But maybe he is why I've never been able to settle with anyone.... because I compare how happy I feel with him in good times & no one has ever made me feel that way.
So I spent the summer with him. Working on my business,.... seeing a therapist to help with the grieving and guilt that was & is a constant struggle, and trying to get by business going. I'm now back working at an Emergency Hospital and loving it,... but not loving the long hours. Hopefully soon my business will be the only thing that I do. (In my dreams)
But life is happening fast. I've been back with Shilleliah all of this time and things have been great. He understands what I'm going through and helps me with it. But our life together is escalating fast, and I'm excited but terrified at the same time. I know that an engagement is coming soon, we've talked about getting a ring. And wev'e talked about moving in together soon to. It makes sense. This is the 3rd time we've dated in so many years.. we know each other we care about each other... we just aren't partying 5 nights a week like we used to.
But I wonder will I ever get my life back ? As amazing as I can feel with him,... when will I feel normal again? Will I ever ?
...ha ha ha I also told him that he will never truely know me unless there is a horse in my life... I'll never feel normal again until that happens. Maybe it never will. However, he said he'd buy me a horse next year for Christmas... hmm.... ha ha ha
On that note.. thats the news.... from death and despair to a possible engagement.
Wow life changes fast.
Thats it for now in a nut shell. Ha!