Anniversary of her death
This week has been the anniversary of my moms death, so it has been kind of an off week for me. I've posted a few questions in some communities, but I've neglected my frinds list :( I'm going to be on later, hopefully with some pictures of what W and I have been up to.
The whole week is really when I mourn my moms death (well I mourn it ALL the time really, every mothers day, her birthday, my birthday, every holiday, everytime I have a health question, everytime I cook and forget something, everytime I see mothers and daughters) but mom was in the hospital unresponsive, for days after her hemmorage. You hold out hope, but it never got better. So I get depressed on the day she was admitted, all they way until we put her to rest.
Sometimes I really want this baby to be a little girl, sometimes I'm terrified of having a daughter. I don't want to die and leave a daughter all alone like my mom did. Sometimes I get angry at mom for dying, and it really doesn't make any sense. Sometimes I blame myself for her death, I saw her the day before she collapsed, how could I have seen her and not be able to tell something was wrong?? Why didn't I have a "feeling"??? I woke up sick the morning of Sept 11th...and felt dread, I would get sick before major global disasters...or I could tell something wasn't right. How come I couldn't tell that with my own mother? Why didn't a pay more attention when she has that headache? Why didn't I pester her more to get the MRI after that auto accident a month prior?
Mom won't get to see anymore of my babies, she'll never know lil J, or this little babe inside of me. If it wasn't for W's mom, none of my babies would have a grandma. Would my mom be angry at me if I think of W's mom like being my mom? Would she think I was disloyal if I learned cooking from W's mom? Am I being a bad daughter? Does she think I'm awful because I can't visit her grave? Does she feel bad because I'm not there placing flowers on her stone? I can't go, I get so angry, I want to dig her out, like she's perfectly fine, but just in the ground, just waiting to be saved. Some days I pretend she just went on a long vacation, and she's coming back home... That it's all really okay, she will be back, and dad will leave his new wife, and be back with mom and we will have christmas and easter at their home and she will play with my babies, and we will go shopping and discuss things, and it will all really be alright.
And sometimes I can't hear her voice anymore, and I don't want to forget her. I'll find a tape so I can hear her voice again. And sometimes I think about how almost a third of my life has been without my mother.
The whole week is really when I mourn my moms death (well I mourn it ALL the time really, every mothers day, her birthday, my birthday, every holiday, everytime I have a health question, everytime I cook and forget something, everytime I see mothers and daughters) but mom was in the hospital unresponsive, for days after her hemmorage. You hold out hope, but it never got better. So I get depressed on the day she was admitted, all they way until we put her to rest.
Sometimes I really want this baby to be a little girl, sometimes I'm terrified of having a daughter. I don't want to die and leave a daughter all alone like my mom did. Sometimes I get angry at mom for dying, and it really doesn't make any sense. Sometimes I blame myself for her death, I saw her the day before she collapsed, how could I have seen her and not be able to tell something was wrong?? Why didn't I have a "feeling"??? I woke up sick the morning of Sept 11th...and felt dread, I would get sick before major global disasters...or I could tell something wasn't right. How come I couldn't tell that with my own mother? Why didn't a pay more attention when she has that headache? Why didn't I pester her more to get the MRI after that auto accident a month prior?
Mom won't get to see anymore of my babies, she'll never know lil J, or this little babe inside of me. If it wasn't for W's mom, none of my babies would have a grandma. Would my mom be angry at me if I think of W's mom like being my mom? Would she think I was disloyal if I learned cooking from W's mom? Am I being a bad daughter? Does she think I'm awful because I can't visit her grave? Does she feel bad because I'm not there placing flowers on her stone? I can't go, I get so angry, I want to dig her out, like she's perfectly fine, but just in the ground, just waiting to be saved. Some days I pretend she just went on a long vacation, and she's coming back home... That it's all really okay, she will be back, and dad will leave his new wife, and be back with mom and we will have christmas and easter at their home and she will play with my babies, and we will go shopping and discuss things, and it will all really be alright.
And sometimes I can't hear her voice anymore, and I don't want to forget her. I'll find a tape so I can hear her voice again. And sometimes I think about how almost a third of my life has been without my mother.