Take This Job and Shove It - Public Version
It's official. The head of my law firm is the Biggest Douche in the Universe. I don't refer to him as my boss because I'd like to think that my boss was the professional, highly experienced paralegal I worked under that the head of the firm drove away with his insane, douche-like behavior. I will henceforth call the head of the firm David, because he is a wealthier, fatter, more popular version of David Brent from the British version of "The Office". Today, the other secretary, my boss, and I staged a revolution of sorts. We all turned in our two week notices this morning, leaving David scampering to find a new staff. At 6:30pm tonight David called the other secretary and I to tell us we were "no longer needed" (read: fired). This is not a problem: my boss already has a new job lined up, I've got an interview at a headhunting agency next week, and the other secretary (a full-time student) is off to London for spring break. This leaves David without any staff whatsoever. What's all the sweeter is that he may get disbarred soon because of his own incompetence, despite trying to force the adverse party, the client, my boss, and even yours truly to take the blame for him. However, this is but the tip of the iceberg.
David is fucking insane. Everybody has their own theory about this. My boss claimed that David is just an asshole, while another coworker suspected that drugs might be involved. And another coworker says that David simply has no leadership ability and deals with stress very poorly. My theory is that David has severe mental problems, the majority of which are caused by stress. I think he has either paranoid schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. The man lives in his own little fantasy world where people are all conspiring against him. He is viciously manipulative, often fabricating conversations with clients or employees that never took place. He is also a pathological liar. David has somehow convinced himself that he had polio as a child and was forced to go to school with an iron lung (his words exactly). This is total bullshit for several reasons, the most obvious being that polio does permanent muscle damage and David does not walk with a limp. He's also convinced himself that he's more or less a doctor (he even has a set of scrubs he wears to the office), when he has, on several occasions, argued medical fallacies (ie: stress does not cause illness).
David is extremely arrogant. He throws a temper tantrum when he has to do basic tasks such as cleaning the kitchen, taking out the garbage, or even finding a phone number. He pretty much talks to everybody like shit and has been extremely rude to our clients. Everything you say to him is "demeaning," everything insults his intelligence, and everything is somehow beneath him. (And when you try explaining this to him, he just looks at you like you grew arms out of your head.) The one time I cursed at him (and technically I cursed to him), I said, "David, you've gotta be shitting me." and he threw a HUGE hissy fit, threatening to fire me if I ever talked to him that way again. So yeah, arrogant and completely incapable of dealing with employees. Really, the worst part about this is that he wants everyone to believe that he's this great humanitarian. You know the type: willing to help out, volunteer and contribute, but a total fucking prick otherwise. He spends more time going to Scout meetings than he does at the office. The voice mail on his cell phone says, "And do something nice for a child today" at the end, to which I always reply before the beep, "Bite me, asshole." David desperately wants to make people think he's this super-important, superior, but nice, caring guy, and it makes me want to vomit.
David refuses to take responsibility for anything. I can't count the number of times he's screwed up and tried to blame it on the staff. My favorite (besides his imminent disbarring) was the time he signed for our W-2 forms and fucking lost them. The delivery guy HAD HIS FUCKING SIGNATURE and he simply wouldn't own up to it. Instead, we had a 20 minute meeting about how to stamp the mail. (David is also the motherfucker who took my date stamp and dicked with it; I spent 10 minutes fixing it and got ink all over my hands because he's too stupid to use a date stamp.)
David is incompetent. David is the head of a law firm and has practiced law for over 25 years. He cannot type, he cannot use a postage machine, he can barely fax, he can't order office supplies, he can't perform the most basic of functions on a phone system, and he can't do anything on a computer but stare at the pretty screensaver. He is very literally the pointy-haired boss from Dilbert.
I took the liberty of covering my own ass before I left. I was in charge of ordering all office supplies, so I made personal copies of all the office supply invoices just in case he later claims that I tried to steal money from him. I don't think he'll do it, but I trust the fat fuck about as far as I can throw him. (Part of me is actually worried that he'll see this post and try to sue for slander or something, even though I didn't use his real name in the public version; he's just that vindictive.) And the motherfucker's going to be hiring some poor unsuspecting college student who's just looking for a decent job. Hopefully he/she will come away with the same lesson I have: if your boss is an arrogant, incompetent cunt who lies constantly, it's time to find another job.
David is fucking insane. Everybody has their own theory about this. My boss claimed that David is just an asshole, while another coworker suspected that drugs might be involved. And another coworker says that David simply has no leadership ability and deals with stress very poorly. My theory is that David has severe mental problems, the majority of which are caused by stress. I think he has either paranoid schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. The man lives in his own little fantasy world where people are all conspiring against him. He is viciously manipulative, often fabricating conversations with clients or employees that never took place. He is also a pathological liar. David has somehow convinced himself that he had polio as a child and was forced to go to school with an iron lung (his words exactly). This is total bullshit for several reasons, the most obvious being that polio does permanent muscle damage and David does not walk with a limp. He's also convinced himself that he's more or less a doctor (he even has a set of scrubs he wears to the office), when he has, on several occasions, argued medical fallacies (ie: stress does not cause illness).
David is extremely arrogant. He throws a temper tantrum when he has to do basic tasks such as cleaning the kitchen, taking out the garbage, or even finding a phone number. He pretty much talks to everybody like shit and has been extremely rude to our clients. Everything you say to him is "demeaning," everything insults his intelligence, and everything is somehow beneath him. (And when you try explaining this to him, he just looks at you like you grew arms out of your head.) The one time I cursed at him (and technically I cursed to him), I said, "David, you've gotta be shitting me." and he threw a HUGE hissy fit, threatening to fire me if I ever talked to him that way again. So yeah, arrogant and completely incapable of dealing with employees. Really, the worst part about this is that he wants everyone to believe that he's this great humanitarian. You know the type: willing to help out, volunteer and contribute, but a total fucking prick otherwise. He spends more time going to Scout meetings than he does at the office. The voice mail on his cell phone says, "And do something nice for a child today" at the end, to which I always reply before the beep, "Bite me, asshole." David desperately wants to make people think he's this super-important, superior, but nice, caring guy, and it makes me want to vomit.
David refuses to take responsibility for anything. I can't count the number of times he's screwed up and tried to blame it on the staff. My favorite (besides his imminent disbarring) was the time he signed for our W-2 forms and fucking lost them. The delivery guy HAD HIS FUCKING SIGNATURE and he simply wouldn't own up to it. Instead, we had a 20 minute meeting about how to stamp the mail. (David is also the motherfucker who took my date stamp and dicked with it; I spent 10 minutes fixing it and got ink all over my hands because he's too stupid to use a date stamp.)
David is incompetent. David is the head of a law firm and has practiced law for over 25 years. He cannot type, he cannot use a postage machine, he can barely fax, he can't order office supplies, he can't perform the most basic of functions on a phone system, and he can't do anything on a computer but stare at the pretty screensaver. He is very literally the pointy-haired boss from Dilbert.
I took the liberty of covering my own ass before I left. I was in charge of ordering all office supplies, so I made personal copies of all the office supply invoices just in case he later claims that I tried to steal money from him. I don't think he'll do it, but I trust the fat fuck about as far as I can throw him. (Part of me is actually worried that he'll see this post and try to sue for slander or something, even though I didn't use his real name in the public version; he's just that vindictive.) And the motherfucker's going to be hiring some poor unsuspecting college student who's just looking for a decent job. Hopefully he/she will come away with the same lesson I have: if your boss is an arrogant, incompetent cunt who lies constantly, it's time to find another job.