wednesday thoughts
Thoughts.
My first (waking) thought this morning was that I am 56 - the same age my brother died. Anything I get now is more of a gift than he ever received. Most of my life has been more of a gift anyway. Having been given a body that moved well for 40 years is more than he got. Gratitude...
Has my life been enough? If it should end now will it have been enough?
Fears.
I fear I will lose my mind like mom. I fear my most creative years are over already and the dementia is already starting (they say you have changes in your brain 20 years before symptoms of real forgetfulness start to show). I say sometimes that I would kill myself before it got really bad - some kind of suicide. Or would I be like John and like mom and just accept what has been handed to me and make the best of it? Make it into opportunities for others to help me (I don't like accepting help - is that a lesson some chosen people are given to learn?) John and mom were given this lesson (this challenge). I don't WANT that challenge.
Another fear.
I fear my heart is not good, not strong enough and I will become weak and not be able to do all I do now. It beats too heavily and has to work too hard. But I guess that is part of aging anyway - becoming weaker. I should exercise and make it stronger...
Now - be done with thinking and fearing...
Be in the present moment.
Dave went to an all day in-service for folks who want to substitute teach in the Cranberry school district this year.
Chloe left with her boyfriend Dan to take her driving test this morning. She is scared she won't be able to parallel park. She has a hard time doing it "perfectly" (ending up 6" to 12" from the curb in one smooth try) but she does it well enough to get by in normal driving life (I think). She can get into the spot and then straighten it once she is there. I hope she passes the test.
Present moment.
Monitor screen in front of me. Typing. Thinking what to get out of my head onto this page. Listening to the music (Brandi Carlile, "The Story") in mom's room that is coming into this room from her baby monitor.
I am doing my daily writing here. Soon I will start my work of the day - either a new book or maybe jewelry work today - maybe I should do my etsy a day first.
Last night mom woke up at 2 am - tried to get out of bed and the alarm went off (a terrible siren sound that sends me flying out of my bed). This is rare anymore, her waking up in the night. She wanted to know what she should do? I said go to the potty and I helped her over there. Soon I helped her back to bed again and tucked her back in. She asked again, what should I do? I said go to sleep, close your eyes. As I was going out the door she said, "be careful". This was what she ALWAYS said to me back in the days when she had her mind and I was leaving. I haven't heard, "be careful" come from her lips for years - it used to be her standard way of saying goodbye to me. Seeing glimpses of my mother in this person who so often doesn't seem to be my mother anymore brings me to tears (an actual reminder of the loss we have experienced in losing mom to this disease).
update - Chloe's home - she passed the test - yay!!!
My first (waking) thought this morning was that I am 56 - the same age my brother died. Anything I get now is more of a gift than he ever received. Most of my life has been more of a gift anyway. Having been given a body that moved well for 40 years is more than he got. Gratitude...
Has my life been enough? If it should end now will it have been enough?
Fears.
I fear I will lose my mind like mom. I fear my most creative years are over already and the dementia is already starting (they say you have changes in your brain 20 years before symptoms of real forgetfulness start to show). I say sometimes that I would kill myself before it got really bad - some kind of suicide. Or would I be like John and like mom and just accept what has been handed to me and make the best of it? Make it into opportunities for others to help me (I don't like accepting help - is that a lesson some chosen people are given to learn?) John and mom were given this lesson (this challenge). I don't WANT that challenge.
Another fear.
I fear my heart is not good, not strong enough and I will become weak and not be able to do all I do now. It beats too heavily and has to work too hard. But I guess that is part of aging anyway - becoming weaker. I should exercise and make it stronger...
Now - be done with thinking and fearing...
Be in the present moment.
Dave went to an all day in-service for folks who want to substitute teach in the Cranberry school district this year.
Chloe left with her boyfriend Dan to take her driving test this morning. She is scared she won't be able to parallel park. She has a hard time doing it "perfectly" (ending up 6" to 12" from the curb in one smooth try) but she does it well enough to get by in normal driving life (I think). She can get into the spot and then straighten it once she is there. I hope she passes the test.
Present moment.
Monitor screen in front of me. Typing. Thinking what to get out of my head onto this page. Listening to the music (Brandi Carlile, "The Story") in mom's room that is coming into this room from her baby monitor.
I am doing my daily writing here. Soon I will start my work of the day - either a new book or maybe jewelry work today - maybe I should do my etsy a day first.
Last night mom woke up at 2 am - tried to get out of bed and the alarm went off (a terrible siren sound that sends me flying out of my bed). This is rare anymore, her waking up in the night. She wanted to know what she should do? I said go to the potty and I helped her over there. Soon I helped her back to bed again and tucked her back in. She asked again, what should I do? I said go to sleep, close your eyes. As I was going out the door she said, "be careful". This was what she ALWAYS said to me back in the days when she had her mind and I was leaving. I haven't heard, "be careful" come from her lips for years - it used to be her standard way of saying goodbye to me. Seeing glimpses of my mother in this person who so often doesn't seem to be my mother anymore brings me to tears (an actual reminder of the loss we have experienced in losing mom to this disease).
update - Chloe's home - she passed the test - yay!!!