(no subject)
Where do I go?
I can't go back, but I don't wanna move forward. I'm stuck in the limbo of life where I am clinging onto my past but trying to live in the present. Thinking people who I've met here may not be what I made them out to be. Maybe no one is. How well do I really know any of my friends? Maybe I've just been living a lie this whole time and no one is who they make themselves out to be. Perhaps I'm not either, but I couldn't tell you one way or the other. I hardly even recognize myself anymore. I'm selfish, I'm bossy, I never sleep, I smoke way too much, I'm way too mature for my age, I'm emotionally cold, I have too many responsibilities and I am not that good at juggling them, and I'm late to everything. I seriously look in the mirror and wonder how I got to this point. I can't remember anything about the transition process.
This is not to say that I'm not acting like me. It's just a whole other side of me. A side that I may not favor particularly. I'm second-guessing my living situation. There have been the most dumb unresolvable conflicts lately and i'm getting dragged into the middle of something I could give a shit less about. Well, that's not entirely true, but it's definitely overexaggerated.
On another note, I totally miss high school. Not the actual school, or the futility of it, or how seriously I took it only to realize that it didn't matter (well, up until senior year). But I miss my tight-knit reliable group of friends who were always there for me whether or not it was to go party, get some studying/project/homework done, or if I needed their support for something. I feel as though I would do almost anything for my friends, especially my closest friends. And in high school, I felt the same way about my tightest girls (and guys). But now, I can't assure myself that this is true. I mean even my three closest friends at the moment I have my concerns about, based on their behavior and the things they say about people who they consider close. But then again, what am I doing? I guess we're not all perfect and I can't expect so much out of people, but I feel like they should at least be able to give me the same treatment and respect that I give them in return.
It's funny how listening to depressing music that gives you a sinking feeling in your stomach actually feels good sometimes when you're bummed out. I don't even consider it wallowing in pity, it's just something that unexplainably happens to make me feel better.
It's also funny how you can listen to deep, meaningful lyrics in search of the words that sum up how you feel, but then you turn on the radio and hear some catchy tune that captures it all. And on that note..
"With my big black boots and an old suitcase,
I do believe I'll find myself a new place.
I don't want to be the bad guy,
I don't want to do your sleepwalk dance anymore.
I just want to see some palm trees,
I will try and shake away this disease."
I can't go back, but I don't wanna move forward. I'm stuck in the limbo of life where I am clinging onto my past but trying to live in the present. Thinking people who I've met here may not be what I made them out to be. Maybe no one is. How well do I really know any of my friends? Maybe I've just been living a lie this whole time and no one is who they make themselves out to be. Perhaps I'm not either, but I couldn't tell you one way or the other. I hardly even recognize myself anymore. I'm selfish, I'm bossy, I never sleep, I smoke way too much, I'm way too mature for my age, I'm emotionally cold, I have too many responsibilities and I am not that good at juggling them, and I'm late to everything. I seriously look in the mirror and wonder how I got to this point. I can't remember anything about the transition process.
This is not to say that I'm not acting like me. It's just a whole other side of me. A side that I may not favor particularly. I'm second-guessing my living situation. There have been the most dumb unresolvable conflicts lately and i'm getting dragged into the middle of something I could give a shit less about. Well, that's not entirely true, but it's definitely overexaggerated.
On another note, I totally miss high school. Not the actual school, or the futility of it, or how seriously I took it only to realize that it didn't matter (well, up until senior year). But I miss my tight-knit reliable group of friends who were always there for me whether or not it was to go party, get some studying/project/homework done, or if I needed their support for something. I feel as though I would do almost anything for my friends, especially my closest friends. And in high school, I felt the same way about my tightest girls (and guys). But now, I can't assure myself that this is true. I mean even my three closest friends at the moment I have my concerns about, based on their behavior and the things they say about people who they consider close. But then again, what am I doing? I guess we're not all perfect and I can't expect so much out of people, but I feel like they should at least be able to give me the same treatment and respect that I give them in return.
It's funny how listening to depressing music that gives you a sinking feeling in your stomach actually feels good sometimes when you're bummed out. I don't even consider it wallowing in pity, it's just something that unexplainably happens to make me feel better.
It's also funny how you can listen to deep, meaningful lyrics in search of the words that sum up how you feel, but then you turn on the radio and hear some catchy tune that captures it all. And on that note..
"With my big black boots and an old suitcase,
I do believe I'll find myself a new place.
I don't want to be the bad guy,
I don't want to do your sleepwalk dance anymore.
I just want to see some palm trees,
I will try and shake away this disease."