Can't say I blame you one bit when you kept it all inside. When you left that night.
I am such a fuck-up I may die.
I feel like I should put my week in chronological order so I’ll start with Greece. Went really early on Saturday morning, spent Friday with Aaron, and it was very hard to leave him. But he woke up early on Saturday so I could text him before I left then he called me just before the plane took off to tell me he loved me and to have a good time.
Got to Greece and he called me again and it was annoying because it cost me money too and I only had 25p so it was a short call. He said he had to phone because he missed me so much. That time I did cry because the phone call just cut out.
Greece was a bit shit. The food was horrible a lot of the time (they tried to give the vegetarians a plate of peas AS A MAIN FUCKING COURSE), the people me and Jude hang around with normally were being complete and utter twats, Jude was really ill so we just sat around united in general misery. Where we went so early on Saturday we didn’t sleep Friday night so by the time we got to the hotel in Athens we’d been awake 40+ hours. I was such a state I dropped and smashed a glass at dinner. WE never recovered that sleep so the 5 days were spent in a perpetual state of semi-consciousness. The weather was beautiful though so that was nice.
Got back on Wednesday and spent Thursday with Aaron, it was so good to see him again. I actually can’t cope without him. Thursday went to NME Rock n Roll Riot Tour and had SUCH fun. Jude and I were rich so we drank a lot and danced hard. I have never danced so much in my life actually, it was great. The Cribs weren’t the best I’ve ever seen them and their sound quality was a bit shit and Maximo Park put on a great performance but had a short set so didn’t play so many songs. They don’t suit being in support, only headlining. Kaiser Chiefs though…WOW. I’ve seen them before but they were definitely on top form. And they played for almost 2 hours, it was fantastic.
When we were at Brixton station Jude was lying down drunkenly on the platform so I wrote “Oh my God I can’t believe it” across her stomach in eyeliner. Anything anyone said to us from that point on was met with a flash of her stomach, good times. On the train home (which was delayed by 40 minutes, argh) me and Jude met a Ricky Wilson lookalike and he was so sweet I completely fell in love with him, my God. Then Aaron phoned and he was really upset but I was still drunk and too Interested in Ricky so didn’t pay much attention so he hung up on me, but we sorted that all out just fine. Then by the time the train had come me and Jude had missed last bus so we walked the two miles to her house. It was hilarious, we went so slowly. And the Co-op have really good CCTV footage of us pretending to be zombies outside their door.
Friday, came home and worked, it was shit. Then Aaron came over for dinner and that was nice. We had a real heart to heart and he saw me crying for the first time ever because he arrived during the middle of a massive argument.
Saturday went to see Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride with my dad. It was so so so so so so good. I actually cried so hard at the end, which is quite ridiculous, but it is really sad. Then I went to see Bloc Party and oh dear God what a night. Jude and I had a spare ticket that we’d already decided we wanted to sell because we wanted to make our fortunes and have loads of drinking money. So we sold it then went to the off-licence and got two cans of Stella and two Bacardi Breezers each. I don’t know what made me do it but I drank both my cans in about 5 minutes and I think that must have been what made me so ill later but I can’t be sure. So anyway, then we went in and the first support band were really shit. Jude got a text from someone that made her happy so we went to the bar and she bought another drink to celebrate and then we saw Ella and Molly so sat down to chat with them. I was feeling so bad at this point and already losing control so I gave the other half of my pint to Jude.
Then out of nowhere I decided I wanted to go find Aaron so I just wandered off by myself, which in retrospect was quite stupid because I was way too drunk. I managed to stumble across to the other side of Brixton Academy where I heard some people calling me and I saw Eben and Rory so I sat down with them. For those who don’t remember, Eben is Ella’s little brother and Rory is his friend who I became rather too obsessed with after Ella’s party. So anyway, I was really happy to see them and was chatting away when someone hit me on the shoulder and I was like “whhh…?” and then Rory said don’t worry it’s someone you know and I turned round and it was Tom (Alice’s little brother, friends with Eben) and so I was chatting away to him and their friends Ben, who I’ve seen around, and Richard who I’ve never seen before. The problem with this certain group of boys is that they are all incredibly good looking, well dressed, very good music taste and have just the right level of arrogance to pull it all off. My biggest problem is that they are all 14 and I have a boyfriend. Anyway, I was chatting away to them and they bought drinks at the bar and then kept giving me more alcohol and cigarettes and I possibly also smoked a joint with them which I don’t quite remember but could also be a contributing factor to later illness. Then Aaron came over and I was really rude to him and told him to go away (although I don’t remember this) and afterwards I told everyone that he was my boyfriend and I didn’t care, which was really stupid. Then I was chatting away to Ben about his girlfriend because she goes to my school and they’ve been going out for over a year and I was like woahhh way too much at your age and he said she hated him anyway and they were probably going to break up on Monday. Then we went down to the front because Bloc Party were coming on, then they came on…and this bit all gets a bit blurry and suddenly one of them was kissing me and I think it was Tom but in the space of 5 minutes I also pulled Ben and Rory and I’m not sure which was which.
Where I was drunk I couldn’t stay at the front so I moved to the side then passed out outside the men’s toilets…then threw up four times, once on Aaron, ooops. So then he took me into the men’s toilets and stayed with me to make sure I was ok and I just kept passing out in there. But it was really rank because all these men kept trying to chat me up while I was passed out after throwing up on the floor. It was so rank. Yeah then I went into the toilet and threw up some more. Niiice. Then finally made it outside for Bloc Party’s last song so I MISSED THE WHOLE SET. Which is possibly what I’m most upset about, even though cheating on my boyfriend is ten times worse. Then some guy started talking to me and he was one of the one’s I’d been talking to at Arctic Monkeys and then he went to get his friend who was the one who gave me a quick kiss on the lips and I was like argh ‘cause Aaron was standing right behind me but luckily they buggered off. Then Tom came along with his top off (very good stuff) and so I went to go with him but I had to say bye to Aaron, so I said goodbye to him then turned round and Tom was gone too and I was a bit alone. So I wandered round aimlessly for a bit then found Tom again and eventually we got outside where we met everyone else and Ben fed me chips. Then their bus came so they all left but Rory kissed me again and I didn’t stop it because I am a stupid fool.
Then I found out this morning that Aaron saw me kiss one of the boys and knows that another one kissed me too because he overheard him talking about it. And that’s why everything is so shit.
I can’t make excuses for my behaviour really, because although I did not initiate any of the kissing, I didn’t stop it once it started. I also have no idea how I got so drunk. I’d had breakfast and lunch so that was ok. I was well within my drinking limit. I mean on Thursday all I’d had all day was a peanut butter sandwich at 11am and I drank almost double what I had last night and I was completely fine. I just don’t understand. I have never thrown up as a result of drinking before.
Luckily Aaron isn’t dumping me because he realises that it wasn’t something I wanted to happen but obviously he is really hurt and won’t ever trust me gain, and I can’t begrudge him that. He cried down the phone at me this morning. It was really horrible. I always said to him one of the reasons I didn’t want to go out with him is because I’d only end up hurting him. It’s stupid but I don’t mean to hurt people but I always do. Jude and I were talking about this and in some ways it’s the same for her. She thinks it’s the pleasure/pain complex and sure that comes into it but really I think I’m just set on self-destruct. I have to hurt myself and the easiest way for me to do that is to make the people I love hate me. I don’t mean to do it, but somehow I always do. I love Aaron more then anyone and I had no desire whatsoever to ever cheat on him, like I actually really didn’t want to because there’s no one else I’d rather be with or anyone I prefer to him. Yet somehow I still ended up doing it. Sure, I was very very drunk but that’s no excuse really is it?
I’m just really upset with myself at the moment for so many things. Apart from Jude, I seem to hate all of my friends at the moment, even the ones who have done nothing wrong. I’m glad me and Jude are getting closer though, because there’s a girl with so many issues and most people wouldn’t even suspect that she’s desperately unhappy but we’ve had a few big heart to hearts recently and I really feel like we can be there for each other fully now. Of course I’m also upset for hurting one of the few people I care about but mainly for compromising the best thing that’s ever happened to me and the only thing that makes me happy. And I am so happy with Aaron. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in where everything just seems to go right and we get on so well and have so much fun and I trust him with my life. I have large problems talking openly to people about anything so to find a boyfriend who is also a great friend and someone I can talk to about anything is actually so amazing for me. I can’t do without him. And now I’ve possibly gone and ruined that.
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I wrote all of that earlier on Word so I could just post it next time I came online and once I'd finished I felt so shit I sat and cried for about an hour. Now I don't know what to do. I don't think I can ever see Aaron again because I will just feel so bad everytime I do. It's like, he can forgive me but I don't think I can forgive myself. he said earlier he never wants us to break up and he stills loves me and we can work it through but I'm not sure I can.
I know you'll be fine, now that you're not mine
I feel like I should put my week in chronological order so I’ll start with Greece. Went really early on Saturday morning, spent Friday with Aaron, and it was very hard to leave him. But he woke up early on Saturday so I could text him before I left then he called me just before the plane took off to tell me he loved me and to have a good time.
Got to Greece and he called me again and it was annoying because it cost me money too and I only had 25p so it was a short call. He said he had to phone because he missed me so much. That time I did cry because the phone call just cut out.
Greece was a bit shit. The food was horrible a lot of the time (they tried to give the vegetarians a plate of peas AS A MAIN FUCKING COURSE), the people me and Jude hang around with normally were being complete and utter twats, Jude was really ill so we just sat around united in general misery. Where we went so early on Saturday we didn’t sleep Friday night so by the time we got to the hotel in Athens we’d been awake 40+ hours. I was such a state I dropped and smashed a glass at dinner. WE never recovered that sleep so the 5 days were spent in a perpetual state of semi-consciousness. The weather was beautiful though so that was nice.
Got back on Wednesday and spent Thursday with Aaron, it was so good to see him again. I actually can’t cope without him. Thursday went to NME Rock n Roll Riot Tour and had SUCH fun. Jude and I were rich so we drank a lot and danced hard. I have never danced so much in my life actually, it was great. The Cribs weren’t the best I’ve ever seen them and their sound quality was a bit shit and Maximo Park put on a great performance but had a short set so didn’t play so many songs. They don’t suit being in support, only headlining. Kaiser Chiefs though…WOW. I’ve seen them before but they were definitely on top form. And they played for almost 2 hours, it was fantastic.
When we were at Brixton station Jude was lying down drunkenly on the platform so I wrote “Oh my God I can’t believe it” across her stomach in eyeliner. Anything anyone said to us from that point on was met with a flash of her stomach, good times. On the train home (which was delayed by 40 minutes, argh) me and Jude met a Ricky Wilson lookalike and he was so sweet I completely fell in love with him, my God. Then Aaron phoned and he was really upset but I was still drunk and too Interested in Ricky so didn’t pay much attention so he hung up on me, but we sorted that all out just fine. Then by the time the train had come me and Jude had missed last bus so we walked the two miles to her house. It was hilarious, we went so slowly. And the Co-op have really good CCTV footage of us pretending to be zombies outside their door.
Friday, came home and worked, it was shit. Then Aaron came over for dinner and that was nice. We had a real heart to heart and he saw me crying for the first time ever because he arrived during the middle of a massive argument.
Saturday went to see Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride with my dad. It was so so so so so so good. I actually cried so hard at the end, which is quite ridiculous, but it is really sad. Then I went to see Bloc Party and oh dear God what a night. Jude and I had a spare ticket that we’d already decided we wanted to sell because we wanted to make our fortunes and have loads of drinking money. So we sold it then went to the off-licence and got two cans of Stella and two Bacardi Breezers each. I don’t know what made me do it but I drank both my cans in about 5 minutes and I think that must have been what made me so ill later but I can’t be sure. So anyway, then we went in and the first support band were really shit. Jude got a text from someone that made her happy so we went to the bar and she bought another drink to celebrate and then we saw Ella and Molly so sat down to chat with them. I was feeling so bad at this point and already losing control so I gave the other half of my pint to Jude.
Then out of nowhere I decided I wanted to go find Aaron so I just wandered off by myself, which in retrospect was quite stupid because I was way too drunk. I managed to stumble across to the other side of Brixton Academy where I heard some people calling me and I saw Eben and Rory so I sat down with them. For those who don’t remember, Eben is Ella’s little brother and Rory is his friend who I became rather too obsessed with after Ella’s party. So anyway, I was really happy to see them and was chatting away when someone hit me on the shoulder and I was like “whhh…?” and then Rory said don’t worry it’s someone you know and I turned round and it was Tom (Alice’s little brother, friends with Eben) and so I was chatting away to him and their friends Ben, who I’ve seen around, and Richard who I’ve never seen before. The problem with this certain group of boys is that they are all incredibly good looking, well dressed, very good music taste and have just the right level of arrogance to pull it all off. My biggest problem is that they are all 14 and I have a boyfriend. Anyway, I was chatting away to them and they bought drinks at the bar and then kept giving me more alcohol and cigarettes and I possibly also smoked a joint with them which I don’t quite remember but could also be a contributing factor to later illness. Then Aaron came over and I was really rude to him and told him to go away (although I don’t remember this) and afterwards I told everyone that he was my boyfriend and I didn’t care, which was really stupid. Then I was chatting away to Ben about his girlfriend because she goes to my school and they’ve been going out for over a year and I was like woahhh way too much at your age and he said she hated him anyway and they were probably going to break up on Monday. Then we went down to the front because Bloc Party were coming on, then they came on…and this bit all gets a bit blurry and suddenly one of them was kissing me and I think it was Tom but in the space of 5 minutes I also pulled Ben and Rory and I’m not sure which was which.
Where I was drunk I couldn’t stay at the front so I moved to the side then passed out outside the men’s toilets…then threw up four times, once on Aaron, ooops. So then he took me into the men’s toilets and stayed with me to make sure I was ok and I just kept passing out in there. But it was really rank because all these men kept trying to chat me up while I was passed out after throwing up on the floor. It was so rank. Yeah then I went into the toilet and threw up some more. Niiice. Then finally made it outside for Bloc Party’s last song so I MISSED THE WHOLE SET. Which is possibly what I’m most upset about, even though cheating on my boyfriend is ten times worse. Then some guy started talking to me and he was one of the one’s I’d been talking to at Arctic Monkeys and then he went to get his friend who was the one who gave me a quick kiss on the lips and I was like argh ‘cause Aaron was standing right behind me but luckily they buggered off. Then Tom came along with his top off (very good stuff) and so I went to go with him but I had to say bye to Aaron, so I said goodbye to him then turned round and Tom was gone too and I was a bit alone. So I wandered round aimlessly for a bit then found Tom again and eventually we got outside where we met everyone else and Ben fed me chips. Then their bus came so they all left but Rory kissed me again and I didn’t stop it because I am a stupid fool.
Then I found out this morning that Aaron saw me kiss one of the boys and knows that another one kissed me too because he overheard him talking about it. And that’s why everything is so shit.
I can’t make excuses for my behaviour really, because although I did not initiate any of the kissing, I didn’t stop it once it started. I also have no idea how I got so drunk. I’d had breakfast and lunch so that was ok. I was well within my drinking limit. I mean on Thursday all I’d had all day was a peanut butter sandwich at 11am and I drank almost double what I had last night and I was completely fine. I just don’t understand. I have never thrown up as a result of drinking before.
Luckily Aaron isn’t dumping me because he realises that it wasn’t something I wanted to happen but obviously he is really hurt and won’t ever trust me gain, and I can’t begrudge him that. He cried down the phone at me this morning. It was really horrible. I always said to him one of the reasons I didn’t want to go out with him is because I’d only end up hurting him. It’s stupid but I don’t mean to hurt people but I always do. Jude and I were talking about this and in some ways it’s the same for her. She thinks it’s the pleasure/pain complex and sure that comes into it but really I think I’m just set on self-destruct. I have to hurt myself and the easiest way for me to do that is to make the people I love hate me. I don’t mean to do it, but somehow I always do. I love Aaron more then anyone and I had no desire whatsoever to ever cheat on him, like I actually really didn’t want to because there’s no one else I’d rather be with or anyone I prefer to him. Yet somehow I still ended up doing it. Sure, I was very very drunk but that’s no excuse really is it?
I’m just really upset with myself at the moment for so many things. Apart from Jude, I seem to hate all of my friends at the moment, even the ones who have done nothing wrong. I’m glad me and Jude are getting closer though, because there’s a girl with so many issues and most people wouldn’t even suspect that she’s desperately unhappy but we’ve had a few big heart to hearts recently and I really feel like we can be there for each other fully now. Of course I’m also upset for hurting one of the few people I care about but mainly for compromising the best thing that’s ever happened to me and the only thing that makes me happy. And I am so happy with Aaron. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in where everything just seems to go right and we get on so well and have so much fun and I trust him with my life. I have large problems talking openly to people about anything so to find a boyfriend who is also a great friend and someone I can talk to about anything is actually so amazing for me. I can’t do without him. And now I’ve possibly gone and ruined that.
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I wrote all of that earlier on Word so I could just post it next time I came online and once I'd finished I felt so shit I sat and cried for about an hour. Now I don't know what to do. I don't think I can ever see Aaron again because I will just feel so bad everytime I do. It's like, he can forgive me but I don't think I can forgive myself. he said earlier he never wants us to break up and he stills loves me and we can work it through but I'm not sure I can.
I know you'll be fine, now that you're not mine