13 Parenting tips from Poltergeist
This October, I was very upset to learn that every year, the movie channels on TV decide to play less and less horror movies, and instead cram them into the last week of the month. Which, kind of sucks because they usually end up playing the same movies as the year before. Some of these movies aren't horror movies at all. Like who really thinks that Constantine or Ghostbusters 2 are horror movies? Both good in their own right, but come on. I think it's just another way that this Big L liberal PC country is trying to make things more family orientated. Anyways.. enough ranting, on with the main focus of this blog.
So, Cassie and I are sitting here, watching Poltergeist. This is one of my favorite movies. Ever. Since I was a kid watching this movie, it has several scenes in it, that in my opinion just haven't matched yet, in modern movies. Stop motion animation just holds something dear in my black heart. And yet, we find ourselves talking about how the parents in this movie, are the worst kind of parents ever, and they do things that people should take heed of, if they don't want to deal with messed up kids in the future. So I now present to you...
13 PARENTING TIPS FROM POLTERGEIST!
1. If your childs beloved pet dies, be sure to not let them catch you trying to FLUSH IT DOWN THE TOILET! This makes for some messed up kids, to be honest. They see Mr. Tweety taking a dip in that swirling maelstrom of doom, and you're going to be paying some big bills to a child therapist.
2. As long as the kids are sleeping, it is apparently alright to still smoke pot. Now, after having a 17 year old, a 12 year old and a 4 year old, I guess a little weed is in order every now and then, just don't do that belly thing that Craig T. Nelson does in the mirror.
3. Get rid of that creepy tree in your yard. If your kid says that he's scared of the tree outside his window, don't feed him some bullshit like, 'Oh, that tree is very old. It'll protect us!' Hire yourself some lumberjacks, preferably ones that'll punch it down with their chainsaw gloves, and get rid of that fucker. Even if the tree ISN'T possessed by a poltergeist, your kid will probably fall from it and be a vegetable anyways.
4. TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING TV! It's not a therapeutic noise machine to lull you to sleep. Get a fan or an air conditioner if you want white noise to fall asleep to. Aside from being a parenting tip, it's also good for lowering your electric bill.
5. If your daughter is speaking of the 'TV People', react quickly. Chances are, if you keep playing with it, you're going to end up running down that vertigo hallway, only to enter the room where your daughter disappeared into that giant Vagina closet.
6. Don't ever buy your children clown dolls. This isn't the early 20th century. Clowns are not cute, or funny, or joyous. Clown are creepy and fucking evil. If you get your children a clown doll, you should be served with papers, taken to court and have your kids taken away from you. Abusive motherfuckers.
7. Letting your children slide across the floor in a football helmet, does not ensure their safety. Especially when there are arcane forces from the astral plane pulling on your children's soul. This also goes with the idea of not fucking with ghosts. It's not cute and silly. Heck, you're a parent. Shouldn't you have jobs? I mean, did the mother in this movie call out of work in order to mess with Poltergeists? No wonder they're pissed and try to steal her daughter.
8. If an evil, malicious tree has taken your son out of the window by means of black sorcery, don't just run outside and leave the 4 year old alone and frightened in the bedroom. There are two parents. The man should go outside and punch the tree to death, while the woman tends to the fears of their youngest child.
9. If your child is trapped in the TV and starts talking like she's in that Phil Collins song, you should make her say cool shit and record it. That song is awesome... now that I think about it, that's probably a bad parenting tip.
10. Always, ALWAYS keep a creepy, midget witch lady on speed dial. You never know when she'll come in handy.
11. If the paranormal researchers you've hired to investigate your house shit their pants, you know something is wrong with your house. See, I told you that you shouldn't have taken that day off from work to fuck with a ghost. Good job, asshole.
12. Whatever you do, never build your house on an old graveyard, just for prime realty. No matter what it takes, you convince your company to not build. And if they still decide to build on it, don't move your family there and expect nothing to happen.
13. Pets are usually a good indicator that your house might have a malevolent presence in it. If the dog starts barking at nothing, or just plain freaking out, I think it's time to pack up the kids and stay at Grandma's for a couple of weeks.
After all is said and done, and you follow these 13 easy steps, you'll be sure to raise yourself a winner of a child. Or a serial killer. Either way, it'll be exciting!
-That is all
So, Cassie and I are sitting here, watching Poltergeist. This is one of my favorite movies. Ever. Since I was a kid watching this movie, it has several scenes in it, that in my opinion just haven't matched yet, in modern movies. Stop motion animation just holds something dear in my black heart. And yet, we find ourselves talking about how the parents in this movie, are the worst kind of parents ever, and they do things that people should take heed of, if they don't want to deal with messed up kids in the future. So I now present to you...
13 PARENTING TIPS FROM POLTERGEIST!
1. If your childs beloved pet dies, be sure to not let them catch you trying to FLUSH IT DOWN THE TOILET! This makes for some messed up kids, to be honest. They see Mr. Tweety taking a dip in that swirling maelstrom of doom, and you're going to be paying some big bills to a child therapist.
2. As long as the kids are sleeping, it is apparently alright to still smoke pot. Now, after having a 17 year old, a 12 year old and a 4 year old, I guess a little weed is in order every now and then, just don't do that belly thing that Craig T. Nelson does in the mirror.
3. Get rid of that creepy tree in your yard. If your kid says that he's scared of the tree outside his window, don't feed him some bullshit like, 'Oh, that tree is very old. It'll protect us!' Hire yourself some lumberjacks, preferably ones that'll punch it down with their chainsaw gloves, and get rid of that fucker. Even if the tree ISN'T possessed by a poltergeist, your kid will probably fall from it and be a vegetable anyways.
4. TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING TV! It's not a therapeutic noise machine to lull you to sleep. Get a fan or an air conditioner if you want white noise to fall asleep to. Aside from being a parenting tip, it's also good for lowering your electric bill.
5. If your daughter is speaking of the 'TV People', react quickly. Chances are, if you keep playing with it, you're going to end up running down that vertigo hallway, only to enter the room where your daughter disappeared into that giant Vagina closet.
6. Don't ever buy your children clown dolls. This isn't the early 20th century. Clowns are not cute, or funny, or joyous. Clown are creepy and fucking evil. If you get your children a clown doll, you should be served with papers, taken to court and have your kids taken away from you. Abusive motherfuckers.
7. Letting your children slide across the floor in a football helmet, does not ensure their safety. Especially when there are arcane forces from the astral plane pulling on your children's soul. This also goes with the idea of not fucking with ghosts. It's not cute and silly. Heck, you're a parent. Shouldn't you have jobs? I mean, did the mother in this movie call out of work in order to mess with Poltergeists? No wonder they're pissed and try to steal her daughter.
8. If an evil, malicious tree has taken your son out of the window by means of black sorcery, don't just run outside and leave the 4 year old alone and frightened in the bedroom. There are two parents. The man should go outside and punch the tree to death, while the woman tends to the fears of their youngest child.
9. If your child is trapped in the TV and starts talking like she's in that Phil Collins song, you should make her say cool shit and record it. That song is awesome... now that I think about it, that's probably a bad parenting tip.
10. Always, ALWAYS keep a creepy, midget witch lady on speed dial. You never know when she'll come in handy.
11. If the paranormal researchers you've hired to investigate your house shit their pants, you know something is wrong with your house. See, I told you that you shouldn't have taken that day off from work to fuck with a ghost. Good job, asshole.
12. Whatever you do, never build your house on an old graveyard, just for prime realty. No matter what it takes, you convince your company to not build. And if they still decide to build on it, don't move your family there and expect nothing to happen.
13. Pets are usually a good indicator that your house might have a malevolent presence in it. If the dog starts barking at nothing, or just plain freaking out, I think it's time to pack up the kids and stay at Grandma's for a couple of weeks.
After all is said and done, and you follow these 13 easy steps, you'll be sure to raise yourself a winner of a child. Or a serial killer. Either way, it'll be exciting!
-That is all