On the subject of alligator fuck houses
"I'm not worried at all"
It seems that it's time for the "I can't sleep, so i need something to turn to" entries. So I expect this to be eeither extremely long or extremely short. It's always a toss up. Guess it just depends on where my mind is. Oh well, so goes the life of a man.
So i am now registered, paid for, and now ready (well...) for college. I can't lie, I'm really not excited, happy, or enthusiatic about it. Honestly before i knew the due date for tuition i was hoping it had already passed, meaning i wouldn't have to go. I seriously thought about it, i was going to jus tlie to mom and dad and say, "oops, I didn't know", just hoping to someone that it would work. However when it came right down to it, Daniel reminded me that it was due on friday. I silently sighed for my nefarious plot that would never be. If he reminded me and i still didn't register then he would know, and you can't imagine how guilty i would feel. BUt the pressure of actually going to college got to me i guess. People were just like, "you are goign to college right?" and how could i dissapoint them, mom dad, and family? What the fuck was I supposed to tell them? "nope" beucase then that would be followed by "why not?" and "You really should, it's for your own good" and who the fuck wants to deal with that? Not me, i mean hell the only reason i got confirmed was so i didnt have to explain why i didn't want to get confirmed. How fucking lazy am i? I sometimees look at myself and realize that this person is not who I want to be, but it is. I accepted who I am, but that dosent mean that i want to be like this. I want to be so much more. I don't want to always choose the cop-out middle ground. I want to be that guy who takes charge and someone you can rely on. It's so hard to live up to you're own expectations. Maybe thats why so many people end up hating themselves and start to idolize foolish celebs and mis-represented religions. But if that's true, then why Don't i have a faith life? Why don't I care about some stupid fucking celeb or role model? Shouldnt my life have that central focus? Shouldnt I have something to work towards? Cause i don't, i have no one to look up to, nothing to strive towards. Although i could very well be lying to myself unknowingly, I could sub-conciously be looking up to someone. I don't know. I can't believe in any divine force becuase the simple fact that if one exsisted then they wouldn't let the bad shit that happenes, happen. If a god/force exists then why don't they do something. "cause they just sit back and watch what we do, they don't interfere" then thats bullshit. "cause it's all part of a bigger plan" Don't feed me bullshit, when a 5 year old kid gets beat by his father/mother you can't tell me that this is "part of a bigger plan" Thats bullshit. So now I'm left with nothing to believe in and noone to look towards. Where does that leave me? Must i ruff it while creating my own path along this road? Why do other people have this luxary of having a well marked path wth plenty of food while i forrage for food, and attempet to find my way back? How can this be? what i need to do is get a fucking bulldozer to find my way back, get back on the path, find my way back to a normal life.