Oops, i forgot this thing existed.
Well writing is healing and i love my friends, so i may as well share a little bit.
I am living in Asheville, still, working with a local herbalist four days a week. I am doing a full work-trade apprenticeship: I take her classes for free (430 hours over the course of seven months, covering the wide spectrum of herbalism but especially heavy on Botany) and in exchange I work in her gardens, play with her amazing two year old, organize school-related issues and just generally help keep her life running in order. I could talk for days about the new plants in my life and plant family trivia but I'll spare y'all... My class is an amazing group of open-hearted folks and they provide a really necessary family to me. A great balance to Punk Asheville.
I'm still technically living in the shack that I posted about last fall, and it's wonderful to have a place that i can call mine, but the truth is that it is moldy and dark and lonely. At first the advantages of not paying rent, of living in the woods, of having my own space and living without electricity were worth it. Sometime during the spring the scales tipped and it became a higher priority to live in community, to have a sanitary place to eat and brew and make medicine, and to feel stable and safe and not so sketched out all the time in my home. There's a time and place for land squatting but right now it's just not making sense in my life.
My next step is a little up in the air but I have a scheme that I'm afraid to jinx. I'll keep everyone updated.
I guess I never officially mentioned it, but I got back into playing music this year, after a long long break. I bought two accordions in the winter and took an eight week Klezmer course and have been picking up gypsy and klezmer and cajun music whenever I have time (which is rarely). I've been homebrewing a lot lately too; I just bottled up a Pine Mead and some Blueberry Wine and racked some Wormwood brew. I've been learning a ton in the gardens out at Juliet's, starting seeds, transplanting, mulching and watering, and feeling decently skilled at helping plants grow. I spent the last couple months in auto parts stores and pouring over car manuals as I tried to restore (with lots of help from Josh) an old beater truck - a 1981 Diesel Nissan pickup. I'm preparing to sell it soon as I bought something even more ideal - a 1983 Turbo Diesel Dodge D50 small pickup with 4x4. My feelings on vehicles, even ones that run on vegetable oil, are obviously complex, but it has felt important this year to learn about making them run.
I'm reading the Mists of Avalon and listening to a lot of Cat Stevens lately.
Life is just now starting to feel magical again. Which is to say, I've had a really hard year in terms of mental health. Nothing felt right, everything felt makeshift. I can't even claim that I was always trying; I didn't even have it in me to try. I've tried connecting it to the shock of coming back to the US after living in Guatemala; I've connected it to Mosca's death and it's devastating impact on my community. I moved back to a city, which is bad for me. It was also just winter and I'm also just 23 and sometimes these things just need to happen, maybe. I don't really have words for depression or anxiety anymore. I just know that it scares me shitless. It's not logical. It's not even emotional. It's energetic, it's of something we don't understand, or have lost connection to. I'm pulling out of it and I've been pulling out of it for the past couple of months, but I still can't really talk about it. I'm ashamed and afraid to talk about it. I just want to move on.
A few conclusions lately:
Although discipline, goal setting, and skillset-acquiring through traditional means are all very vital and fulfilling...
Having an overwhelmingly busy schedule during the most beautiful and joyous part of the year (for me) is only fulfilling in the way that college, or being sick, or long car rides are - aka the feeling of I'm Kind Of Miserable But It Will Pay Off Later (I Hope). There is a distinct possibility that I would be feeling unhappy and socially awkward regardless, but I'll never know, as I always have an easy out - the "no thanks, can't go out tonight, school in the morning" or "sorry i'm so boring y'all, it's just that i started work at seven this morning..." It's definitely a lifestyle issue, as I know that most of the world is far busier than I am right now. But damn, what I wouldn't give to be able to swim all day or ride a freight train right now....
Conclusion number two:
What the hell was I thinking moving back to the city?! Hey Laura, remember when you decided that civilization is what makes you miserable and what you thought was your Crazy was really your mind longing to connect to nature and beyond and that which is hidden from us in this culture, and so then you decided to move to the woods and travel by bike and live off the grid and it was great?
Yeah. It kind of solved everything ever. So I stuck with it, I let that conclusion shape where and how I lived; I invested money and time and formed a partnership around a certain lifestyle that -worked-. And then I forgot, or maybe I purposefully defied the ultimatum I had given to city life. Because here I am, waking up to traffic noises, choking on smog on my bicycle, paying an electricity bill this month for the first time in four years. I've even been considering setting my yurt up in someone's backyard, just to have a convenient affordable place to live. Well, I'm over it, and honestly I'm ashamed that it took nine months to re-learn that I can't live in cities. At least it didn't take longer.
Ironically, I think this year will look really awesome in hindsight. It's just the transition that's hard.
Taken the day Micah and I got matching bike chain tattoos.
Get your ass back down here to the Blue Ridge, Ms. Sky...
15 East Chestnut Family Photo 2007
No one will ever compare to my puppaface....
It's true, we still drink PBR and eat dumpstered pizza....
I can't believe I got everyone to wear my Harry Potter glasses on Valentine's day
What's your favorite breakfast food?
Goodbye sweet shack home.
I am living in Asheville, still, working with a local herbalist four days a week. I am doing a full work-trade apprenticeship: I take her classes for free (430 hours over the course of seven months, covering the wide spectrum of herbalism but especially heavy on Botany) and in exchange I work in her gardens, play with her amazing two year old, organize school-related issues and just generally help keep her life running in order. I could talk for days about the new plants in my life and plant family trivia but I'll spare y'all... My class is an amazing group of open-hearted folks and they provide a really necessary family to me. A great balance to Punk Asheville.
I'm still technically living in the shack that I posted about last fall, and it's wonderful to have a place that i can call mine, but the truth is that it is moldy and dark and lonely. At first the advantages of not paying rent, of living in the woods, of having my own space and living without electricity were worth it. Sometime during the spring the scales tipped and it became a higher priority to live in community, to have a sanitary place to eat and brew and make medicine, and to feel stable and safe and not so sketched out all the time in my home. There's a time and place for land squatting but right now it's just not making sense in my life.
My next step is a little up in the air but I have a scheme that I'm afraid to jinx. I'll keep everyone updated.
I guess I never officially mentioned it, but I got back into playing music this year, after a long long break. I bought two accordions in the winter and took an eight week Klezmer course and have been picking up gypsy and klezmer and cajun music whenever I have time (which is rarely). I've been homebrewing a lot lately too; I just bottled up a Pine Mead and some Blueberry Wine and racked some Wormwood brew. I've been learning a ton in the gardens out at Juliet's, starting seeds, transplanting, mulching and watering, and feeling decently skilled at helping plants grow. I spent the last couple months in auto parts stores and pouring over car manuals as I tried to restore (with lots of help from Josh) an old beater truck - a 1981 Diesel Nissan pickup. I'm preparing to sell it soon as I bought something even more ideal - a 1983 Turbo Diesel Dodge D50 small pickup with 4x4. My feelings on vehicles, even ones that run on vegetable oil, are obviously complex, but it has felt important this year to learn about making them run.
I'm reading the Mists of Avalon and listening to a lot of Cat Stevens lately.
Life is just now starting to feel magical again. Which is to say, I've had a really hard year in terms of mental health. Nothing felt right, everything felt makeshift. I can't even claim that I was always trying; I didn't even have it in me to try. I've tried connecting it to the shock of coming back to the US after living in Guatemala; I've connected it to Mosca's death and it's devastating impact on my community. I moved back to a city, which is bad for me. It was also just winter and I'm also just 23 and sometimes these things just need to happen, maybe. I don't really have words for depression or anxiety anymore. I just know that it scares me shitless. It's not logical. It's not even emotional. It's energetic, it's of something we don't understand, or have lost connection to. I'm pulling out of it and I've been pulling out of it for the past couple of months, but I still can't really talk about it. I'm ashamed and afraid to talk about it. I just want to move on.
A few conclusions lately:
Although discipline, goal setting, and skillset-acquiring through traditional means are all very vital and fulfilling...
Having an overwhelmingly busy schedule during the most beautiful and joyous part of the year (for me) is only fulfilling in the way that college, or being sick, or long car rides are - aka the feeling of I'm Kind Of Miserable But It Will Pay Off Later (I Hope). There is a distinct possibility that I would be feeling unhappy and socially awkward regardless, but I'll never know, as I always have an easy out - the "no thanks, can't go out tonight, school in the morning" or "sorry i'm so boring y'all, it's just that i started work at seven this morning..." It's definitely a lifestyle issue, as I know that most of the world is far busier than I am right now. But damn, what I wouldn't give to be able to swim all day or ride a freight train right now....
Conclusion number two:
What the hell was I thinking moving back to the city?! Hey Laura, remember when you decided that civilization is what makes you miserable and what you thought was your Crazy was really your mind longing to connect to nature and beyond and that which is hidden from us in this culture, and so then you decided to move to the woods and travel by bike and live off the grid and it was great?
Yeah. It kind of solved everything ever. So I stuck with it, I let that conclusion shape where and how I lived; I invested money and time and formed a partnership around a certain lifestyle that -worked-. And then I forgot, or maybe I purposefully defied the ultimatum I had given to city life. Because here I am, waking up to traffic noises, choking on smog on my bicycle, paying an electricity bill this month for the first time in four years. I've even been considering setting my yurt up in someone's backyard, just to have a convenient affordable place to live. Well, I'm over it, and honestly I'm ashamed that it took nine months to re-learn that I can't live in cities. At least it didn't take longer.
Ironically, I think this year will look really awesome in hindsight. It's just the transition that's hard.
Taken the day Micah and I got matching bike chain tattoos.
Get your ass back down here to the Blue Ridge, Ms. Sky...
15 East Chestnut Family Photo 2007
No one will ever compare to my puppaface....
It's true, we still drink PBR and eat dumpstered pizza....
I can't believe I got everyone to wear my Harry Potter glasses on Valentine's day
What's your favorite breakfast food?
Goodbye sweet shack home.