(no subject)
let's give this thing a kick - see it we can get it into gear?
testing testing
does the old journal still work?
okay okay...so ive decided to rekindle an old relationship. writing stuff down always puts it into perspective for me anyways. On with the new - this is not my old journal.
Its been 2 years, 2 months, and a handful of days since i last posted something in here. and i miss the company of my best friends saving me from myself, one comment at a time.
a lot has changed...and i don't really want to get into details. but lets just say some of my problems from then are still my problems now. I've got to learn to kill the urge to leave at the fist sign of trouble. To see a broader picture than the emotions that surround me at a particular moment.
i read a quote from a book about how certain personality types get overwhelmed with emotion to a point where they lose cognitive function. I don't think I'm that bad...but i certainly can recognize some part of that tendency in me. being rational has never been my forte...but i should at least have some control. as my mom always said - they were constantly trying to pull my head out of the clouds...still trying.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO to update anyone who may still read this
I'm taking coy howards studio. an architectural theory course. humanities 1. and design documents. as well as history of western civilization 2 at LACC. I'm also hoping to work on an exhibit for an instructor here named rob ley.
Its been most of 2 years since i moved to la. i moved up here...when...July of 2006? no...that's when i came up here for making and meaning. then i went to occ one more year. that was a great year. I came back from sciarc so excited and inspired that it carried me through until i could come back. that summer i got high for the first time. got to sleep in my own apartment and learn to take care of myself. get used to doing the mundane shit i never want to spend time on. [bills, ugg] It was easy though..i was only up there for 6 weeks. i met all new people and felt pretty great about what i accomplished up here. i still think that is the best studio i have completed here. maybe that's a bad sign...but really i think its about me being open to learning and discovering something new. I always do best in those situations. all this time i was with barrett. our strongest bit was from after making and meaning (at which point, youll remember, he still wouldnt sleep with me...) until i transfered up permanently, which basically killed us.
I think the starkest difference between me then and now were the people i was surrounded with. I had such a strong group of friends between people from OCC and friends from high school and silkys, etc. that could always keep me going and talk sense into me when i had doubts about my relationship. when back at occ...the group started coming together and hanging out regularly. Abo, Ashley, Jose, Joey, chris...really everyone in 230 became so close and supportive of each other. It was probably the closest and most consistent group of friends I've had since high school. They helped me all through months of tour dates...that took barrett from me from febuary until april that year. at the time it seemed like such a terrible and dramatic series of events...but i had people with me who could bring me back down to reality and help me see the big picture.
i always forget the big picture.
i don't feel like since I've come to sciarc that ive been able to find those close personal relationships with anyone. I have friends here, sure. but people at sciarc are always a little political. When things started going downhill with barrett...i let myself give up. I lost the big picture. and today, i'm happy about that. I was not supposed to end up with barrett. I know that. but he was a perfect first love. and i handled the whole situation rather callously. letting him thing he did so much wrong when i really just had changed.
and the one person who was there to help me through it is still here. still trying to talk sense into me as i do the same thing to him. I'm pushing away something i love again. I'm struggling for a freedom i don't even want. and why? boredom? no. fear of commitment? i think not. I think Travis explained it perfectly last night. It's always a binge/purge with us. We binge hang out with each other. This whole last month we have spent almost all of our time together. He would ask me to go in to work with him. And why not? And we went on a road trip. Yosemite to big sur and down the coast home. Well we spend all this time together and then we end up with moments like this weekend. A "hangover" that hurts us both. Even though we want the same thing.
Space.
I have a harder time with that since i have basically lived in his apartment since this time last year. I never meant for it to, but it feels like home. I got swept into this peaceful and beautiful thing after breaking up with barrett. It was so easy to escape to this escher inspired tree house and just play and talk and sleep like a baby. Before I knew it I was never at my own apartment. I made a ton of new friends and LA began to feel like home. All these friends were Travis' friends i guess. Or at least more connected to him than me. I hate being labeled as the girlfriend. It is like a second cousin. they arent really your cousin...but your cousins cousin. degrees of separation...maybe im just dramatic.
It never really mattered before. We were always together and I liked them. But if space is what we need, I don't have the support base in LA to make the space fun. In 3A i could just throw myself into studio. I think ill end up doing that now too. I love spending time in my room sewing or making something...but when night rolls around i usually just feel alone. Maybe a few late nights at school will do me well.
Travis and Peter are the only ones I've been able to really connect with. And they both live at Travis'. So this cycle continues and i suppress my need to be away so that i feel less alone. sweep it under the rug because when me and Travis are happy, its us against the world and that's my favorite feeling. I don't even feel like its specifically time apart that we need, even though i know it will be good for us. I just need to do some things that interest me sometimes. Honestly it would be nice if he showed interest in doing that instead of just being apart. He just WILL NOT compromise. He states it as his righteous duty to not do what i want, but what makes him happy. "priorities" he calls it. there isn't really room for compromise when you are dealing with someone so determined not to let you have a real effect on them. And its hardly like i want to change him. I LOVE HIM. LOVE. The way he is. I just hate feeling like he doesn't even notice or care how I'm feeling. It all stems from the same problem - we are always together - so he decides that he's going to do whatever he wants regardless of what I'm doing. and then i get upset because i feel like we are at a point in our relationship where all the novelty runs out and we are just...normal. I'll never except normal. If my life isn't going to be exciting and interesting...if I'm going to be forgotten about and rolled over and not even considered simply because I'm "always there"...then i guess I'll end up somewhere else.
and then we binge again.
at least we know there is a pattern. I don't think I'm very happy right now. someone asked me that yesterday. i felt like guy montag. hesitating. that question burrows into your soul and doesnt leave until you have the courage to scare it away. It can eat you alive and leave you questioning everything. It leaves you doubtful and pessimistic. until you [I] remember...
the big picture.
ta-da. maybe i should re-read Fahrenheit 451. It wont give me the answers I'm looking for, but at least it will distract me from them.
okay that's more than enough for now. I'm posting this as public. fate be my guide. ;)
see me start getting negative again? i just feel like this all get's put on me. and all this time as I'm writing I'm just thinking to myself...do i have the balls to post this as public?
okay short and incomplete synopsis...but i had to get some of that stuff out.
testing testing
does the old journal still work?
okay okay...so ive decided to rekindle an old relationship. writing stuff down always puts it into perspective for me anyways. On with the new - this is not my old journal.
Its been 2 years, 2 months, and a handful of days since i last posted something in here. and i miss the company of my best friends saving me from myself, one comment at a time.
a lot has changed...and i don't really want to get into details. but lets just say some of my problems from then are still my problems now. I've got to learn to kill the urge to leave at the fist sign of trouble. To see a broader picture than the emotions that surround me at a particular moment.
i read a quote from a book about how certain personality types get overwhelmed with emotion to a point where they lose cognitive function. I don't think I'm that bad...but i certainly can recognize some part of that tendency in me. being rational has never been my forte...but i should at least have some control. as my mom always said - they were constantly trying to pull my head out of the clouds...still trying.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO to update anyone who may still read this
I'm taking coy howards studio. an architectural theory course. humanities 1. and design documents. as well as history of western civilization 2 at LACC. I'm also hoping to work on an exhibit for an instructor here named rob ley.
Its been most of 2 years since i moved to la. i moved up here...when...July of 2006? no...that's when i came up here for making and meaning. then i went to occ one more year. that was a great year. I came back from sciarc so excited and inspired that it carried me through until i could come back. that summer i got high for the first time. got to sleep in my own apartment and learn to take care of myself. get used to doing the mundane shit i never want to spend time on. [bills, ugg] It was easy though..i was only up there for 6 weeks. i met all new people and felt pretty great about what i accomplished up here. i still think that is the best studio i have completed here. maybe that's a bad sign...but really i think its about me being open to learning and discovering something new. I always do best in those situations. all this time i was with barrett. our strongest bit was from after making and meaning (at which point, youll remember, he still wouldnt sleep with me...) until i transfered up permanently, which basically killed us.
I think the starkest difference between me then and now were the people i was surrounded with. I had such a strong group of friends between people from OCC and friends from high school and silkys, etc. that could always keep me going and talk sense into me when i had doubts about my relationship. when back at occ...the group started coming together and hanging out regularly. Abo, Ashley, Jose, Joey, chris...really everyone in 230 became so close and supportive of each other. It was probably the closest and most consistent group of friends I've had since high school. They helped me all through months of tour dates...that took barrett from me from febuary until april that year. at the time it seemed like such a terrible and dramatic series of events...but i had people with me who could bring me back down to reality and help me see the big picture.
i always forget the big picture.
i don't feel like since I've come to sciarc that ive been able to find those close personal relationships with anyone. I have friends here, sure. but people at sciarc are always a little political. When things started going downhill with barrett...i let myself give up. I lost the big picture. and today, i'm happy about that. I was not supposed to end up with barrett. I know that. but he was a perfect first love. and i handled the whole situation rather callously. letting him thing he did so much wrong when i really just had changed.
and the one person who was there to help me through it is still here. still trying to talk sense into me as i do the same thing to him. I'm pushing away something i love again. I'm struggling for a freedom i don't even want. and why? boredom? no. fear of commitment? i think not. I think Travis explained it perfectly last night. It's always a binge/purge with us. We binge hang out with each other. This whole last month we have spent almost all of our time together. He would ask me to go in to work with him. And why not? And we went on a road trip. Yosemite to big sur and down the coast home. Well we spend all this time together and then we end up with moments like this weekend. A "hangover" that hurts us both. Even though we want the same thing.
Space.
I have a harder time with that since i have basically lived in his apartment since this time last year. I never meant for it to, but it feels like home. I got swept into this peaceful and beautiful thing after breaking up with barrett. It was so easy to escape to this escher inspired tree house and just play and talk and sleep like a baby. Before I knew it I was never at my own apartment. I made a ton of new friends and LA began to feel like home. All these friends were Travis' friends i guess. Or at least more connected to him than me. I hate being labeled as the girlfriend. It is like a second cousin. they arent really your cousin...but your cousins cousin. degrees of separation...maybe im just dramatic.
It never really mattered before. We were always together and I liked them. But if space is what we need, I don't have the support base in LA to make the space fun. In 3A i could just throw myself into studio. I think ill end up doing that now too. I love spending time in my room sewing or making something...but when night rolls around i usually just feel alone. Maybe a few late nights at school will do me well.
Travis and Peter are the only ones I've been able to really connect with. And they both live at Travis'. So this cycle continues and i suppress my need to be away so that i feel less alone. sweep it under the rug because when me and Travis are happy, its us against the world and that's my favorite feeling. I don't even feel like its specifically time apart that we need, even though i know it will be good for us. I just need to do some things that interest me sometimes. Honestly it would be nice if he showed interest in doing that instead of just being apart. He just WILL NOT compromise. He states it as his righteous duty to not do what i want, but what makes him happy. "priorities" he calls it. there isn't really room for compromise when you are dealing with someone so determined not to let you have a real effect on them. And its hardly like i want to change him. I LOVE HIM. LOVE. The way he is. I just hate feeling like he doesn't even notice or care how I'm feeling. It all stems from the same problem - we are always together - so he decides that he's going to do whatever he wants regardless of what I'm doing. and then i get upset because i feel like we are at a point in our relationship where all the novelty runs out and we are just...normal. I'll never except normal. If my life isn't going to be exciting and interesting...if I'm going to be forgotten about and rolled over and not even considered simply because I'm "always there"...then i guess I'll end up somewhere else.
and then we binge again.
at least we know there is a pattern. I don't think I'm very happy right now. someone asked me that yesterday. i felt like guy montag. hesitating. that question burrows into your soul and doesnt leave until you have the courage to scare it away. It can eat you alive and leave you questioning everything. It leaves you doubtful and pessimistic. until you [I] remember...
the big picture.
ta-da. maybe i should re-read Fahrenheit 451. It wont give me the answers I'm looking for, but at least it will distract me from them.
okay that's more than enough for now. I'm posting this as public. fate be my guide. ;)
see me start getting negative again? i just feel like this all get's put on me. and all this time as I'm writing I'm just thinking to myself...do i have the balls to post this as public?
okay short and incomplete synopsis...but i had to get some of that stuff out.