Don't Smile or God Will Smite Thee
"This is not a wedding 'ceremony'; this is a wedding 'worship.' So, if you're one to laugh or cut-up, or make jokes, this is not the place for you." Those were the wise words of my cousin Wendy's preacher. I wasn't planning on being bad in the ceremony or smiling in 'God's' house, but as soon as he said that, I had no other thought in my mind except, "I must rebel! I MUST REBEL!!! MUST LAUGH DURING CORINTHIANS READING!!!!" Unfortunately, there were not any scriptures read, so I didn't get to snort for the passage about always obeying your husband. Those Baptists are tricksters, I tell you what.
There was this blonde lady who I thought was the groom's mother, but it turns out she was the groom's mother's partner. I kind of figured that one out earlier, but I tried to confirm it with my cousin, Ann. She whispered, "I'll tell you later." "What? Is that his mom's girlfriend or something?" "I'll tell you LATER." "Oh...okay..." She told me when we were outside and I was like, "Oh, okay, so Wes's mom is a lesbian." My Aunt Connie freaked out when I said that and frantically shushed me. Apparently this is something we are not supposed to talk about. But I did it anyway.
The rehearsal dinner was fun. I wish that I had been given some notice about "roasting" the bride and groom because I could have come up with some decent jokes. The groom's father, Larry, was the MC. He has a comb-over and no sense of humor. Well, I mean, he has a sense of humor -- in his world. Here is one of his jokes:
"You know, Wes is the last male Mathews...so...you know, just keep that in mind." The look he gave Wendy was priceless. She better produce some boys. Larry also had this tendency to glare at his ex-wife and her partner. His current wife was cheerful looking, if your description of "cheerful looking" is someone sucking on a lemon covered in bear piss.
The mother and other stepmother, Andrea and Leslie, were my favorites. They drove us to our hair-appointments and church AND on the way to church, we had an intellectual discussion covering Revelation, gender-roles in the Bible, and much much more! Okay, so what? I'm a nerd. BUT I'm not a geek. The geeks were the first three groomsmen. I half expected them to have pocket-protectors and to whip out light-sabres. The other two groomsmen were pretty good looking. One was the matron of honor's husband, Timmy (I totally laughed at his name and thought he was five), and the other was Wendy's token gay friend, Jason.
The reception music was kick-ass, by the way. I mixed it myself. One of the groomsmen seemed to be "sweet on [me]." My mother informed me of this and gave me this look of, "Marry him now or ELSE." Um, no. NONONONONONONONONO. The next morning, when she was talking to Aunt Jean about this kid, she said, "He looks like he has a gentle heart. He needs a good strong woman." That last sentence was said while she GLARED at me.
I hate my cousin Wendy for getting married because my mother CANNOT get the thought of marriage out of her head. Every other sentence is, "When you and your sister get married..." At one point I said, "Mom -- and I mean this as no offense to you, Jill -- I don't think we're right for each other. That's incest."
That's it for now.
There was this blonde lady who I thought was the groom's mother, but it turns out she was the groom's mother's partner. I kind of figured that one out earlier, but I tried to confirm it with my cousin, Ann. She whispered, "I'll tell you later." "What? Is that his mom's girlfriend or something?" "I'll tell you LATER." "Oh...okay..." She told me when we were outside and I was like, "Oh, okay, so Wes's mom is a lesbian." My Aunt Connie freaked out when I said that and frantically shushed me. Apparently this is something we are not supposed to talk about. But I did it anyway.
The rehearsal dinner was fun. I wish that I had been given some notice about "roasting" the bride and groom because I could have come up with some decent jokes. The groom's father, Larry, was the MC. He has a comb-over and no sense of humor. Well, I mean, he has a sense of humor -- in his world. Here is one of his jokes:
"You know, Wes is the last male Mathews...so...you know, just keep that in mind." The look he gave Wendy was priceless. She better produce some boys. Larry also had this tendency to glare at his ex-wife and her partner. His current wife was cheerful looking, if your description of "cheerful looking" is someone sucking on a lemon covered in bear piss.
The mother and other stepmother, Andrea and Leslie, were my favorites. They drove us to our hair-appointments and church AND on the way to church, we had an intellectual discussion covering Revelation, gender-roles in the Bible, and much much more! Okay, so what? I'm a nerd. BUT I'm not a geek. The geeks were the first three groomsmen. I half expected them to have pocket-protectors and to whip out light-sabres. The other two groomsmen were pretty good looking. One was the matron of honor's husband, Timmy (I totally laughed at his name and thought he was five), and the other was Wendy's token gay friend, Jason.
The reception music was kick-ass, by the way. I mixed it myself. One of the groomsmen seemed to be "sweet on [me]." My mother informed me of this and gave me this look of, "Marry him now or ELSE." Um, no. NONONONONONONONONO. The next morning, when she was talking to Aunt Jean about this kid, she said, "He looks like he has a gentle heart. He needs a good strong woman." That last sentence was said while she GLARED at me.
I hate my cousin Wendy for getting married because my mother CANNOT get the thought of marriage out of her head. Every other sentence is, "When you and your sister get married..." At one point I said, "Mom -- and I mean this as no offense to you, Jill -- I don't think we're right for each other. That's incest."
That's it for now.