Detachment
I severed my last bit of expectations from 'you' yesterday and last night.
As I sat in my kitchen cross legged at the table staring at my computer as I struggled to put into words why I felt upset; why I felt lost, why I wanted to cry.
Then I realized, there's no reason for it. Everything you did in our relationship was a call from from my soul from you to myself to stop seeking what I already had within myself from YOU. Yet, I insisted that I needed it - that I wanted it from you.
I was ashamed - and upset at myself.
After that, I didn't get anything done that I wanted to the rest of the night; the paper I had started writing for my ArcGIS course stayed dormant as I stared at the screen trying to make sense of what to write. I blogged my thoughts from the triggers I experienced earlier in the day, I wrote about them at length - right here.
I spent time speaking to friends and soul family who talked me through where to go next. What to do next. I glazed over it and decided that my only way I could deal with this is to let go of everything and not - forget about it but to just move forward and be. I felt the feelings for a bit and allowed myself a few minutes to cry then pulled myself together and tried to get back in the rhythm of working on my homework.
I spent the next hours flirting and chatting and taking pictures of myself and posting pictures of me looking hot - why? Well, because I deserve to feel desirable and that was one way for me to do so.
I know I am - but I wanted to really make men - any man - doggedly desire me.
I felt empowered; I always feel empowered when I can.
So what if I am leaking my sexual energy - it's not as if you want it, anyways.
Well - that's all you wanted. That was the only thing you ever wanted from me.
I'm not worried any more about it. The more I thought about it, the less I started to care. Then I read something on karmic partners this morning.
Hm. Interesting. This described everything terrible that happened to me over the last 10 years of being with you.
So either you're a karmic partner, or you are my twin flame.
Ugh.
I don't even care.
At this point, I let it go; who cares.
I made the decision to stop trying to think about you.
I surrendered and said, "you know what - I don't need to know who my twin flame is. I don't even care anymore. I'm letting go of the expectations that I know who my twin flame is; that 'you' are my twin flame."
I deserve so much better than what you gave em anyways; I deserved to be loved for all that I am, unconditionally - and I do love myself unconditionally, so I am my own perfect lover. I am my own twin flame.
And I am my twin flame - and I don't need anyone else or anything else.
Am I sad about this...?
Yes, and no.
I feel relief to know that I don't know who my twin flame is; and I know they will be perfect.
Could it still be 'you'? Maybe.
Could it be this other person? Maybe.
Does it matter?
No. It doesn't matter, because - I'm here and I am all that I need.