Falling, falling, falling
04/01/2011: 4/1/4
What do you think it means if I say….”is that a maybe?” I suppose silence is the best medicine but it doesn’t always work on me. It doesn’t deter me from expressing myself. I guess I’m an invader. I notice it doesn’t work for others (silence) and I don’t mind it- authentic or not…it’s what they are experiencing at the moment. I encourage voice. Ahh, however there are times that I just keep to myself - it’s a double lane.
Anyway, sometime last week I dreamt that I was careless with my camera and left my bag eff’n stashed somewhere I thought it would be safe…and it was stolen. Yeh - like dummy what the fuck were you thinkin’? The feeling was terrible as though I lost something very precious or I cheated myself or…just plain hurt. My camera is a tool, an extension…and while I don’t carry it everywhere…it still means a lot to me.
I have the urge to work creatively with my camera tonight and I’m hoping my son is up for the challenge. This idea surfaced weeks ago and I talked to him about being my subject. He seemed thrilled…now I don’t know why it was that we didn’t….or I didn’t follow through but tonight is good, I think.
Working with a couple would work better…ah… I wish my new acquaintance, S.W., was closer!
So, this morning and a few days have gone where I muse over the ability to daydream about one guy. I kind of think…well, how easy it is to idealize someone. Too easy. Then what? What good comes from this? It really is like a loaded gun. Now that I've idealized him enough, I can set him up for failure. Well, I know the game I play...and I play it because it keeps me single. Ironic? Also, I'm done...with this crush. It's over in a manic kind of way. It's quite comical...the choice I've made...and how I entertain my single life. Comical or pathetic...both, I guess.
Hmmm…I remember my friend, K, translating this imaginative fancy so well one night…if only I kept those words.
The other day I wondered what the hell makes a female bird so fussy about the mate she chooses. If you’ve watched the BBC Series: Planet Earth…you’ll know what I mean - the birds-of- paradise scene, yeah. “A female gains gene for offspring that increase their survival or reproductive fitness by choosing a male that excels in courtship displays”.
Do we inherently have the same instinct? Boy, do I feel like I missed a lot not going to ‘regular’ college.
Now, I’d like to investigate the dynamic of Polygyny, Polyandry, and Group Marriage. I know there was a show where Bill Paxton played a role in the same…what was it called...Big Love - yeah. I am now going to make an effort to watch this. Hell, it’s the best place to start. The research has been done and it'd be interesting to see the directors/writers view on this subject.
Falling, falling, falling….