still not dead yet
once upon a time i was overwhelmed. senior year of high school, public speaking class. i froze up, fell to the floor with an ashamed and tear stained face. i dealt with it by not going back for the rest of the semester, unable to face any of them. and they let me get away with it. i've been overwhelmed a lot since then. not getting into unh, lizzy moving 3,000 miles away, sal's friend being kidnapped and shot in the head by her own father. then college. first semester, someone dies. next semester, grandmother dies and i black out for months. next semester, still blacking out- find out i've been dating someone for months while blacked out. friends graduate, and never call, never message, never come back or hang out. grandfather dies, the exact day and time i knew he would, and i can't help but wonder if thinking it made it happen.
i've been overwhelmed a lot, but this summer, "overwhelmed" has become a way of live, a state of being, a constant. i'd be lucky to catch a glimpse of my old free-spirited self once for even just a few minutes in an entire week. and why? because global warming might cause the ross ice shelf to break off and submerge, raising the ocean levels and causing tsunami's across the world, submerging land, submerging life, and with it, all the chemicals we've pumped into and onto every hard surface that we never expected to be covered with water. pollutants go everywhere. suddenly nestle needs to do more than run tap water through a brita to sell it for $2. i'm worried that mcdonalds had to have a corporate meeting of all the ceo's in order to discuss the possibility of changing the coffee cups they use, costing hundreds of thousands of dollars which came from advertising, and therefore your cable bill. i'm worried that monetary value was created from a sense of fairness, an equal trade, a horse for two cows and a chicken, but now money isn't fair and nobody wants it to be for anyone but themselves, and every businessman who isn't wearing old navy is self-promoting the worth of their needless and useless crap for what they always seem to consider a "reasonable" amount of your lack of integrity. blood sweat and tears mean nothing today, they can't pay your rent and they certainly won't gain you any respect. and even if they did, what the hell would you do with a thing like respect in this culture? i'm worried that starbucks won't give their extra food away because they're afraid of being sued by a homeless guy who chokes on a pastry. i'm worried about the other people out there worrying, paying attention and pointing out the ridiculousness of a cautionary "hot" warning on coffee, but not wanting to/thinking they can do anything to stop this madness. i'm worried that democracy and capitalism can't work simultaneously or independently, and every man woman and child we've killed in their co-names died in vain.
more tomorrow.
p.s. i'm nocturnal again, apparently it's an every other season kind of thing.
i've been overwhelmed a lot, but this summer, "overwhelmed" has become a way of live, a state of being, a constant. i'd be lucky to catch a glimpse of my old free-spirited self once for even just a few minutes in an entire week. and why? because global warming might cause the ross ice shelf to break off and submerge, raising the ocean levels and causing tsunami's across the world, submerging land, submerging life, and with it, all the chemicals we've pumped into and onto every hard surface that we never expected to be covered with water. pollutants go everywhere. suddenly nestle needs to do more than run tap water through a brita to sell it for $2. i'm worried that mcdonalds had to have a corporate meeting of all the ceo's in order to discuss the possibility of changing the coffee cups they use, costing hundreds of thousands of dollars which came from advertising, and therefore your cable bill. i'm worried that monetary value was created from a sense of fairness, an equal trade, a horse for two cows and a chicken, but now money isn't fair and nobody wants it to be for anyone but themselves, and every businessman who isn't wearing old navy is self-promoting the worth of their needless and useless crap for what they always seem to consider a "reasonable" amount of your lack of integrity. blood sweat and tears mean nothing today, they can't pay your rent and they certainly won't gain you any respect. and even if they did, what the hell would you do with a thing like respect in this culture? i'm worried that starbucks won't give their extra food away because they're afraid of being sued by a homeless guy who chokes on a pastry. i'm worried about the other people out there worrying, paying attention and pointing out the ridiculousness of a cautionary "hot" warning on coffee, but not wanting to/thinking they can do anything to stop this madness. i'm worried that democracy and capitalism can't work simultaneously or independently, and every man woman and child we've killed in their co-names died in vain.
more tomorrow.
p.s. i'm nocturnal again, apparently it's an every other season kind of thing.