back home from the an experience
(picture thanks to kyana who visited me yesterday - the nurse was trying to put in a new IV and failing)
I got home from the hospital today. I have been in there since Tuesday morning. I won't go into all the details and the story of how everything unfolded but I had an attack of acute pancreatitis, which I have never had before and hope to never have again. It was the most painful experience I have ever had in my whole life. I assume it happened because I was passing a gallstone (I found out I have many) so I am going to try and see about getting my gallbladder removed now - I never want to have something like this again. But in the meantime I need to watch what I eat (very low-fat, small meals). The cure for acute pancreatitis is to not eat or drink ANYthing, even water, stay on bedrest and IV fluids, till it heals, which may take from 3 to 5 or even 7 days. I was very lucky it only took me 3 days for the blood work to show my enzymes were settled down and the pain to leave. I was allowed clear liquids yesterday and food today so finally I could come home.
I feel like this should be a life changing experience for me somehow, all this pain and sickness needs to mean SOMEthing, teach me something about myself and my life.
Gall = something bitter to endure; bitterness of spirit; rancor. Too much gall in my life right now. Too much anger.
I want to experience so much, be so much, fulfill so much. I want to write, write poetry, paint, create, make art and jewelry. I want a family life, children, grandchildren, play the role of wise crone in my family. I want to be involved in carrying my elders to their graves. There is so much I want to learn about art and making of art. I want time to read for fun! I want to do it all perfectly. But my body is giving out, my time is giving out.
I am angry when things don't go my way and I lose my art time, my alone time. I know I want to do it ALL but I want to do certain things more than other things.
A few weeks ago I got this quote from listening to a Joseph Campbell film, "This is the energy of life engaged in the field of time. Where there is time there is inevitably birth and death. Where there is time there is inevitably sorrow, the loss of what is valued. When you have joyful participation in the sorrow, then everything changes".
Anyway I have to just give in and let go and participate in what there is, and participate in what I am losing too. Stop trying to control the flow, WANT so much. I have to let go of "perfection".
This morning I had the first dream I remember having while in the hospital, though I did sleep plenty. In the dream I was in the basement of Polk (the home for the mentally retarded where I used to work) and trying to find my way to my "job" but I didn't want to just walk across the grounds and go to the building I was supposed to report to. I wanted to go by way of the underground passageways. They were all whitewashed and lined with banner-like silky cloth maps billowing down so I rubbed against them as I went. I wasn't afraid at all though it crossed my mind that it was scary down there - I wanted to go this hidden way, this underground mysterious way. Now that I write the dream down it seems to have to do with the silk painting I want to do (the banner/maps - silky lining the passageways) but also nowadays in my dreams Polk has become my symbol for taking care of my mother since her mind is so bad. Underground usually means my deep self, my real self. So... back I go to trying to make it all fit and "get there"...
~
As I write, my mother is in her room taking a nap but she is talking in her sleep today. She asks, "Why?" in a long drawn out anguished voice. Then silence. In a while she says, "Everyday!" in an angry querulous voice. Silence. Then, "Why?" again. Over and over. I know from past experience that if I go in to check on her her eyes will be closed and she won't rouse to my voice. She is lost in and totally involved in those two words right now. So many times my mother subconsciously seems to voice the thing that is magically important for me to hear. I don't totally understand it but I understand the essence of it.