grossly overweight and unhappy
"Would you get me a paper for the way back son?"
So, i missed my first two classes. I start tomarrow, well...technicly today. But missing the first class makes me feel like maybe this isnt meant to be. Maybe I'm making a huge mistake, cause boy does it sure seem like it. I really dont even think i want to go to school. But I can't drop out now, I mean i Havent even started. But it scares me so much. and not just beucase it's something different, Just beucase i dont think it's what i really want to do. Well, I guess thats the ultimite problem. I don't know what i want to do. I don;t think college will help me figure that out. I think it'll confuse me even more. Going to college is not only a big step, but also a gigantic move of enviorment. I don;t think it's going to effect me well. I don't want to fall into this, I dont want to get involved with these people, I want to stay just like I am. Moderatly happy, working, and actually living my life like a kind of want to. I think that college is going to change that. I'll be less happy, working less, and not doing what i want to do with my life. I don't want to waste my life, i dont want to be that one guy who never leaves his hometown, who has no friends beucase tehy all moved away without me. But even if i do move, what the fuck am I going to do there. My whole life has lead up to here, and I'm still floundering around pussyfooting around the ultimitley untimely decision. So what the fuck am I supposed to do? Why isn't a clearly defined answer? What can I even get into that I would like? What do I like? It's times like this that i fucking hate life, I mean Yeah one of the main points in life is to suffer. But why the fuck should we suffer? Why must we suffer to actually live? Theres no point. "OH durga durga, you learn form the suffering" no you dont, shut the fuck up. I know I dont have that hard of a life, I've never had to struggle to get by, But who said I didn't mentally, I dont knwo maybe I'm just overestimating the caliber of struggle i have. But I just feel so completely confused, disoriented, fucked-up, out of place, and just discombobulated. It's strange but now i know why people go into secluction. If I had no one to think about, onyl myself, and my survival, then everythign would be so much easier. I hate life sometimes. Unfortunatly in a long time life's goodness hasnt redeemed itself like it so frequently used to. The bad would get cancelld out by some good event but more recently nothings been going ym way. Everythign has been failing or being shot down, which not only disheartens me but depress me. I know i say that alot, getting depressed, but no one really sees the toll that this shit takes on me. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
I don't even care anymore, Fuck it all fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck