wednesday
Now I find out that it is stupid hughesnet that is causing the livejournal login problem. I emailed them and we'll see how long til they fix it.
Had some shed time this morning:
sun coming in the door and hitting the bedspread
A little chipmunk visited me this morning 2 times while I was in the shed. Ran in the door to the middle of the floor and then out again. I bet he was puzzled that the door was open and he couldn't figure out how this new space was there where it used to be a simple wall to him before.
I hope Jill comes today - I really need a day off and time away from "my worries", my guilt. I know I sound like I am such a loving person (and I guess I am) but I am also a person who is angry inside and impatient. I know what I am like inside. I see who really lives in here. I feel like I am going to flip out sometimes as I'm trying to get mom to take her meds, or a bite of food or take a hold of the straw and she is refusing. I take it personally. I guess I am comparing myself to Jill and her patience in this situation. She has so much more patience!!!! And a gentleness about her that I don't have. I have taken care of so many people in my life - my brother John and my dad (and the patients at Polk) but they wanted what I was offering (a drink or food or their meds) - I feel like I am dealing with a rebellious child with mom. I intellectually know mom is dying, in the dying process, and not wanted to eat is part of that process much of the time but it is so HARD to not want to give her sustenance. Shall I just let her lay in her bed, mouth clamped shut and die? When Jill is here she opens up so I know she is capable of wanting it sometimes. I feel very inadequate.
ANYway... Jill hasn't called yet so it is very possible that she is coming! I can make plans for my day today. I would love to play with my new little painting box that I got a while ago. I had a chance to paint experimentally with it a while ago (before all this happened with mom) and it is such a cute little thing:
This size of painting box holds 5" by 7" canvases and has a built in easel. Your medium and brushes can be held on the right side and the left side is the palette. Here is a video showing it in use - so adorable!!!! I hope to get out somehow and use it today. I'll help Jill get started with mom at 9 am and then PT is coming at 10 and I'll get to talk with them - then FREE TIME.
Had some shed time this morning:
sun coming in the door and hitting the bedspread
A little chipmunk visited me this morning 2 times while I was in the shed. Ran in the door to the middle of the floor and then out again. I bet he was puzzled that the door was open and he couldn't figure out how this new space was there where it used to be a simple wall to him before.
I hope Jill comes today - I really need a day off and time away from "my worries", my guilt. I know I sound like I am such a loving person (and I guess I am) but I am also a person who is angry inside and impatient. I know what I am like inside. I see who really lives in here. I feel like I am going to flip out sometimes as I'm trying to get mom to take her meds, or a bite of food or take a hold of the straw and she is refusing. I take it personally. I guess I am comparing myself to Jill and her patience in this situation. She has so much more patience!!!! And a gentleness about her that I don't have. I have taken care of so many people in my life - my brother John and my dad (and the patients at Polk) but they wanted what I was offering (a drink or food or their meds) - I feel like I am dealing with a rebellious child with mom. I intellectually know mom is dying, in the dying process, and not wanted to eat is part of that process much of the time but it is so HARD to not want to give her sustenance. Shall I just let her lay in her bed, mouth clamped shut and die? When Jill is here she opens up so I know she is capable of wanting it sometimes. I feel very inadequate.
ANYway... Jill hasn't called yet so it is very possible that she is coming! I can make plans for my day today. I would love to play with my new little painting box that I got a while ago. I had a chance to paint experimentally with it a while ago (before all this happened with mom) and it is such a cute little thing:
This size of painting box holds 5" by 7" canvases and has a built in easel. Your medium and brushes can be held on the right side and the left side is the palette. Here is a video showing it in use - so adorable!!!! I hope to get out somehow and use it today. I'll help Jill get started with mom at 9 am and then PT is coming at 10 and I'll get to talk with them - then FREE TIME.