Deep, True, Complete, Unparalleled, Unconditional, Incomparable love.
I remember feeling butterflies and not being able to explain why - but it wasn't because of a first kiss, or the touch of another hand on mine.
No. My first experiences of love came when i was 13/14 years old and I had made friends with someone with whom I roleplayed with.
Sometimes it just felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest, my stomach felt like it was melting and being soaked up into my heart. But it was peaceful and intense.
For someone so young i was told I was very mature. That he didn't feel like he was talking to a preteen/teenager but someone much closer to his age.
He was older. He never said or did anything inappropriate and he was always respectful, but my God - he had been there for me for so much and the friendship i had with him was one of deep love, respect and friendship.
Was he attractive?
Well yeah - he was - but honestly that had very little to do with it.
Those teenage formative years; when I didn't have my dad alive - he served as a way for me to talk to a guy who had my best interests at heart, but who also - I knew - loved me. As a friend, a companion.
I know now - back then I was in love with him.
However, because of our huge age difference - because of how society would look at it, we never spoke again after I turned 16.
My mind still wanders to him and wonders if he is happy.
I wonder how he is.
I wish I might hear from him - and i still have a place in my heart for him. Even if nothing more comes of it.
I didn't know then what I know now.
I know what lust feels like; and it wasnt lust.
I know what true love feels like too, and I have only had those feelings 3 times in my entire life.
Now looking back, i wonder if I have any love left; is there room in my heart?
Is there or will there ever be a place for someone else?
Will I ever feel true love again.
I've stopped looking and I watch those around me; all my hopes and dreams of finding someone i love who loves me slowly disintegrating as I get older.
Maybe love isn't real. Maybe everything is love.
Maybe I've been wrong all along.
Maybe romantic love is total bullshit...
Its enough to make you sick, truly.
How do i find real love, now?
Can I even?
I want it so badly - but not so much that I let my guard down and get involved with the wrong one.
How. How do people do it?
Why am I so scared?
What am I scared of?
Being happy? Maybe.
Being hurt? Definitely.
Being destroyed again? Most definitely.
So what now?
I've been plummeted into this depression; one that no one else can help with.
One that has been so intense and gut wrenching that I don't know what to do.
I'm not going to hurt myself, or kill myself.
That's silly. However, I am down.
I've become cynical towards "love" and romance.
I don't know... maybe there is something wrong with me.
I don't fall easily - but i fall hard when I do.
I don't want to worry about if the person I fall for is going to catch me though.
The idea of "falling" is terrifying to me - because I have no control and after so many wasted years, so much wasted time - I don't want to make the same mistakes.
I find myself once again having a hard time with trusting and trusting completely.
Now- I am stuck with having no expectations, but I still am stuck with the feelings of want.
What do I need to give myself?
Forgiveness? Do I need to trust myself?
What do I need to do to keep my head above water, and my feet firmly planted in the earth?
My love is unique; in fact it is like nothing you will ever experience or ever come across.
How can I give it so freely to others but I still struggle to believe I am worthy of the kind of love I give.
Honestly, i just truly feel like it doesn't exist within anyone else.
So I guess I just have to give it to myself over and over again.
Whatever we desire from others we must work to give to ourselves.
I am giving and recieving deep, true, complete, unparalleled, unconditional, incomparable love. I will recieve it; and in this lifetime.
Universe, I am ready.
Universe; show me what/who I need to be to habe this manifest into my life completely.
Love,
Phoebe