If Tomorrow Never Comes
Title: If Tomorrow Never Comes
Author: eiko_lotus
Length: One shot
Pairing: Do I really need to tell?
Summary: which one you afraid the most? Life of death?
Disclaimer: No matter how hard I wish, they aren't mine, they belong to each other :(
Warning: a tissue will be handy when you read this one
English is not my first language, so sorry if you found misplaced grammar here and there.
Happy Reading... Happy weekend… ^_^V
‘bip…bip…bip…bip…bip…’ that annoying sound still can be heard with no sign of stopping. It so annoying that wakes me up from my deep slumber. I open my eyes just to close it again, it was not only the sounds that annoy, but the lamp above my head is also so bright, too bright to my liking. But then I wonder, is it the lamp that so bright or the pristine white wall surround me that reflecting the light?
I jolt up, stretching my body, feeling my muscle scream from the stiffness. I feel like sleeping forever. I look around me, noticing the nonstop sound come from a machine just beside my head. I reach my hand out to turn it off, even though I don’t even know how to, but I see droplets of water on my hand. I look up to the source only to see my beloved pretty husband crying beside me.
That takes my full attention. There is nothing in this world that I allow to make my husband cry. His tears are the last thing I want to see in this world and it always breaks my heart into pieces whenever he cries. I reach out again, this time, my direction is to stroke the pale high cheek bone of his. I want to stroke those perfect arched eyebrow and that thin tantalizing lips. But then, I can’t. I simply can’t touch him.
“satoshi, hun, wake up…” his hoarse voice startling me. He has deep sexy voice but it now sounds like he has been crying, or worse screaming, so that voice turns hoarse. I don’t understand him, I am awake now.
“Jun, what are you saying? I am awake. Open your eyes jun, I’m here.” I call for him. He must open his eyes and wipe his tears so that he can see me clearly, see me that sat here directly in front of him.
“You promise you won’t leave me, you said you will stay beside me forever, in our good and worse. Wake up satoshi, don’t leave me.”
Jun is whining and begging, I see my hand in his but I couldn't feel his touch. There is something not right here. Just as I thought so, my body become so light and the next thing I know is I float, literary floating on the air.
"jun...jun... JUN!!!" panicky I call for him, trying my best to reach and grip him. I don't know what is going on but I don't want to be separated from him, from my Jun.
My hand hanging in the air when I realized I can't touch my man again and then it is when I stop floating. There I am, standing on air, seeing my own body lies in the middle of hospital bed. I finally understand what is going on after seeing the wires and oxygen mask on me. The bipping sounds earlier is my heart monitor. I am dying.
I see myself clearly for the first time. I lost weight, a lot. My hair was gone, I'm bald now. My face lost it glow, it became dark, but instead off the tan dark I always have, it was more like a burn dark. I lost light of idolness in it. There was no chubby cheek that Jun used to bite, the cheek so thin now so that my cheek bone clearly jolted. I look terribly sick.
"Satoshi, wake up love." Jun weak voice startling me. I walk over to him but instead walking, I float to him.
"Baby, I'm here." I whisper directly into his ear, hoping he will hear me this time. But then it was me who surprise to look at him. He also lost his weight. His wrist that holding out my hand looks so thin. His nose red, his eyes swollen and his lips, those perfect lips I love to peck looked so dry. His hair is a mess, not the well styled hair the idol, Matsumoto Jun always has.
"I promise, I'll let you do whatever you want. You can go fishing no matter how long. I will come with you on boat, I will come with you wherever you want. We could live alone, the two of us only, just wake up, come back to me Satoshi." Jun grips my hand, doesn't even hear me. It breaks my heart into pieces seeing him in this state.
"Baby, I'm here, I'm here Jun, look at me." It is my turn to beg him. Why can't he see me? The me that isn't lying helplessly in that bed. I tried to hold him, but again, I gone through air.
My eyes catch a movement on my right. I see the rest of the members stood behind that glass wall. I couldn't hear them but I can see their expression well, they are debating something. Until someone come into my view, Kitagawa san stood before them, standing as tall as his walking stick allows him. I decide to approach them, if it is Arashi related then I must know.
"You all must remember, Arashi is Japan idol, it will not easy to announce your vacuum in entertainment world." the old man voice heard when I walked through the wall. Wait, I just walked through that wall, how? I have no idea.
"Are you saying that we should go out there, pretending there's nothing wrong when we knew our leader laying in there dying?" Sho roars and walks a step further to the old guy. I never see my brightest member got so furious like now. The calm collected Sho now rage in furry, glad Aiba stands by his side, holding his shoulder tightly and Nino is on his other side, his short arms circling Sho's waist, clinging tightly in the built body.
"Don't you see, we will never be whole again. That is our leader laying there. Please Johnny san, if you ever have a heart, use it now." Aiba says his word clearly, despite the fact tears flowing on his cheek.
"Even I know, this is something money can't buy. You should learn your lesson while you can old man." Nino bratty remarks turns kitagawa's face into beet red.
"If you are not the biggest income for the company, I have had already fire you all long time ago." the owner of Johnny entertainment hiss the words.
"Now is not too late. You could just fire us all now." Sho seems to find his composure again. He stood tall, linked his arms around Masaki and Kazu's shoulder.
"No, guys, stop, don't tempt him. You don't want to be anything aside than Arashi, this is our dream. With or without me Arashi must still exist." I run in front of those three. I still couldn't understand how they could always obey me when we all know, Sho is more leader material than me.
"Johnny sama, press conference is ready. Arashi san, this way." My manager peaking from the door, saying his words carefully, sensing the these atmosphere in the room. I see a big bag under his eyes which I never saw during his time working with me, or is it just me that didn’t notice it earlier?
Kitagawa san turned his body without even looking at his boys. As far as I remember, this is the first time a unit stands up against him and this must be a big shock for that old man. I am torn between following then and return to Jun who still sit silently in his chair, kissing my palm. I want him to see that I am here but I still wonder what Arashi will become. So I walk, no, float, behind them all until the hospital lobby where reporters are waiting and I can't stop seeing outside the hospital, many girls are on their knees, bringing my uchiwa, several are yelling for me to do my best, several are praying but none of them that is not tears free. They all crying, for me?
"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming." Johnny Kitagawa starts his speech and all audience in the room turn silent, letting the old man continues.
"We are here to clear the information regarding Ohno Satoshi, Arashi leader, and the one I consider my own son. Doctor found out his lung was weakened and the tests shown final stadium of cancer." Kitagawa san takes his breath and I see most of the reporters also do the same, so does those girls outside.
"We have tried our best to prevent it's spread but nothing resulted. Doctor predicted he only have a month before the cells finally spread all over his lung and stopped his breathing." I hung my head low, remembering the day the doctor said the same thing to me a month ago. How the news had me devastated.
I got through the chemotherapy directly, hoping it could prolonged my life but as Johnny said, nothing seems to work. I look at my wedding ring that circling my finger, Jun must have slipped it in during my unconsciousness. I look at the other members, seeing they stand so close and Kazu didn't even care he cried on Sho's chest and holds Masaki hand tightly. Sho, my best man, stands tall, holding our two best friends, letting them both cry on his chest and shoulder. My eyes then come to the girls outside the hospital, they cry harder, scream, yelling and several fall unconscious, I never had imagine someone would go that far for me.
I see my father come out from the ICU room, holding my mother and nee-chan walks behind them. I ran to mom, I want to hold her for a moment and I get furry when again I couldn't touch her. If only I could get a second, one single second to hold her again, I want to hold the woman of my life, the one brought me on earth 35 years ago. I would do anything to be with them again, my family, my husband, my brothers and they, who has support me. God if only I could have another chance.
"This is the resignation letter from Matsumoto Jun. He wished to quit the agency and focus on his husband. Even if miracle happens and one day he awaken, Matsumoto san decided to quit the entertainment world and live peacefully. The same letters come from all Arashi, we could not find a way for Arashi to continue." Kitagawa brought my attention back to him. No! Tell me it's wrong. Arashi should always exist.
"We are truly grateful for all your support in these 15 years. Arashi is not only a band but also our way of life, but as Riida always said, Arashi is Arashi whenever the five of us together. We hope our fans will understand and still support our decision as we may never be back without our leader and Arashi only have one leader which is Ohno Satoshi." Sho words come clearly but everyone could see how he shakes due to his emotion. Kazu and Masaki just stand beside him, with tears on their face. They take off their idolness and cry there, in front of cameras and paparazzi, didn't even care they look like a mess.
No! God! Please, don't do this to me, to us. Arashi is our everything. Please let me back, please allow me a second chance. I wish I could scream my heart loud.
A siren heard in a minute and everyone seems to rush running back into the ICU. Sho, Masaki, and Kazu run through me one by one without even noticing. I turn my back and go along with them.
There is a chaos around my bed. Doctors and nurses are running around, attaching more wires and pipes on me. My mother crying in my father's arm and nee-chan hold them together. I see Jun not letting go off my hand and no matter how Sho persuade him, he won't move until Sho gives up and returns to his place with Masaki and Kazu, holding each other and cry together.
"Jun, baby, I love you. Never doubt that." I say clearly into his ear, just in time when the bipping sound turns into one long note and the heart monitor shows one dot on the straight green line. That's the time I realize, I am vanishing and no longer on earth.
***
A long horn awakens me with shock. I open my eyes, trying to figure my location right now. Then memory comes to me slowly. I just finished my SP drama shooting, and I fell to sleep right away once my head touch the headrest in the van. My last scene is the death of my character thus explains my dream.
The dream was so vivid, I wipe my tears. It is the first time I cry in a dream and got into the real life. I take a deep breath before I meet my manager who opens the van door for me.
"Ohno san, I have empty your schedule for tomorrow as you request, please take a rest." He says smiling widely.
I look closely to him. He had been working for me since Arashi debut. Aside than Jun, he might the only one who knows my schedule well. He always takes care of me and the dream makes me think, what will happen to him when I died? What will Johnny do to him? Will he be assigned to other group. Impulsively I hug him and I see a shock in his eyes. Who wouldn't if you being hug by a guy pass midnight like I do now.
"Thank you." I couldn't say anything else than that and I'm aware that I rarely say those words to him. I let him go after a while, patting his shoulder, saying, "Otsukare."
"I will stay in my parent's house with Jun tomorrow. You could look for us there, please inform Jun's manager too." I tell our plan tomorrow. I just want to see my mom, she has been worry about me, nagging on my skinny body and I can't wait to eat her delicious food.
'I want to eat mom yakisoba.' I texted her while my hand open the door. I know she might sleep by now, but I just want to text her anyway. I know there will be a large amount yakisoba awaiting for me tomorrow.
I open the front door, silently lock it again, and took off my shoes, lining it neatly beside another pair of shoes. This time, instead of running inside the bedroom directly, I stand in the middle of the living room, spreading my sight around. How I feel I was not grateful enough to get this far. When half of Japan citizens still struggle with mortgage and loan until the rest of their life, we both manage to buy this house in cash. Not to mention this is a quiet big one. I wonder what will happen to this house if I am no longer exist. Will the next owner find the comfort this house offer?
I look at the glass case on the corner of the living room. I never fuss about anything but it seems my mother always keep all the trophy I got since I come to the entertainment world, I don’t even understand what those was for. It was also Mom’s and Jun’s idea to keep all of them together inside that case, so, who am I to protest my two beloved persons? Another thought crossing my mind, if I was no longer alive, who would want to see those cold metal goblets? Those just things that I don’t even think will fit inside my coffin anyway.
My eyes stopped on an abstract painting that I made for both of us. If anyone sees it closely, they will find our faces behind all those colorful squares and triangles. I gave the painting to Jun as my home warming gift and it is indeed warming this house every day. Which also remind me, I have someone waiting on my bed.
I walk faster to the bedroom but still in silent, open it slowly and step in. Even in the dim of light, I could clearly see another body forming out under the comforter. Jun lays on his stomach by his side of the bed, his hand daggling out of the bed but his other hand holding my pillow tightly. Smiling, I put on the pajamas he prepares on my side. Jun will always considerate and looking after me even if I never request anything from him. He being on my side is enough for me. I have Matsumoto Jun beside me for the rest of my life and that is more than enough.
I lay myself under the blanket beside Jun. Flopped on my elbow, I watch my beloved man sleeping face. I was never lying when I say his best figure is when he sleeps. But it was only my privilege to see it freely like now. His eyes close tightly with long lashes formed a ghostly shadow on his white high cheek bone. His long nose look perfect from my point of view, jolting out from his face, forming a perfect triangle just above his pink thin lips, the lips that had been in my dreams since the start of Arashi, even until now. Those perfect lips that I can never held myself from kissing them. I lean closely and peck those inviting lips. I still can’t believe I got him beside me.
Despite all the characters he shows on screen, not much people understand the passion, strength and love beneath it. No one believe if ‘the’ Matsumoto Jun was a very insecure guy beneath all the confident he show to public. Not anybody could read and accept all his mood swings. But he is all mine now, heart, body and soul as I am his. We complete each other.
I slowly turn him to be on his side, circling my arm around his tiny waist and pull him closer to me. It still feels amazing when he unconsciously shifting into my front and fit himself within my arms despite the fact his body is actually bigger than mine.
I inhale deeply, letting his scent feels my lung. What if I was really have the lung cancer like I had in my dream? Could I still be able to smell his scent? Will he stay by my side like in my dream, even if I lost my hair and weight? And turn disgustingly ugly? I don’t want to see him cries but I also knew I won’t survive a single day without him either.
I hold him tighter. What will he do if I die? Will he cries for me? How long will he mourn for me? Will he look for another man? Will he still love me? Will he believe that I will stay loving him even after my last breath? Will we meet again in the next life? So many questions inside my head but there is one biggest one, have I show him every day that I love him so he will never doubt it?
Now I realize, it was not death that I'm afraid of, but I'm scare to leave my life, scare of every possibility that might happen to people I love when I'm not around.
Once again, I inhale deeply, trying my best to have his scent covering me. I tighten my hold and kiss the nape in front of me, finally calmed. I close my eyes, letting the tiredness swap me away. I know I won’t be having the dream again that now I have my guardian beside me, so I drift into sleep knowing tomorrow will bring me another new chapter in my life that I will cherish each moment of it.
a.n.: No, I haven't watch the SP nor figure whether I brave enough to watch it or not. So these all just made up in my mind when I listened to the song weeks ago... *dabbing on my tears, I can't stop crying... TT__TT
Author: eiko_lotus
Length: One shot
Pairing: Do I really need to tell?
Summary: which one you afraid the most? Life of death?
Disclaimer: No matter how hard I wish, they aren't mine, they belong to each other :(
Warning: a tissue will be handy when you read this one
English is not my first language, so sorry if you found misplaced grammar here and there.
Happy Reading... Happy weekend… ^_^V
‘bip…bip…bip…bip…bip…’ that annoying sound still can be heard with no sign of stopping. It so annoying that wakes me up from my deep slumber. I open my eyes just to close it again, it was not only the sounds that annoy, but the lamp above my head is also so bright, too bright to my liking. But then I wonder, is it the lamp that so bright or the pristine white wall surround me that reflecting the light?
I jolt up, stretching my body, feeling my muscle scream from the stiffness. I feel like sleeping forever. I look around me, noticing the nonstop sound come from a machine just beside my head. I reach my hand out to turn it off, even though I don’t even know how to, but I see droplets of water on my hand. I look up to the source only to see my beloved pretty husband crying beside me.
That takes my full attention. There is nothing in this world that I allow to make my husband cry. His tears are the last thing I want to see in this world and it always breaks my heart into pieces whenever he cries. I reach out again, this time, my direction is to stroke the pale high cheek bone of his. I want to stroke those perfect arched eyebrow and that thin tantalizing lips. But then, I can’t. I simply can’t touch him.
“satoshi, hun, wake up…” his hoarse voice startling me. He has deep sexy voice but it now sounds like he has been crying, or worse screaming, so that voice turns hoarse. I don’t understand him, I am awake now.
“Jun, what are you saying? I am awake. Open your eyes jun, I’m here.” I call for him. He must open his eyes and wipe his tears so that he can see me clearly, see me that sat here directly in front of him.
“You promise you won’t leave me, you said you will stay beside me forever, in our good and worse. Wake up satoshi, don’t leave me.”
Jun is whining and begging, I see my hand in his but I couldn't feel his touch. There is something not right here. Just as I thought so, my body become so light and the next thing I know is I float, literary floating on the air.
"jun...jun... JUN!!!" panicky I call for him, trying my best to reach and grip him. I don't know what is going on but I don't want to be separated from him, from my Jun.
My hand hanging in the air when I realized I can't touch my man again and then it is when I stop floating. There I am, standing on air, seeing my own body lies in the middle of hospital bed. I finally understand what is going on after seeing the wires and oxygen mask on me. The bipping sounds earlier is my heart monitor. I am dying.
I see myself clearly for the first time. I lost weight, a lot. My hair was gone, I'm bald now. My face lost it glow, it became dark, but instead off the tan dark I always have, it was more like a burn dark. I lost light of idolness in it. There was no chubby cheek that Jun used to bite, the cheek so thin now so that my cheek bone clearly jolted. I look terribly sick.
"Satoshi, wake up love." Jun weak voice startling me. I walk over to him but instead walking, I float to him.
"Baby, I'm here." I whisper directly into his ear, hoping he will hear me this time. But then it was me who surprise to look at him. He also lost his weight. His wrist that holding out my hand looks so thin. His nose red, his eyes swollen and his lips, those perfect lips I love to peck looked so dry. His hair is a mess, not the well styled hair the idol, Matsumoto Jun always has.
"I promise, I'll let you do whatever you want. You can go fishing no matter how long. I will come with you on boat, I will come with you wherever you want. We could live alone, the two of us only, just wake up, come back to me Satoshi." Jun grips my hand, doesn't even hear me. It breaks my heart into pieces seeing him in this state.
"Baby, I'm here, I'm here Jun, look at me." It is my turn to beg him. Why can't he see me? The me that isn't lying helplessly in that bed. I tried to hold him, but again, I gone through air.
My eyes catch a movement on my right. I see the rest of the members stood behind that glass wall. I couldn't hear them but I can see their expression well, they are debating something. Until someone come into my view, Kitagawa san stood before them, standing as tall as his walking stick allows him. I decide to approach them, if it is Arashi related then I must know.
"You all must remember, Arashi is Japan idol, it will not easy to announce your vacuum in entertainment world." the old man voice heard when I walked through the wall. Wait, I just walked through that wall, how? I have no idea.
"Are you saying that we should go out there, pretending there's nothing wrong when we knew our leader laying in there dying?" Sho roars and walks a step further to the old guy. I never see my brightest member got so furious like now. The calm collected Sho now rage in furry, glad Aiba stands by his side, holding his shoulder tightly and Nino is on his other side, his short arms circling Sho's waist, clinging tightly in the built body.
"Don't you see, we will never be whole again. That is our leader laying there. Please Johnny san, if you ever have a heart, use it now." Aiba says his word clearly, despite the fact tears flowing on his cheek.
"Even I know, this is something money can't buy. You should learn your lesson while you can old man." Nino bratty remarks turns kitagawa's face into beet red.
"If you are not the biggest income for the company, I have had already fire you all long time ago." the owner of Johnny entertainment hiss the words.
"Now is not too late. You could just fire us all now." Sho seems to find his composure again. He stood tall, linked his arms around Masaki and Kazu's shoulder.
"No, guys, stop, don't tempt him. You don't want to be anything aside than Arashi, this is our dream. With or without me Arashi must still exist." I run in front of those three. I still couldn't understand how they could always obey me when we all know, Sho is more leader material than me.
"Johnny sama, press conference is ready. Arashi san, this way." My manager peaking from the door, saying his words carefully, sensing the these atmosphere in the room. I see a big bag under his eyes which I never saw during his time working with me, or is it just me that didn’t notice it earlier?
Kitagawa san turned his body without even looking at his boys. As far as I remember, this is the first time a unit stands up against him and this must be a big shock for that old man. I am torn between following then and return to Jun who still sit silently in his chair, kissing my palm. I want him to see that I am here but I still wonder what Arashi will become. So I walk, no, float, behind them all until the hospital lobby where reporters are waiting and I can't stop seeing outside the hospital, many girls are on their knees, bringing my uchiwa, several are yelling for me to do my best, several are praying but none of them that is not tears free. They all crying, for me?
"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming." Johnny Kitagawa starts his speech and all audience in the room turn silent, letting the old man continues.
"We are here to clear the information regarding Ohno Satoshi, Arashi leader, and the one I consider my own son. Doctor found out his lung was weakened and the tests shown final stadium of cancer." Kitagawa san takes his breath and I see most of the reporters also do the same, so does those girls outside.
"We have tried our best to prevent it's spread but nothing resulted. Doctor predicted he only have a month before the cells finally spread all over his lung and stopped his breathing." I hung my head low, remembering the day the doctor said the same thing to me a month ago. How the news had me devastated.
I got through the chemotherapy directly, hoping it could prolonged my life but as Johnny said, nothing seems to work. I look at my wedding ring that circling my finger, Jun must have slipped it in during my unconsciousness. I look at the other members, seeing they stand so close and Kazu didn't even care he cried on Sho's chest and holds Masaki hand tightly. Sho, my best man, stands tall, holding our two best friends, letting them both cry on his chest and shoulder. My eyes then come to the girls outside the hospital, they cry harder, scream, yelling and several fall unconscious, I never had imagine someone would go that far for me.
I see my father come out from the ICU room, holding my mother and nee-chan walks behind them. I ran to mom, I want to hold her for a moment and I get furry when again I couldn't touch her. If only I could get a second, one single second to hold her again, I want to hold the woman of my life, the one brought me on earth 35 years ago. I would do anything to be with them again, my family, my husband, my brothers and they, who has support me. God if only I could have another chance.
"This is the resignation letter from Matsumoto Jun. He wished to quit the agency and focus on his husband. Even if miracle happens and one day he awaken, Matsumoto san decided to quit the entertainment world and live peacefully. The same letters come from all Arashi, we could not find a way for Arashi to continue." Kitagawa brought my attention back to him. No! Tell me it's wrong. Arashi should always exist.
"We are truly grateful for all your support in these 15 years. Arashi is not only a band but also our way of life, but as Riida always said, Arashi is Arashi whenever the five of us together. We hope our fans will understand and still support our decision as we may never be back without our leader and Arashi only have one leader which is Ohno Satoshi." Sho words come clearly but everyone could see how he shakes due to his emotion. Kazu and Masaki just stand beside him, with tears on their face. They take off their idolness and cry there, in front of cameras and paparazzi, didn't even care they look like a mess.
No! God! Please, don't do this to me, to us. Arashi is our everything. Please let me back, please allow me a second chance. I wish I could scream my heart loud.
A siren heard in a minute and everyone seems to rush running back into the ICU. Sho, Masaki, and Kazu run through me one by one without even noticing. I turn my back and go along with them.
There is a chaos around my bed. Doctors and nurses are running around, attaching more wires and pipes on me. My mother crying in my father's arm and nee-chan hold them together. I see Jun not letting go off my hand and no matter how Sho persuade him, he won't move until Sho gives up and returns to his place with Masaki and Kazu, holding each other and cry together.
"Jun, baby, I love you. Never doubt that." I say clearly into his ear, just in time when the bipping sound turns into one long note and the heart monitor shows one dot on the straight green line. That's the time I realize, I am vanishing and no longer on earth.
***
A long horn awakens me with shock. I open my eyes, trying to figure my location right now. Then memory comes to me slowly. I just finished my SP drama shooting, and I fell to sleep right away once my head touch the headrest in the van. My last scene is the death of my character thus explains my dream.
The dream was so vivid, I wipe my tears. It is the first time I cry in a dream and got into the real life. I take a deep breath before I meet my manager who opens the van door for me.
"Ohno san, I have empty your schedule for tomorrow as you request, please take a rest." He says smiling widely.
I look closely to him. He had been working for me since Arashi debut. Aside than Jun, he might the only one who knows my schedule well. He always takes care of me and the dream makes me think, what will happen to him when I died? What will Johnny do to him? Will he be assigned to other group. Impulsively I hug him and I see a shock in his eyes. Who wouldn't if you being hug by a guy pass midnight like I do now.
"Thank you." I couldn't say anything else than that and I'm aware that I rarely say those words to him. I let him go after a while, patting his shoulder, saying, "Otsukare."
"I will stay in my parent's house with Jun tomorrow. You could look for us there, please inform Jun's manager too." I tell our plan tomorrow. I just want to see my mom, she has been worry about me, nagging on my skinny body and I can't wait to eat her delicious food.
'I want to eat mom yakisoba.' I texted her while my hand open the door. I know she might sleep by now, but I just want to text her anyway. I know there will be a large amount yakisoba awaiting for me tomorrow.
I open the front door, silently lock it again, and took off my shoes, lining it neatly beside another pair of shoes. This time, instead of running inside the bedroom directly, I stand in the middle of the living room, spreading my sight around. How I feel I was not grateful enough to get this far. When half of Japan citizens still struggle with mortgage and loan until the rest of their life, we both manage to buy this house in cash. Not to mention this is a quiet big one. I wonder what will happen to this house if I am no longer exist. Will the next owner find the comfort this house offer?
I look at the glass case on the corner of the living room. I never fuss about anything but it seems my mother always keep all the trophy I got since I come to the entertainment world, I don’t even understand what those was for. It was also Mom’s and Jun’s idea to keep all of them together inside that case, so, who am I to protest my two beloved persons? Another thought crossing my mind, if I was no longer alive, who would want to see those cold metal goblets? Those just things that I don’t even think will fit inside my coffin anyway.
My eyes stopped on an abstract painting that I made for both of us. If anyone sees it closely, they will find our faces behind all those colorful squares and triangles. I gave the painting to Jun as my home warming gift and it is indeed warming this house every day. Which also remind me, I have someone waiting on my bed.
I walk faster to the bedroom but still in silent, open it slowly and step in. Even in the dim of light, I could clearly see another body forming out under the comforter. Jun lays on his stomach by his side of the bed, his hand daggling out of the bed but his other hand holding my pillow tightly. Smiling, I put on the pajamas he prepares on my side. Jun will always considerate and looking after me even if I never request anything from him. He being on my side is enough for me. I have Matsumoto Jun beside me for the rest of my life and that is more than enough.
I lay myself under the blanket beside Jun. Flopped on my elbow, I watch my beloved man sleeping face. I was never lying when I say his best figure is when he sleeps. But it was only my privilege to see it freely like now. His eyes close tightly with long lashes formed a ghostly shadow on his white high cheek bone. His long nose look perfect from my point of view, jolting out from his face, forming a perfect triangle just above his pink thin lips, the lips that had been in my dreams since the start of Arashi, even until now. Those perfect lips that I can never held myself from kissing them. I lean closely and peck those inviting lips. I still can’t believe I got him beside me.
Despite all the characters he shows on screen, not much people understand the passion, strength and love beneath it. No one believe if ‘the’ Matsumoto Jun was a very insecure guy beneath all the confident he show to public. Not anybody could read and accept all his mood swings. But he is all mine now, heart, body and soul as I am his. We complete each other.
I slowly turn him to be on his side, circling my arm around his tiny waist and pull him closer to me. It still feels amazing when he unconsciously shifting into my front and fit himself within my arms despite the fact his body is actually bigger than mine.
I inhale deeply, letting his scent feels my lung. What if I was really have the lung cancer like I had in my dream? Could I still be able to smell his scent? Will he stay by my side like in my dream, even if I lost my hair and weight? And turn disgustingly ugly? I don’t want to see him cries but I also knew I won’t survive a single day without him either.
I hold him tighter. What will he do if I die? Will he cries for me? How long will he mourn for me? Will he look for another man? Will he still love me? Will he believe that I will stay loving him even after my last breath? Will we meet again in the next life? So many questions inside my head but there is one biggest one, have I show him every day that I love him so he will never doubt it?
Now I realize, it was not death that I'm afraid of, but I'm scare to leave my life, scare of every possibility that might happen to people I love when I'm not around.
Once again, I inhale deeply, trying my best to have his scent covering me. I tighten my hold and kiss the nape in front of me, finally calmed. I close my eyes, letting the tiredness swap me away. I know I won’t be having the dream again that now I have my guardian beside me, so I drift into sleep knowing tomorrow will bring me another new chapter in my life that I will cherish each moment of it.
a.n.: No, I haven't watch the SP nor figure whether I brave enough to watch it or not. So these all just made up in my mind when I listened to the song weeks ago... *dabbing on my tears, I can't stop crying... TT__TT