oo-tapo easter
I brought Oo-tapo home yesterday morning and as soon as I got him out of the travel box I felt like I had made a terrible mistake. He seemed to be so out of breath and uncomfortable. I thought I should have looked at him there at the vet's office to see how he was doing before I brought him home - should have had him put to sleep right then and ended his suffering there. Three times on the phone the Doctor had used the phrase, "plan for euthanization" when we talked about him but every time she said it I said I'd like to bring him home first and see how he would do. Once home I tried to get him to eat the food they sent with him and he refused. The release papers said he would need force fed if he didn't eat so I tried force feeding (with a syringe) and he fought that so badly. Which made me fear - what would he be like with taking meds that night if he hated his food so much. Yesterday was such a hopeless day. But last night he took his meds like a champ and I figured out during the day that if I mixed milk into his food he likes it. Hope returned.
It is like we know death is always there - as long as we are alive we know death is coming. But death is so very far away, far away over the hills and invisible. All of a sudden it appears. In some cases the hill it pops over is many miles away and death is still barely visible, we can still ignore it. But with Oo-tapo the hill death appeared over is the last hill and so very close. It can't be ignored at all now. He has cancer in his lungs and the fluid the cancer makes is filling up his lungs so he can't breath. But today I have a little hope - not that he will live long but that he can live a little while and we can have a chance to say goodbye properly. I have a vet appointment on Wednesday morning - maybe by then I'll know more what will be the right decision. I hate decisions and hate especially making decisions for other living beings. So there is a quietness and worry hanging over everything now. I'm just trying to trust I will know when the time is right and I will be able to get him to the vet when the time is right. I don't want him to suffer.
For today though he is resting. Moving around every now and then. Going here and there. After doing something he lays down to rest a while and he's going at his own pace. I bring him a bowl of milk mixed with moist food every few hours and he is willing to eat it. He's taking his meds every 12 hours without a fight. He got up on my table and I found him watching the bird feeder this morning. I'm making origami cranes for a project and he laid and watched me, purring, reaching out to touch them every once in a while with his paw.
It is like we know death is always there - as long as we are alive we know death is coming. But death is so very far away, far away over the hills and invisible. All of a sudden it appears. In some cases the hill it pops over is many miles away and death is still barely visible, we can still ignore it. But with Oo-tapo the hill death appeared over is the last hill and so very close. It can't be ignored at all now. He has cancer in his lungs and the fluid the cancer makes is filling up his lungs so he can't breath. But today I have a little hope - not that he will live long but that he can live a little while and we can have a chance to say goodbye properly. I have a vet appointment on Wednesday morning - maybe by then I'll know more what will be the right decision. I hate decisions and hate especially making decisions for other living beings. So there is a quietness and worry hanging over everything now. I'm just trying to trust I will know when the time is right and I will be able to get him to the vet when the time is right. I don't want him to suffer.
For today though he is resting. Moving around every now and then. Going here and there. After doing something he lays down to rest a while and he's going at his own pace. I bring him a bowl of milk mixed with moist food every few hours and he is willing to eat it. He's taking his meds every 12 hours without a fight. He got up on my table and I found him watching the bird feeder this morning. I'm making origami cranes for a project and he laid and watched me, purring, reaching out to touch them every once in a while with his paw.