Yeah she's so tough, why don't you rip her to shreds?
The food that I'm eating is suddenly tasteless. I know I'm alone now. I know what it tastes like. So break me to small parts. Let go in small doses...You're talking to her now. You've eaten something minty and you're making that face that I like and you're going in for the kill kill. For the killer kiss kiss for the kiss kiss...I need your love.
I went out on Tuesday and got really drunk and depressed. It was stupid. Me, Charley, Alex, Cate and Steph were standing outside Euro food and wine (in Camden) drinking our cheap Carling, yummm, when I thought I could see John walking down the road towards Barfly. I tried to tell myself it wasn't him but no one else is that tall and has the same hair. It was weird because I had just been talking about him and then there he was. He didn't see me because he was busy signing people up to mailing lists so I could just watch him for a while. Then I noticed he was with a girl. It was easy to pretend his girlfriend didn't exist when I never saw her but you can't avoid concrete evidence. As we walked down to the Barfly entrance we walked past him and he said hi and "wow, I see you every week now", even though we only met last week. Then I signed up to the mailing list for him and went inside. We spent most of the evening sitting in the bar area and I had already had three cans of beer, then Charley bought me a pint of snakebite and I'm a lightweight as it is so by then I was gone. I spent most of the night watching him walking around the bar. At one point I notcied his girlfriend was alone so I figured he must be in the toilet. Luckily just at that moment Cate announced she needed the loo so I said would go with her. Once we got downstairs I waited outside because I knew he would come out and he did. It was strange. I had a drunk, surreal feeling and he was standing on the stairs leaning over the banister and I was standing in the floor space the stairs curve around and he was talking to me and staring at me with his beautiful eyes and it felt like the world had fallen away from my feet. I was holding on to the cigarette machine so tight to stop myself hitting the ground. I'm broken, don't break me when I hit the ground. We had a short conversation about nothing in particular and I found it so hard because all the time I just wanted to tell him how much I liked him. Then he looked at me really oddly and told me to take care, but he said it like he meant it. Then he went off up the stairs. I think it's then the real depression kicked in. Or maybe when we went upstairs and Ashley said to me that she didn't mean to upset me but John was in the corner kissing his girlfriend. The worst thing is, I have no reason to like him. I don't even know him. I swear to God I like hurting myself otherwise I wouldn't do this.
Wednesday was ok. It was Hannah's 'party in the park' in the afternoon so I went along. It was boring. Everyone stayed in groups and didn't bother to talk to anyone else. I felt bad for Hannah but she seemed happy so maybe she didn't notice that people didn't enjoy it. Afterwards I went to Jude's mum's to help her babysit Oriana and Joseph, who is the most gorgeous baby I have ever seen. We made ourselves a nutritious dinner of veggie burgers and oven chips. Then we had a really nice chat. Jude's a very secretive person...actually no, secretive has negative connotations, she's just very private and doesn't talk honestly about her feelings to anyone. She really opened up last night and it was good because it made me feel really close to her. I love Jude, we've been firm friends for two years now and she's always there for me but sometimes it does feel like there's a barrier and it fell away last night. Then I went home and she called me and we had a funny conversation. It's so weird how we talk. Once I spent two hours on the phone to her when I was going to her house straight-after anyway. Then I started texting Person X and he decided to tell me he was in love with me straight after telling me about how he kissed some girl the night before and I just felt 'yeah right'. The he said he wasn't going to go out with her because he would never go out with an ugly person. 1) He is the ugliest person ever 2) He actually thinks he isn't 3) I hate arrogance and shallow people above all else. Then we had a massive fight and I went to sleep in a really bad mood. He apologised a lot though which made it better.
Today I woke up and made some lemon meringue cakes. It was going well until the meringue collapssed. They tasted ok though. Then I went to Hanna's for lunch and she made sandwiches. We watched The Secret garden, which I haven't seen in years, and it really cheered me up. Then we watched Newlyweds and Daria and it was fun. Afterwards I went home and did loads of household chores because my mum hates me after I came home drunk on Tuesday. I also told her all about my broken-heart and even cried and moaned about some other things. It was very embarrassing, I never talk to her. She has no right to know about my life.
I don't feel so depressed anymore. Just an underlying sense of unhappiness that will take a while to go away.