Fighting the Feeling of "Never Good Enough"
So not going to lie - I got a little emotional writing this - so I appologize if I do ramble.
I recently joined and became a moderator for a kink group on facebook. Ouuu-ahhh..! By the way if you want to join, you are welcome to... I'll attach a link here to Devils corner.
As a mod in this group, we run a bunch of games and "getting to know you question" posts and things like that. We had a game that was running and it was one where if you posted your name that anyone could ask you anything and you had to answer.
Usually I'll answer most questions anyways, but this one thought it wasn't that bad, got me all emotional and off on a tangent and realizing some things about myself.
Another question that came up as well that triggered me, but I won't honestly go into it in this blog though because - well, this one is already too long. ;)
It came up when I was asked "what's the craziest thing you've ever been asked to do?"
I had to think about it for a while; what exactly qualifies as crazy? What have I been asked to do by partners that would be truly insane? I mean... this took a minute. I didn't respond for a few hours because honestly, sexual deviant that I am, not much is off limits sexually. I finally had an answer but it wasn't really sexually related.
Me: "Asked to do...? I mean.. I've really been asked to do everything. I guess have a 4-some/open-relationship/swingers and have an orgy with another couple people. I said absolutely not. Too much going on there and I already had anxiety in that relationship about not being "good enough" for anything with that partner - and we didn't have sex together NEARLY as much as I wanted to. Not for lack of MY trying.
It's funny looking back - all the red flags I ignored. 😐🙁😔"
It really hit me; and it hurt. I was never really good enough for him to him.
He would have never been loyal and he was telling me the entire time - and I - well, I was young, and I thought that people change; he just needed to know how awesome I was.
Hah.
Wrong.
He KNEW how awesome I was, that's why he started dating me, but it was more than that. He was trying to have his cake and eat it, too.
About 3 weeks into the relationship with my last ex, he brought "up having sex with other partners, you know swinging". I looked at him as if he was crazy and he said, "I'm just putting that out there." I was baffled.
"Like - is there a problem with us - you know, being intimated just you and me, because - we literally just started dating..."
"No, I was just wondering if you would be open to it."
I don't know why I had to think about it - but I didn't give him an answer except to say, "No. I don't think so - if we were together for a while - well, even then - I just don't know."
His response, "okay, well... just think about it."
I was so upset - I drove home from seeing him really upset and later on that night, I finally gave him a call with a much more serious response, "look, I don't do multiple partners, and if that's what you want, then I'm not it. If you want me, it's me and nobody else. I don't share - and if that is what you want, we can end this right now."
"No. It's fine, I get it. Okay." He said.
I guess that should have been my first clue he was fucking around with other people, I guess. Hah, it's so funny because the further back I look at that relationship, the more and more fucked up I realize it really, truly was and I should have RUN like the dickens, but for whatever reason, I fell for him - and I fell fast; and hard.
Like a bad drug habit.
This would not be the end of the subject though; this would not be the end of that conversation and every year around the same time - for 9 years it came up - over and over and over again.
I asked him if I was enough, "No, you're enough, its just some times you want something weird."
"I don't want anything weird," I said, "I really just want more sex with you."
He looked disappointed.
"Look," I said, "I will make an exception - but I want more sex with YOU... So if AND ONLY if you and I have sex ATLEAST 3 times a week JUST you and ME and I'M NOT TALKING about us having sex with OTHER people JUST you and me; then and only then will I ever consider have another person thrown in the mix. I'm not bringing another person into the mix; I don't want another person - and it's risky and dangerous to do that - so I REALLY don't want to do that - but if we do have sex at least 3x a week, consistantly for atleast 6 months - then we can talk it over again."
Ahh... How pretty!
Did you see those...?
Look at the PRETTY red flags just STREAMING across the sky - SCREAMING at you Phoebe - TO WAKE THE FUCK UP AND SMELL THE HORSE SHIT streaming from this asshole's mouth!
Oh. Sorry. Ahem.
After that, when it was brought up, over and over I would say, "you barely have time for sex with me, you're really going to have sex with me 3 x a week AND other people...? Right. Okay. No. Stop asking - or let's end this relationship if that is what you want."
You know, sex is easy; and it is - there is nothing to it.
It's just like riding a bike; you can ride any bike - there's nothing to it.
Relationships though - are hard. Intimacy is hard - but it shouldn't be. Not when we're so willing to shed our clothes and sleep around, but we can't commit?
Oh no. Relationships are hard.
They are dirty - and complicated.
They are unpredictable.
They're messy.
They require thinking of the other person.
They require compromise!
They usually end in heartbreak if they don't end in marriage - and yes, I realize that is a harsh generalization but this is also reality.
We're not taught how to have good relationships growing up, in school, or by anyone. We do what our parents do - they are our role models.
Now, look at most of our parents' relationships; about 75% of them are dysfunctional in some way or another, most of them are unhappy and/or divorced. Now, people who have a religious upbringing or something - they're just slightly better off, but if you tell me that someone claims to have it right - well, maybe they do - but most people don't have it right.
What does media and Hollywood tell us and teach us? We're taught that codependent or dependent relationships are healthy; that we don't need to do everything ourselves but instead, we can depend on our partner for our every need.
NOPE - wrong.
Everyone tries to get something from their partner, but they can't even give it to themselves. How dare you ask for someone to give you something that you can't even give yourself!? Grow up!!!
Now, I realize, I'm on my soap box saying this stuff and I'm not perfect. I never said I was - infact, I realized that I can't give any kind of relationship advice at all what so ever to anyone. Why?
Well, I don't know shit.
That's the simple truth of the matter.
I am a die-hard romantic. I love love. I love being in love. I love being in a relationship with someone who will let me love, nurture, and care for them and who will do the same for me! I'm a demisexual and a sapiosexual so my connections - even the non-romantic ones; they are intense because I don't fall easy - and not love just ANYONE - or fall in love with everyone - but if I connect with you - it is for a lifetime. Even with friendships - I will love the fuck out of you. I will be loyal until my dying breath to you if I love you and - I will never do anything to bring harm to you.
Here's the problem with that; when you love that hard - you tend to scare people away; and when you form a deep connection with someone like that - its earth-shattering if they don't love you back - or if they break up with you, or if they cheat on you; or if they tell you that they don't like you like that.
When you're a demisexual and a sapiosexual - you don't feel love like other people; you feel it worse, deeper, and harder because - the connection isn't about physical sexual attraction - it's on a whole different level. OH and NO ONE will ever understand that - even if you try to explain it to them. Someone can be enough. You can be enough for yourself, you can love the hell out of yourself unconditionally and love yourself and realise you don't need ANYONE and you can love someone SO hard - but they will never understand - and you may NEVER be enough for that person.
Now, my issue...? I feel as if I have never been enough for -anyone- in my life in my relationships. I've almost always been cheated on. In previous relationships, guys pushed the envelope with what I would do for them. Most of the time, I did whatever they wanted. Then, I had boyfriends asking for open relationships and I would say okay, and then immediately after - '"you know what no. I'm not comfortable with that." Then I would find out later they were cheating on me the whole time, or they weren't that committed to me at all - and that I was the other woman. Yeah. That. That right there killed me, too.
Why wasn't I ever good enough for people to want to claim me and keep me as their own?
What was wrong with -me-...?
What was it that they got from other people that I didn't give them...?
Even with my last ex - who I was with for 10 years - off and on - I started to feel like the only reason why he stuck around was that he thought once I graduated and got a new (fantastic paying) job, that I would make all the money and he could sit back and live the easy life. At least, that was what I gathered from his Mom - and what he had said to me that originally I assumed he was saying it jokingly. I was told by his mom that he would go back to school or whatever and let me be the breadwinner... OH - and he never mentioned any of this to me of his plans for OUR future. And to think - I was in love with this guy, and almost -finally- moved in with him!
Even more after that relationship I've been working through this block where - it feels like - everyone has always wanted more than "just me".
No one has ever just wanted me for me; for my mind, heart, soul, spirit, body.
No one has wanted to get down to the knitty-gritty, intimate, deep and dirty.
No one has wanted me just for me; good, bad, ugly, weird, beautiful, mundane, magickal, amazing, boring, everything, sexual, modest, normal, crazy, sane, insane, level headed - NO ONE!!!
No one has wanted JUST me - forever.
THAT is a love I yearn for; that is a love that I would die a million times for - because I am worth it. I know I am!
So where the FUCK is this person!?
I always have been enough and have ALWAYS loved myself unconditionally, So where the FUCK is this person that I'm supposed to be with!?
I know these feelings, struggles and blocks have been projections in ways of my own, too. I have never thought or felt that I was enough at times in certain relationships - can you blame me? Who asks their girlfriend after 3 weeks if they had given any thoughts to swinging. That's a really big killer for your self-esteem.
However, I know I am most definitely enough.
I love myself, I am always enough.
I am all I need.
I always have been, always will be - but regardless - I occassionally glance back at the past and the last 10 years - no maybe longer - 18 years and I see all the screaming fiery red flags that I ignored - and I wonder how. And why?
All the things that should have told me to get out, and never look back, and all the times I stupidly fed in to that stupid little game...
All the things I tried to say was just a guy being a guy, when it was just a guy being a selfish, self-serving, egotistical, narcissistic prick.
Now, I question everything - I question people's motives and if they are genuine and for real; if they really mean what they say - if anyone is even worth trying to trust anymore. I question if - love is even real - if love is even worth it.
Even more so - I question what a "healthy" relationship looks like.
What does a "normal" relationship look like.
What's a happy relationship? I don't think I know many people who have truly - happy AND healthy romantic relationships. Certainly not romantically - DEFINITELY not with family 100% of the time.
I have -never- had a HEALTHY normal relationship - of any type except for a FEW very good friends, and now - my family.
So its really hard for me to even realize what a good relationship - a healthy, "normal" relationship is.
I've been working on myself so long - I keep looking for what else is "wrong" with me.
Maybe everything. Maybe nothing.
Why does it seem like everyone else is able to have good - normal, happy, healthy, fulfilling, loving relationships and I...
Well. I am gullible, and too trusting. I have no one to blame but myself. I start to replay the things that my ex had told me in my head about everyone using me, and I realize - maybe he is right. Maybe no one has ever really wanted me - they were just using me - and maybe I should give up on everyone.
Give up on trying to find love; give up on everything.
I was so hurt by that. That tore me apart; mostly because I never really truly felt like I was used - not even by him; but - I was.
And if that relationship kept on - I would have been used still more.
The heart is stupid, and I am equally.
I really wish I had never gone through any of it.
At the same time - I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't - and who knows what other insanity I would have put myself through.
Its like I'm paralyzed - trying to figure out what happens next.
This is the culmination of all of my romantic relationships and my now sickening struggle to unlearn 10 years - maybe 16 years, heck maybe even 18 years of emotional trauma. It's going to be a long road - and I thought I was doing pretty good, but now I'm not so sure.
For the last 3 months, I've only been focusing on trying to get myself - my head - my soul back in alignment - to kill off 'the ego' / 'the mind' or at least silence it so I can live in peace...
Now, I don't need a relationship; but I've wanted one - why? Well, because I love love. I love being in love - and I love being able to share my life with someone, and have them share their life with me, to cuddle up with them, fall asleep in their arms; and all I truly want - is REAL, true, and authentic love - in every sense, meaning and variation of the word. I'm ready - and I'm not going to settle - but I'm scared.
About 3 weeks ago, I met a guy that doesn't treat me like an object, who seems to treasure me, who respects me, respects my time, is all about honesty, who doesn't want to play games, and actually even goes out of his way for me - and I don't know what to do. He is courteous, kind, sweet, sensitive, successful, mature, grown-up, honest, and generous. I don't know what to do with him.
I'm scared.
I'm worried.
I'm trying not to get caught up.
This is the culmination of at least 15 years of learned behavior that I don't know what to do with now; all I've ever known was how to struggle for survival in relationships, and worry about not getting my heartbroken.
Of course, with this guy, there's nothing saying he's not a total snake in the grass either, but I truly don't think he is. He's been through so much already in his life - and the connection between us - well, who knows... maybe - once again I am in love with an idea.
Maybe there is no 'substance' to this.
Maybe this is another case of "mistaken identity", or love for the wrong person.
You know what though - I can't love the wrong person this time though - because this time, I am loving myself more than anyone else.
None the less, I have so much more I have to learn - or relearn.
One last thing that is very different this time around though; I will not ever love anyone else more than I love myself and God.