ok reality
i need to be real and i need to get this off my chest. Do i still love jason? i guess so, but more as a brother? sometimes i wonder. Last time i saw him he had a bottle pressed between his thighs and i told him that it looked bad, he laughed then patted my nose with his finger, i drew back as though he had stung me and i gave him a furious glare, jason dropped back and i felt odd. But seriously i do not like jason (sort of flirting) with me when he has a girlfriend who has had arguements with him cos of his flirting. I feel responsible for Ally in a way, i feel i left her all alone with jason and i didnt advise her what he was like. But why should i feel responsible? And now Rohan shows up all the badness. At the coast i was trying to figure out the energy vs matter theory. And will was just stareing at me like i was speaking gibberish. Then Rohan just answered me and gave me an answer, then i understood and will looked lost and bewildered like "erica said something that made sense and Rohan understood her" like he was totally shocked.
And that pisses me off! To realise that i am not dumb, not ugly, not unco for so long. 2 years! 2 fucking years! I am mad! Mad at me , mad at them, mad at others for not noticing(cept for u, but then im mad again for not believing you!) And then im left with Rohan who leaves me always with a tear in my eye and a fire in my belly, forever comforted by this knowledge.
He listens to me, he listens to others, but he not only listens, he analyses what im about to say then finishes my sentences! why do i find that amazing? because my whole life i never felt listened to. I wanted to be ASORBED! my mother used to let me ramble on about my day in the car for hours and still it was never enough... You and Thomas surprised me too, you would listen and never judge what i would say, you would comfort me, made me realise what true friends do, and i thankyou, thankyou for been you! im just glad i found you! and now Rohan, i feel i have had too much, if the gods find out they'll be angry and take some away.
i hold my breath waiting for the axe to fall, but day after day i am rewarded with more and i dont understand it! I truely think i dont deserve it and that frightens me. Why do i think so little of myself, with everything ive been thru and suffered, why cant i enjoy my reward. is this a reward or just randomness? My faith in God has taken a beating from this joy. Which seems absurd but there it is. I only seem to delight in God when things go wrong, how can that be? its like god holds my hand when im low, but when im happy i want to soar, let go of gods hand and soar, lovely and dangerous, being free.
Rohan was at mon group and he was so smart and witty and i felt i had a place in the conversation(even tho what i said was kinda incorherant) but i was comfortable and i felt will and jason back off, leave me alone, no more teasing , Rohan has lifted me up and set them apart from them.. is that a bad thing? I see this year streched out before me and i sigh. I could never have imagined this.... and then im afraid..is god setting up all this bliss for a fall further down the road..will my grandma die this year? i need to see her soon.. will my father lose it when she goes? clair leaves for England in March..will she ever come back..i need to fix things with her somehow....oh i wish this ache in my heart would go away... everything i wanted i have received. i feel full. Anymore and i shall burst.
And that pisses me off! To realise that i am not dumb, not ugly, not unco for so long. 2 years! 2 fucking years! I am mad! Mad at me , mad at them, mad at others for not noticing(cept for u, but then im mad again for not believing you!) And then im left with Rohan who leaves me always with a tear in my eye and a fire in my belly, forever comforted by this knowledge.
He listens to me, he listens to others, but he not only listens, he analyses what im about to say then finishes my sentences! why do i find that amazing? because my whole life i never felt listened to. I wanted to be ASORBED! my mother used to let me ramble on about my day in the car for hours and still it was never enough... You and Thomas surprised me too, you would listen and never judge what i would say, you would comfort me, made me realise what true friends do, and i thankyou, thankyou for been you! im just glad i found you! and now Rohan, i feel i have had too much, if the gods find out they'll be angry and take some away.
i hold my breath waiting for the axe to fall, but day after day i am rewarded with more and i dont understand it! I truely think i dont deserve it and that frightens me. Why do i think so little of myself, with everything ive been thru and suffered, why cant i enjoy my reward. is this a reward or just randomness? My faith in God has taken a beating from this joy. Which seems absurd but there it is. I only seem to delight in God when things go wrong, how can that be? its like god holds my hand when im low, but when im happy i want to soar, let go of gods hand and soar, lovely and dangerous, being free.
Rohan was at mon group and he was so smart and witty and i felt i had a place in the conversation(even tho what i said was kinda incorherant) but i was comfortable and i felt will and jason back off, leave me alone, no more teasing , Rohan has lifted me up and set them apart from them.. is that a bad thing? I see this year streched out before me and i sigh. I could never have imagined this.... and then im afraid..is god setting up all this bliss for a fall further down the road..will my grandma die this year? i need to see her soon.. will my father lose it when she goes? clair leaves for England in March..will she ever come back..i need to fix things with her somehow....oh i wish this ache in my heart would go away... everything i wanted i have received. i feel full. Anymore and i shall burst.