weirdness
On Tues nite when Rohan came back we went out to dinner and then made out at the castle then Rohan asked if he could spent the nite at my place. It was 2 when we got to my mums, katherine(my cousin) was asleep. So we made out a bit more (im a bit vocal tho if Kath heard anything she hasnt said anything) then we slept but i was so sore , my hips and i just couldnt relax, and at one point i was playing with R and hes like "i wanna get some sleep and it wont happen if you do that" heeh then we woke and had brekkie (cos my tummy kept growling at Rohan anytime he tried anything) then we watched mallrats and had a shower together. You should have seen Rohans face when i suggested it(shocked?) im such a slut. hahaah. It was the nicest shower ive ever had. Rohan was washing me and when i looked up he had washed all the gel out of his hair and it was all spiky and he looked sooo nice with all the water cascading down him.. sigh...
then he had to go home to goo to a work meeting then 2 hours later we went to ceroc. The funny thing is during those 2 hours apart i walked around in a daze . i didnt know what was up or down, i knew i had to eat so i had macccas, changed my outfit, feed the cats, washed the dishes, headed to civic to pick up rohan then go to janes to pick her up then back to narrabundah for ceroc, ceroc was good, this guy kept dancing with me and i missed one of the signals for a move and hes like "arent u an intermediate?" and im like ive had one lesson ahahaha...im trying to learn the guys moves so if Rohan forgets i can remember but sometimes i end up leading the guy which is bad.
I danced with Andre. hes really good . he does lotsa spins and made ME very dizzy but i laughed the whole time i was dancing, everytime i glanced at the people around us they were looking sad?scared at the cackling witch that was me. hehehe. i practised with Rohan and i did this cool move where i have my back to R and i tilt my head back and rohan kisses me, very spiderman, sorta.
Then we had a beer later and i got tipsy . rohan and jane kept pushing me back and forth with their index fingers. bleh!
Jane had said that when i showed her the poem i gave to Rohan that that had inspired her to write her own, tho what she showed me i didnt think was too crash hot, tho they all rhymed and everyone agrees that rhying is better and mine dont rhyme(and i know what you and i think of rhyming) but i wonder what rohan thought of them and i become jealous and then i worry that im becoming this jealous freak! and i hate it! i wish to cut out this insecure green part of me, bombard it with insults, maybe confuse it with wheatgrass shots.
I hate it. then i dropped rohan off. I had said "you look tired" and hes like " thats because i am tired" in a narky way, i had had my hand on his cheek but i quickly withdrew it , feeling stung. then he kissed me rather shabbily and felt angry, so i stopped kissing him and just looked at the ground , then said goodbye 'have a good tomorrow' stupid small talk. and then today . depression. i keep thinking im preggies cos my period didnt come today....cos now we cant "do it" on valentines and that fated piece of info makes me depressed, do the gods even think it wont work? and then it hurts so much i wonder if just not feeling anything wouldnt be better. this morning i didnt wanna wake up, i hate reality without him and i hate myself for acting this way, acting like jason.. I keep bringing jason up. he angers me the way hes got everyone wrapped around his little 'poor me' finger. everyone excuses his bad behaviour and now im starting to rebel everyone looks at me as tho im the biggest bitch. even roban. sob. and then i think i am a bitch. rohan probally would be better off with jane. i should be alone. and i know once again this is depression and i berate myself once agaqin. Black eyes stare everywhere. i hate couples, then i love couples. im moody and i hate it. im not used to it. when youre on your own theres less responsibilty. and youre able to control your feelings. when there are people involved, well me, anyway, your feelings get hurt at the drop of a hat, its a constant minefield. My car rego runs out soon . dont have the money for it, its gonna be an interesting experience. not been able to go anywhere. or be able to taxi people, i wonder if rohan will break up with me. h ehehe. sigh
confusing
random shapes shatter and burst
lava foams and froths over
turn my words into your next pile of crap
take and hammer them into square peg holes
if they dont fit ram them into the next service station
fill them up at the pump and see if they run on a broken ankle
move me around, bounce me from one weakness to the next
pull and grab at my clothing leaving me with tatters
tangle my hair in the frayed edges
lunge for my throat but aim for my heart
take all you need even if it includes the air surrounding me
lick it all up then spit
im on the side of the sidewalk
next days oddity for the sparrows to eye off
the ants are everywhere
but they dont touch me
they only wish to make crazy patterns next to my discarded face
later on i bit the bullet and sent rohan a txt saying "*hug*" then i got back ":-D *gentle kiss* "
i felt better for a second then felt stupid. had a shower but it didnt cheer me up. i miss everything and nothing. sigh. i hope i feel better in the morning. school starts on the 19th, michelle told me today and that greg isnt allocating spots so first in first dressed, i find this weird , dont you? i just realised that if im making horses this year, ill be standing on the desk for most of the year, how very michalego of me . ahahhahaha. crazy art students.
then he had to go home to goo to a work meeting then 2 hours later we went to ceroc. The funny thing is during those 2 hours apart i walked around in a daze . i didnt know what was up or down, i knew i had to eat so i had macccas, changed my outfit, feed the cats, washed the dishes, headed to civic to pick up rohan then go to janes to pick her up then back to narrabundah for ceroc, ceroc was good, this guy kept dancing with me and i missed one of the signals for a move and hes like "arent u an intermediate?" and im like ive had one lesson ahahaha...im trying to learn the guys moves so if Rohan forgets i can remember but sometimes i end up leading the guy which is bad.
I danced with Andre. hes really good . he does lotsa spins and made ME very dizzy but i laughed the whole time i was dancing, everytime i glanced at the people around us they were looking sad?scared at the cackling witch that was me. hehehe. i practised with Rohan and i did this cool move where i have my back to R and i tilt my head back and rohan kisses me, very spiderman, sorta.
Then we had a beer later and i got tipsy . rohan and jane kept pushing me back and forth with their index fingers. bleh!
Jane had said that when i showed her the poem i gave to Rohan that that had inspired her to write her own, tho what she showed me i didnt think was too crash hot, tho they all rhymed and everyone agrees that rhying is better and mine dont rhyme(and i know what you and i think of rhyming) but i wonder what rohan thought of them and i become jealous and then i worry that im becoming this jealous freak! and i hate it! i wish to cut out this insecure green part of me, bombard it with insults, maybe confuse it with wheatgrass shots.
I hate it. then i dropped rohan off. I had said "you look tired" and hes like " thats because i am tired" in a narky way, i had had my hand on his cheek but i quickly withdrew it , feeling stung. then he kissed me rather shabbily and felt angry, so i stopped kissing him and just looked at the ground , then said goodbye 'have a good tomorrow' stupid small talk. and then today . depression. i keep thinking im preggies cos my period didnt come today....cos now we cant "do it" on valentines and that fated piece of info makes me depressed, do the gods even think it wont work? and then it hurts so much i wonder if just not feeling anything wouldnt be better. this morning i didnt wanna wake up, i hate reality without him and i hate myself for acting this way, acting like jason.. I keep bringing jason up. he angers me the way hes got everyone wrapped around his little 'poor me' finger. everyone excuses his bad behaviour and now im starting to rebel everyone looks at me as tho im the biggest bitch. even roban. sob. and then i think i am a bitch. rohan probally would be better off with jane. i should be alone. and i know once again this is depression and i berate myself once agaqin. Black eyes stare everywhere. i hate couples, then i love couples. im moody and i hate it. im not used to it. when youre on your own theres less responsibilty. and youre able to control your feelings. when there are people involved, well me, anyway, your feelings get hurt at the drop of a hat, its a constant minefield. My car rego runs out soon . dont have the money for it, its gonna be an interesting experience. not been able to go anywhere. or be able to taxi people, i wonder if rohan will break up with me. h ehehe. sigh
confusing
random shapes shatter and burst
lava foams and froths over
turn my words into your next pile of crap
take and hammer them into square peg holes
if they dont fit ram them into the next service station
fill them up at the pump and see if they run on a broken ankle
move me around, bounce me from one weakness to the next
pull and grab at my clothing leaving me with tatters
tangle my hair in the frayed edges
lunge for my throat but aim for my heart
take all you need even if it includes the air surrounding me
lick it all up then spit
im on the side of the sidewalk
next days oddity for the sparrows to eye off
the ants are everywhere
but they dont touch me
they only wish to make crazy patterns next to my discarded face
later on i bit the bullet and sent rohan a txt saying "*hug*" then i got back ":-D *gentle kiss* "
i felt better for a second then felt stupid. had a shower but it didnt cheer me up. i miss everything and nothing. sigh. i hope i feel better in the morning. school starts on the 19th, michelle told me today and that greg isnt allocating spots so first in first dressed, i find this weird , dont you? i just realised that if im making horses this year, ill be standing on the desk for most of the year, how very michalego of me . ahahhahaha. crazy art students.