a well worn worry stone

[effigyp23]

the three year anniversary of my last intestinal infection that landed me in the hospital for the second time brought an exceptional present just for me this year, another hospital stay. same problem, and again i'm way too young to be having these problems. talk about removing part of my intestines surgically. can't help but think about how complicated life is, and how fruitless it may be to attempt understanding. misery seems unavoidable in the end, with or without trying. too many obstacles, too many seconds ticking by, too many missed opportunities. i think of the dead and how they must be disappointed. i think of how the biggest thing i ever do in my entire future will mean entirely nothing a mere few years later, and that's if i'm lucky. some die in absolute failure to change anything. a drop in the bucket would be a dream. conflicted with medications which save my life, but go against my moral medical beliefs related to darwinism and this universe we live in which doesn't medicate or need medication. wonder what this life would be like without the idea or need of "fixing". wonder why periods come before quotes at the end of a sentence, if a period is meant to contain a thought. seems like it should make sense to me, i know it should, but it doesn't. and i can't help but wonder, is it the world that's wrong, or is it me, and whatever can i possibly do about any of it? somehow i feel that the world would be easier to comprehend if transformers were real. i need magic, i need mayhem, and i need the promise of the possibility of change, and every day all i see are reminders of everything stopping me from taking another step, and how hard it's going to be to figure out where to put my foot.

i wish i had it in me to give in to giving up.

i need to call robin, because in latin jehovah begins with an i and i believe i've lost my footing.