[Fic] "Locked Room Problems," epilogue -- BtVS/Indiana Jones
A little over a year ago I posted Locked Room Problems, a BtVS/Indiana Jones crossover story whose plot boils down to this: Rupert Giles and Indiana Jones are trapped in a temple and a demonic fertility goddess forces them to have sex. I mean, there's a lot of scene-setting, and some character stuff, and some thoughts on making the two series and timelines play nice with each other, but basically it was an excuse to make those particular two men have sex, amen, the end. Of course, the sex ended up being no more than a couple paragraphs long, but I got the plot bunny to stop attacking me and considered the whole business well finished.
Except the plot had a few loose ends, one of which had enough potential for misinterpretation (mpreg anyone?) that I didn't feel comfortable posting the story anywhere besides LJ. I decided this could be fixed with an epilogue, and then never quite got around to writing said epilogue.
Until now.
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Locked Room Problems: Epilogue
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Nine months later, Caiquetl coalesced from a rainbow shimmer in the middle of Giles's dining room, interrupting a visit with Buffy and Dawn. She was carrying a baby. Giles froze in his chair; he'd begun to think they'd escaped any consequences of that incident, and now...
"Rupert Giles, dear Indiana, one brings you the fruit of your offering," Caiquetl said as Buffy grabbed a steak knife and moved in front of the others. "She is yours until twice eight years, when she must come with one to fulfill her destiny as champion of Tlaxlatahualpo, one's other realm."
Buffy's gaze never wavered from the avian goddess. "Giles. Translation?"
"Ah. Er. She says... that is..." He couldn't seem to shake his mind back into functionality.
"This is Caiquetl, demon fertility goddess of the Tzoteca," Indiana said, rescuing him. "The kid's ours, courtesy of a semi-involuntary offering. I didn't know she could make a baby, Ripper," he added to Giles. "How the hell did she do that?"
"That's nothing special -- I was made by human monks," Dawn informed him with a superior sniff. She pushed past her sister and tapped Caiquetl on the arm. "You. Hand over the baby. If she's Giles's daughter, then she's sort of my niece, and I want dibs."
"Erm," said Giles, as Caiquetl handed the child to Dawn.
The goddess's eyes gleamed and her beak gaped in silent laughter. "One does not offend the Key, Rupert Giles, even if it currently wears human flesh and cannot touch the bulk of its power. The Key has a long memory."
Giles stared at Dawn, hoping she hadn't learned Tzotecan without telling him. But Dawn was ignoring Caiquetl, in favor of brushing a wisp of hair off the baby's forehead -- off his daughter's forehead. "She's cute," said Dawn. Then she looked over at Giles, her eyes as ruthless and measuring as Buffy's hunting gaze. "So what's the catch? I don't think it takes that many words to say, 'Here's your kid; she's from that offering you made.' Translate, Giles."
"She's the destined champion of Caiquetl's other realm, and the goddess will come to take her when she's sixteen," Giles said, reluctantly. He tried to look away from the tiny figure in Dawn's arms. He'd already come so close to losing Buffy -- had lost Buffy -- and to accept this child and lose her too...
"Over my dead body," said Buffy, pulling Dawn behind her and glaring at Caiquetl. "We don't do destiny around here. We change destiny. If you need a champion, we've got dozens -- prove your cause is good and we'll work for free. Leave Giles' and Indiana's daughter out of it."
"What she said," agreed Dawn, letting the baby grab her fingertip in a pudgy fist.
"Have I mentioned lately that I like these girls?" Indiana whispered to Giles. Then he waved to Dawn. "Hey, come over here. I want to see my daughter."
"But--" protested Giles, weakly.
"But nothing," Indiana said. "I always wondered what kind of dad I'd make. Now we get to find out." Dawn grabbed a chair beside him and he scooped the baby from her hands. "She looks a bit like my mother, I think -- same set to the eyes. The nose has to be from your side, though."
Giles glanced down -- yes, the girl's nose did bear an unfortunate resemblance to his father's sharp, prominent features -- and then looked back over to Caiquetl and Buffy. "Please don't hurt Buffy, most glorious Caiquetl," he said. "She is like a daughter to me... and to Indiana," he added, which wasn't strictly true but might bear more weight with the goddess.
Caiquetl held up her hand, glowing with a rainbow shimmer of power, and Giles found himself abruptly unable to move. Judging by the boiling frustration on Buffy's face, the spell affected her too; he couldn't turn his head to check on Indiana or Dawn.
"One delivered the offering personally in order to observe the child's home and family," Caiquetl said in clear English, her accent tinged with middle America. "One is pleased. And while one will still collect the destined champion in twice eight years, one never said the champion could not bring or receive aid. Destiny cannot be broken -- you, Slayer, are still a Chosen One, are you not? -- but as you say, it can be altered."
She looked over at Giles and Indiana, her dark eyes laughing once more. "Raise your daughter well. This is the second half of your offering. And consider the slight inconvenience of her arrival your payment for Indiana's parting request."
Caiquetl vanished in a reverse shower of rainbow light.
Buffy turned to stare at Giles and Indiana. "What parting request?"
"Dry cleaning," Indiana said. "Fertility offerings tend to be messy."
"Oh," said Buffy, and then, in a suddenly disturbed tone, "Oh. Okay, that is totally gross, and I don't want to know any details, ever. God, Giles, do you leave out things like that from all your stories? Wait, no, don't tell me. Oh, yuck." She offered him a weak smile. "I'm going to go bleach my brain now, but I'll bring milk or something when I come back."
She fled. Giles covered his face with his hands and wondered if it were possible to die of mortification.
"Stop that," Dawn said, poking him in the side. "I don't want details either -- and can I just say, eww! -- but it's not the end of the world. Now act like a dad and say hi to your daughter, who, by the way, needs a name. I think Joy might be pretty -- it's short for Joyce, but it works on its own, too..."
Indiana placed the girl -- their daughter -- in Giles's arms. He stared down into her face, watching her eyes shift to focus on Indiana's dangling hand. Her right hand closed around one finger, and drew it toward her mouth.
"She's got a good grip for an infant," Indiana said. "My side of the family again, I bet."
"Bullshit," said Giles, before he could stop himself. "You can't claim all her good features are due to your blood, and there have been notable fighters in my family's past."
Indiana grinned, that magnetic flash of white against his tanned face. "Yeah, I know. I'm looking at two right now. Three if you count Dawn."
"I'd totally count me -- Giles is more like a dad than Hank Summers ever bothered to be," said Dawn. "So... you're not going to do anything stupid like try not to care about her, or dump her on Indiana and run away, right?" Giles wondered when Dawn had learned to read him so accurately, and how she'd missed that it was already far too late for him to take either of those courses.
"I think, as they say, that ship has sailed," Indiana said. "You're right, though, the kid needs a name. I've got no objections to Joy. You have any suggestions, Ripper?"
"Joy sounds fine to me," said Giles, cradling his daughter in his arms -- cradling Joy. He offered her a finger, which she tried to gnaw on; the lack of teeth impeded her success. Then he shot a crooked grin at Indiana. "Besides, I think 'Bewildered Confusion' is a bit unwieldy for a name, and that's the other emotion I feel at the moment."
Indiana didn't kiss him -- perhaps in deference to Dawn and Joy -- but his smile promised the world.
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End of Story
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And yes, I realize that this sounds like a set-up for a terrible Mary-Sue epic, but I don't really care because A) I am not continuing the story, B) it fits thematically into the whole BtVS mythos, and C) frankly, Mary-Sues are made more in the execution than the idea.
Buffy is hard to write. Did I screw her up too badly?
Except the plot had a few loose ends, one of which had enough potential for misinterpretation (mpreg anyone?) that I didn't feel comfortable posting the story anywhere besides LJ. I decided this could be fixed with an epilogue, and then never quite got around to writing said epilogue.
Until now.
---------------------------------------------
Locked Room Problems: Epilogue
---------------------------------------------
Nine months later, Caiquetl coalesced from a rainbow shimmer in the middle of Giles's dining room, interrupting a visit with Buffy and Dawn. She was carrying a baby. Giles froze in his chair; he'd begun to think they'd escaped any consequences of that incident, and now...
"Rupert Giles, dear Indiana, one brings you the fruit of your offering," Caiquetl said as Buffy grabbed a steak knife and moved in front of the others. "She is yours until twice eight years, when she must come with one to fulfill her destiny as champion of Tlaxlatahualpo, one's other realm."
Buffy's gaze never wavered from the avian goddess. "Giles. Translation?"
"Ah. Er. She says... that is..." He couldn't seem to shake his mind back into functionality.
"This is Caiquetl, demon fertility goddess of the Tzoteca," Indiana said, rescuing him. "The kid's ours, courtesy of a semi-involuntary offering. I didn't know she could make a baby, Ripper," he added to Giles. "How the hell did she do that?"
"That's nothing special -- I was made by human monks," Dawn informed him with a superior sniff. She pushed past her sister and tapped Caiquetl on the arm. "You. Hand over the baby. If she's Giles's daughter, then she's sort of my niece, and I want dibs."
"Erm," said Giles, as Caiquetl handed the child to Dawn.
The goddess's eyes gleamed and her beak gaped in silent laughter. "One does not offend the Key, Rupert Giles, even if it currently wears human flesh and cannot touch the bulk of its power. The Key has a long memory."
Giles stared at Dawn, hoping she hadn't learned Tzotecan without telling him. But Dawn was ignoring Caiquetl, in favor of brushing a wisp of hair off the baby's forehead -- off his daughter's forehead. "She's cute," said Dawn. Then she looked over at Giles, her eyes as ruthless and measuring as Buffy's hunting gaze. "So what's the catch? I don't think it takes that many words to say, 'Here's your kid; she's from that offering you made.' Translate, Giles."
"She's the destined champion of Caiquetl's other realm, and the goddess will come to take her when she's sixteen," Giles said, reluctantly. He tried to look away from the tiny figure in Dawn's arms. He'd already come so close to losing Buffy -- had lost Buffy -- and to accept this child and lose her too...
"Over my dead body," said Buffy, pulling Dawn behind her and glaring at Caiquetl. "We don't do destiny around here. We change destiny. If you need a champion, we've got dozens -- prove your cause is good and we'll work for free. Leave Giles' and Indiana's daughter out of it."
"What she said," agreed Dawn, letting the baby grab her fingertip in a pudgy fist.
"Have I mentioned lately that I like these girls?" Indiana whispered to Giles. Then he waved to Dawn. "Hey, come over here. I want to see my daughter."
"But--" protested Giles, weakly.
"But nothing," Indiana said. "I always wondered what kind of dad I'd make. Now we get to find out." Dawn grabbed a chair beside him and he scooped the baby from her hands. "She looks a bit like my mother, I think -- same set to the eyes. The nose has to be from your side, though."
Giles glanced down -- yes, the girl's nose did bear an unfortunate resemblance to his father's sharp, prominent features -- and then looked back over to Caiquetl and Buffy. "Please don't hurt Buffy, most glorious Caiquetl," he said. "She is like a daughter to me... and to Indiana," he added, which wasn't strictly true but might bear more weight with the goddess.
Caiquetl held up her hand, glowing with a rainbow shimmer of power, and Giles found himself abruptly unable to move. Judging by the boiling frustration on Buffy's face, the spell affected her too; he couldn't turn his head to check on Indiana or Dawn.
"One delivered the offering personally in order to observe the child's home and family," Caiquetl said in clear English, her accent tinged with middle America. "One is pleased. And while one will still collect the destined champion in twice eight years, one never said the champion could not bring or receive aid. Destiny cannot be broken -- you, Slayer, are still a Chosen One, are you not? -- but as you say, it can be altered."
She looked over at Giles and Indiana, her dark eyes laughing once more. "Raise your daughter well. This is the second half of your offering. And consider the slight inconvenience of her arrival your payment for Indiana's parting request."
Caiquetl vanished in a reverse shower of rainbow light.
Buffy turned to stare at Giles and Indiana. "What parting request?"
"Dry cleaning," Indiana said. "Fertility offerings tend to be messy."
"Oh," said Buffy, and then, in a suddenly disturbed tone, "Oh. Okay, that is totally gross, and I don't want to know any details, ever. God, Giles, do you leave out things like that from all your stories? Wait, no, don't tell me. Oh, yuck." She offered him a weak smile. "I'm going to go bleach my brain now, but I'll bring milk or something when I come back."
She fled. Giles covered his face with his hands and wondered if it were possible to die of mortification.
"Stop that," Dawn said, poking him in the side. "I don't want details either -- and can I just say, eww! -- but it's not the end of the world. Now act like a dad and say hi to your daughter, who, by the way, needs a name. I think Joy might be pretty -- it's short for Joyce, but it works on its own, too..."
Indiana placed the girl -- their daughter -- in Giles's arms. He stared down into her face, watching her eyes shift to focus on Indiana's dangling hand. Her right hand closed around one finger, and drew it toward her mouth.
"She's got a good grip for an infant," Indiana said. "My side of the family again, I bet."
"Bullshit," said Giles, before he could stop himself. "You can't claim all her good features are due to your blood, and there have been notable fighters in my family's past."
Indiana grinned, that magnetic flash of white against his tanned face. "Yeah, I know. I'm looking at two right now. Three if you count Dawn."
"I'd totally count me -- Giles is more like a dad than Hank Summers ever bothered to be," said Dawn. "So... you're not going to do anything stupid like try not to care about her, or dump her on Indiana and run away, right?" Giles wondered when Dawn had learned to read him so accurately, and how she'd missed that it was already far too late for him to take either of those courses.
"I think, as they say, that ship has sailed," Indiana said. "You're right, though, the kid needs a name. I've got no objections to Joy. You have any suggestions, Ripper?"
"Joy sounds fine to me," said Giles, cradling his daughter in his arms -- cradling Joy. He offered her a finger, which she tried to gnaw on; the lack of teeth impeded her success. Then he shot a crooked grin at Indiana. "Besides, I think 'Bewildered Confusion' is a bit unwieldy for a name, and that's the other emotion I feel at the moment."
Indiana didn't kiss him -- perhaps in deference to Dawn and Joy -- but his smile promised the world.
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End of Story
---------------------------------------------
And yes, I realize that this sounds like a set-up for a terrible Mary-Sue epic, but I don't really care because A) I am not continuing the story, B) it fits thematically into the whole BtVS mythos, and C) frankly, Mary-Sues are made more in the execution than the idea.
Buffy is hard to write. Did I screw her up too badly?