Heartache
K so I'm missing Eden and Mandy tons right now. I haven't even talked to Kara all week which is different! I mean, this is my first weekend on campus and of course, tons of people are gone. So maybe it's just being bored and lonely...but all I know is I sit here in tears now. I mean, I look at pictures of Eden and whom I know and love her but she seems so foreign...but it's the same with pics of me before Eden. I mean...who was I?!? I knew nothing and was so naive about life. Now, I know so much more and love with all my heart. Eden's changed my life in so many ways and almost all those are positive. So why does it hurt so much!?! I know this is the right decision and I've never thought it wasn't. But it doesn't mean that when I'm in my car I don't imagine what it would have been like to go pick her up from day care and have her in her car seat behind me. I love her with all my heart and I'm missing out on so much. In a week and two days she turns one year old. I've missed so much in that year. I've missed her first steps, her first word. I was blessed with seeing her first crawl. Thank you Lord for that.
She's growing up so quick and I feel like I haven't expressed my love to her. I feel like she doesn't know my love. This is so pathetic...I'm sitting here crying my eyes out over a decision that I made. This was my choice. It is and always will be exactly what God planned and I don't doubt it for a second. I want so much to go up and see Eden for part of the day tomorrow...but I don't want to call and be a bother to Mandy and John. I mean, they have their own lives and need time for themselves. I'm sure they have plans and I'd be in the way. And I don't want to go up by myself. Leah and Denise tell me I should call but I am going through a phase where I feel like I'm in the way. I wish Mandy would call me :( Then I wouldn't feel like I was in the way and that she wanted me to be a part of things. But right now, that's just now how I feel. That's not anyone's fault...it's just the way it is. I mean, how many people when they have a baby have to adopt a mother in their lives too? But I'm not even her mom...I'm her birthmother. I don't deserve the title of mother because I'm no such thing. Her mom, Mandy, is definitely a wonderful mother and absolutely wonderful with her. I'm so glad that she has Mandy to be her mom and John as her dad. She deserves them because they are amazing.
I wish I didn't miss her! I wish my heart didn't hurt. I definitely need to see them...but I feel totally in the way! Who knows...maybe I'll call, maybe I won't. I was going to call tomorrow about next weekend for the birthday party (yet another reason not to call because I'll already be there next weekend...not that I'll get to see much of them but still) but if I wait til tomorrow I definitely won't ask about coming up because that'll be a bit late. I wish this was easier! So if anyone wants to go to Ft. Wayne (if I do go up, I'll be driving to Ft. Wayne too so that I can go pick up her birthday gift at Babies R' Us) please let me know cuz I really want some company (not that I know if I'm going cuz I'm too afraid to call and ask!) UGH!!! Stop crying already!!! Leah, Denise...thanks for listening. You ladies are wonderful and I truly appreciate it! Thanks girls!
She's growing up so quick and I feel like I haven't expressed my love to her. I feel like she doesn't know my love. This is so pathetic...I'm sitting here crying my eyes out over a decision that I made. This was my choice. It is and always will be exactly what God planned and I don't doubt it for a second. I want so much to go up and see Eden for part of the day tomorrow...but I don't want to call and be a bother to Mandy and John. I mean, they have their own lives and need time for themselves. I'm sure they have plans and I'd be in the way. And I don't want to go up by myself. Leah and Denise tell me I should call but I am going through a phase where I feel like I'm in the way. I wish Mandy would call me :( Then I wouldn't feel like I was in the way and that she wanted me to be a part of things. But right now, that's just now how I feel. That's not anyone's fault...it's just the way it is. I mean, how many people when they have a baby have to adopt a mother in their lives too? But I'm not even her mom...I'm her birthmother. I don't deserve the title of mother because I'm no such thing. Her mom, Mandy, is definitely a wonderful mother and absolutely wonderful with her. I'm so glad that she has Mandy to be her mom and John as her dad. She deserves them because they are amazing.
I wish I didn't miss her! I wish my heart didn't hurt. I definitely need to see them...but I feel totally in the way! Who knows...maybe I'll call, maybe I won't. I was going to call tomorrow about next weekend for the birthday party (yet another reason not to call because I'll already be there next weekend...not that I'll get to see much of them but still) but if I wait til tomorrow I definitely won't ask about coming up because that'll be a bit late. I wish this was easier! So if anyone wants to go to Ft. Wayne (if I do go up, I'll be driving to Ft. Wayne too so that I can go pick up her birthday gift at Babies R' Us) please let me know cuz I really want some company (not that I know if I'm going cuz I'm too afraid to call and ask!) UGH!!! Stop crying already!!! Leah, Denise...thanks for listening. You ladies are wonderful and I truly appreciate it! Thanks girls!