Tell me about it!
My daily horoscope:
"You are at the edge of a great energetic shift. You know that something new and different is very near, but you cannot yet tell how it's all going to come together. Logical analysis may be your greatest asset, but it's not going to get you through these illogical times. Trust your intuition to move gracefully through these changes."
....yeah we'll see about that....I thought that I was getting better... but the days are just seem to getting harder....
reality is setting in on what a huge impact of my life was taken away. Someone I called when I was driving, chatten through traffic... his groceries and favorite cookies still on my shelves...
I even took a blind date the other night.... which might seem absurd to everyone else, but for me it was just an escape... a chance to sit with a nice funny person who knew nothing of the tragedy and would ask nothing about it....
I find myself avoiding friends and family because of this....
For me, medication is not an option... I don't want to have to depend on anything to be "stable". Screw that! But I'm starting to feel like I might need to talk to someone.... but then why? after everything that I know will be said or screamed... what is going to change? Nothing. And there I will be still with this huge void.
Is it normal to feel unafraid of death at a point like this? Not like I'm suicidal... there is no way.... but basically I feel like if I was walking across a train track & turned and saw the train coming at me.... I would calmly just look ahead and maintain my pace. I would not run or skip to make sure that I'm clear. If it hits me, fine. If it doesn't, fine. Thats just how I feel-- a complete disconnect for any real desire to be here or there. I just don't want to be living this situation, living this pain forever.
Maybe I need to move to Africa. Or Ireland. Or Hong Kong.
Thanks for the comments last post you all... your thoughts mean so much....
night
"You are at the edge of a great energetic shift. You know that something new and different is very near, but you cannot yet tell how it's all going to come together. Logical analysis may be your greatest asset, but it's not going to get you through these illogical times. Trust your intuition to move gracefully through these changes."
....yeah we'll see about that....I thought that I was getting better... but the days are just seem to getting harder....
reality is setting in on what a huge impact of my life was taken away. Someone I called when I was driving, chatten through traffic... his groceries and favorite cookies still on my shelves...
I even took a blind date the other night.... which might seem absurd to everyone else, but for me it was just an escape... a chance to sit with a nice funny person who knew nothing of the tragedy and would ask nothing about it....
I find myself avoiding friends and family because of this....
For me, medication is not an option... I don't want to have to depend on anything to be "stable". Screw that! But I'm starting to feel like I might need to talk to someone.... but then why? after everything that I know will be said or screamed... what is going to change? Nothing. And there I will be still with this huge void.
Is it normal to feel unafraid of death at a point like this? Not like I'm suicidal... there is no way.... but basically I feel like if I was walking across a train track & turned and saw the train coming at me.... I would calmly just look ahead and maintain my pace. I would not run or skip to make sure that I'm clear. If it hits me, fine. If it doesn't, fine. Thats just how I feel-- a complete disconnect for any real desire to be here or there. I just don't want to be living this situation, living this pain forever.
Maybe I need to move to Africa. Or Ireland. Or Hong Kong.
Thanks for the comments last post you all... your thoughts mean so much....
night