THIS BLOWS!!!!!

[edible_undiez_x]

goddamn. this had to be THE longest week of my life. and one of the worst at that. sheesh. i hate this. drama after drama after drama. godddd im so stressed. and im so glad exams are over, my attention span is completely GONE theres no way id be willing to pick up a book again and actually STUDY it. yeah so i definitely went into every exam with an A or a B..and im coming out with FFFFFFF. oh joy. lets all enjoy mandy's last weekend out before im grounded for all eternity. yeahhhh. well i just feel like an idiot. should have known when finnan said he was hanging out with brittani, things were gonna get weird. so she fucking decides to hunt jenn down after school the other day to ask about me, and tell her that he's taking her out to lunch. seriously WHAT THE FUCK? i dont even know. so i call him, again. and again. and again. and oh just one more time. i left like 873874238947 messages. i refuse to call anymore. seriously, why do i do this? im beyond fucking sick of doing this to myself. if i hadnt given this relationship my ALL, i would be gone by now. ive left so much of myself with him, i dont know how to move on. its sad, i know, but what can ya do? i knew this would happen eventually, i just never knew itd hurt this fucking much. and it gets even worse..i dont even know if we're still talking, dating w/e you wanna call it. maybe id have a little insight on all this bullshit if he'd pick up the damn phone. id be so happy if i could just hate him right now. but oh no, that would mean my life would officially fall apart. if it hasnt already. i cant bring myself to move on. i just cant. its like im stuck in neutral. id like to know what goes on in that head of his. id like to know WHY he does this to me. but mostly, i wanna know why i havent given up. you'd think that after being rejected over and over again, id give up. but no, cause i know him. i KNOW he's gonna come crawling back when things get bad, and im gonna give into him. theres nothing else i can do. it seems like no matter how many times he's smashed my heart right in front of me, i keep coming back for more. its ridiculous. maybe its cause no matter how much times hes ripped out my heart and torn it to pieces, he always knows how to put it back together again. and maybe its cause i dont just love him, i love ME when im with him. i've never felt that before. and i know that when i finally get an explanation for all this, he's gonna laugh at me and tell me im overreacting, and things will be back to normal. and he'll smile, and once again, it will PATHETICALLY make my day. but what if it doesnt? what if this really means its over? after all i've worked for. it doesnt seem fair. why would God give me so much, only to take it all away. i feel EMPTY. i feel like nothing. i mean nothing. i know im not supposed to feel this way but i do. i shouldnt JUST be satisfied with a boy. i should be able to make it on my own. but obviously i was confused. i dont know where to go. should i agitate the situation even more? call another 87394320948 x and cry each time i get the machine? or should i just give up? im thinking we should scratch number 3 right now. your probably all shaking your heads, wanting to punch me right in the face. and your also gonna ask me "why are you killing yourself like this?" and truly, i dont know. my life is so out of whack. all i know is that he IS my life, i love him and theres nothing more i can do. i cant try any harder than i do. ive tried enough. i guess ill sit back and wait till he gets sick of her, like he has with every other girl, and he'll once again revolve around me. i know im only fooling myself. but hey as long as it works right? i just feel so stupid. why couldnt i have seen this for myself? and to actually think he might have cared enough to let me know? goddamnit. i could just rip my hair out. the more this upsets me, the more aggrivated i get. and the more angry this makes me, the more upset i get, and i feel like breaking down. and the cycle repeats. i donno, i shouldnt even be upset. its his loss, and i know this. i really dont need this added weight on my shoulders. but ive carried it for so long, its implanted into my skin. if only he could read this, if only for once he'd hurt like i do. i want him to CRY. i want my fairytale life back. i want him to carry me off on a beautiful white horse and ride off into the sunset. i know we dont always get what we want, but jesus christ, i have never gotten what i want. except for this. this is all i want. i want to feel whole again. i dont wanna feel this empty pit in the bottom of my stomach anymore. maybe tonight will be better, maybe he'll call and tell me he misses me, and for once I'LL blow HIM off, and have a girl's night out with my best friends, and everything will be okay. you know, ive never asked for much. and i dont expect things to be perfect, i just want them to be okay.... =(

BUT YOU PUT A DART
THROUGH MY DREAMS, THROUGH MY HEART
AND IM BACK WHERE I STARTED AGAIN