Buffy and Trauma, Part I: Where I'm Coming From

[eilowyn]

This series of meta posts, which begins with this one, originally was supposed to be one giant mega meta. I would view Buffy’s trauma and depression academically, put forth a thesis, support it with evidence, and conclude it succinctly. Meta doesn’t come easy for me, but academic writing does. However, the more I thought about Buffy’s situation and

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[red_satin_doll]

I would view Buffy’s trauma and depression academically, put forth a thesis, support it with evidence, and conclude it succinctly. Meta doesn’t come easy for me, but academic writing does. However, the more I thought about Buffy’s situation and my situation, the more this giant mega post became smaller, separate posts. I had so much to say, and the only way I could say it all is if I told this story of my depression and Buffy’s trauma and depression in pieces.

And at the end of the day it's exactly this sort of candid, intelligent writing that matters most to me - the meeting of heart and mind. That's what the buffyverse does for me, it speaks to both, as this post does. I'm so glad you wrote it this way and look forward to more.

I want to take away the stigma of mental illness, and the best way I know how to do that is by openly talking about it myself.

That stigma is one of the things that causes me the most rage - that we waste so many lives because we don't take mental illness seriously. I've been to therapists, APRN's etc for meds - and there was never a single bloodtest like there is with my seizure meds, for instance. No monitoring, just try this new drug and tell us how it makes you feel? It's not taken seriously or scientifically, at all. And it's still regarded by families and "loved ones" - the people closest to us - as something we just "need to get over". I didn't chose depression; neither did my father. It chose us; the best I can do is figure out how to deal with it, and i still don't have the answer to that.

Having other people like yourself talk about it helps give me the courage to be more honest and open in my own life, on my journal, because I know reading this gives me hope, so maybe I can give hope to one other person. We're not alone but the biggest con job is convincing each one of us that we are each alone in this.

Hopefully knowing more about me will help you understand why I identify with Buffy so much.

I don't want to romanticize fandom or the show either (ha) but you speak for me right here. That's why it hurts when people talk shit about Buffy - yes it does feel very personal even when I try not to let it, because they're talking about me. I know what Buffy's going through inside and out. I can even say I empathize with Buffy, Spike, Willow AND Tara, which is NOT the same as condoning individual actions. I've lived these feelings, these dynamics, I've been on both sides of things.

I'm really glad that you've had help and support all along the way. I'm sure that must be crucial; I feel like I've been floundering alone for the past 20+ years, my main support from people who are profoundly depressed themselves but refuse to admit it. So it scares the hell out of them when I try to get "help" (whatever that means.)

Please keep this series going I'm really looking forward to it. BTW - have you read the latest installment of Allie Brosh's Hyperbole and a Half, "Depression part 2"? It's brilliant, painful, funny and dead-on accurate all at once: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

[eilowyn]

And it's still regarded by families and "loved ones" - the people closest to us - as something we just "need to get over".

Yep. While I had very understanding parents, my mom also has depression, and the extended family on both my mother's and father's sides didn't understand what was going on (well, they were also either alcoholics or codependent, but that's another post).

my main support from people who are profoundly depressed themselves but refuse to admit it. So it scares the hell out of them when I try to get "help" (whatever that means.)

It's kind of like with my alcoholic, codependent family: my mom and I both realized we had a problem, fought the stigma, went on the antidepressants, and got better. My family doesn't admit they have a problem, and we threaten them because we've sought help, so I completely get this.

have you read the latest installment of Allie Brosh's Hyperbole and a Half, "Depression part 2"?

Yes! I have it bookmarked, because I know exactly what she's talking about!

[red_satin_doll]

(well, they were also either alcoholics or codependent, but that's another post).

Oh god do I know all about that too. That's totally in the mix.

my mom and I both realized we had a problem, fought the stigma, went on the antidepressants, and got better.

That's really great that you had that with her; and I'm thinking that's probably extremely helpful.

My mom is very depressed (but she's in another state and our contact is limited) but so is my partner of umpteen years; and she's decided therapy is a waste because she's just paying to talk to someone. But she hasn't anyone else to talk to - except me. And I don't know that we can both be depressed and manage each other's pain. It feels like an endless hamster wheel.

And yes, Allie is spot-on with all of it. Thank god there is someone out there who can describe it all so well and make it funny at the same time - and I wish to god she didn't have to experience it in the first place.