From 17 to 26
There are only 2 more days left until I turn 26 (dear gods what a terrible thing to type), and I find myself as always reflecting back on the previous years of my life. Specifically, my last 3 years as a teen.
Good gravy, what a mess.
It is absolutely amazing that I didn't crack and have a total breakdown by age 18. I was basically living a double, triple, sometimes even a quadruple life! How on Earth did I manage to do that?! Well, it's no wonder I have many fear problems now, on top of a crap body and probably a lovely case of PTSD. Ugh.
In my own very deluded and misguided way, the intentions were good, maybe. I wanted to please everyone around me and make people happy, I know now that you can't make everyone happy, to do so is reckless. It's terribly self sacrificing.
But on the other hand, I was so fucking selfish. I wanted it ALL, everything at once, I wanted my cake and to be able to eat it too, never gave a thought for consequences til they came a-calling. I was a stupid girl with lofty ambitions.
That doesn't mean the selfishness has somehow miraculously left, I still want it all (and I want it now!) and try to keep as many people happy as is humanly possible, but I have an edge now. For once in my life, I can say 'no', I can argue with someone or call a person out without wanting to puke, and I try to keep the head games to a bare minimum. Vast improvement from the Me of 17.
Look at me, a poly-minded bi-romantic homosexual gender fucked person. Calling myself a girl anymore feels wrong, as does woman. I never mentioned my gender confusion before, but for a good while I did wonder if perhaps I was trans. The jury is still out on that one but I feel that there is a significant amount of duality when it comes to my identity. So, I just go with it!
There is a huge way to go yet before I can say I'm content, a very long way indeed, but I am much more pleased with who I am now than who I was.
Bring it on, 26!
Good gravy, what a mess.
It is absolutely amazing that I didn't crack and have a total breakdown by age 18. I was basically living a double, triple, sometimes even a quadruple life! How on Earth did I manage to do that?! Well, it's no wonder I have many fear problems now, on top of a crap body and probably a lovely case of PTSD. Ugh.
In my own very deluded and misguided way, the intentions were good, maybe. I wanted to please everyone around me and make people happy, I know now that you can't make everyone happy, to do so is reckless. It's terribly self sacrificing.
But on the other hand, I was so fucking selfish. I wanted it ALL, everything at once, I wanted my cake and to be able to eat it too, never gave a thought for consequences til they came a-calling. I was a stupid girl with lofty ambitions.
That doesn't mean the selfishness has somehow miraculously left, I still want it all (and I want it now!) and try to keep as many people happy as is humanly possible, but I have an edge now. For once in my life, I can say 'no', I can argue with someone or call a person out without wanting to puke, and I try to keep the head games to a bare minimum. Vast improvement from the Me of 17.
Look at me, a poly-minded bi-romantic homosexual gender fucked person. Calling myself a girl anymore feels wrong, as does woman. I never mentioned my gender confusion before, but for a good while I did wonder if perhaps I was trans. The jury is still out on that one but I feel that there is a significant amount of duality when it comes to my identity. So, I just go with it!
There is a huge way to go yet before I can say I'm content, a very long way indeed, but I am much more pleased with who I am now than who I was.
Bring it on, 26!