merry F-ing xmas
hey all, havnt updated in a while, dont neeed to, i guess i only write in here when i feel like i need to get somthing off my chest. its after xmas xmas was ok.no one has money, so xmas wasnt that good.well it was one perspective of xmas that wasnt good, still got to see lots of my family, i found out some new stuff. my aunt was pregnat, i wasnt told that till after the baby died after it was born. but i found out somthing else, i guess the kid was black because shes dating a, i hate this word but a nigger. there is a difference between one and a black guy. i dont mind black people at all. but the guy that was the father of the baby, of my aunts that died, is married and has a wife and a kid...WTF!?!?!. hes in jail now,hmmm wow whats up with that, drug dealer, he steals. but ya i was just informed of this yeterday. but theres been some stuff happending between my family and my aunt and i figured it out. and ya. that was it, its just, how dumb could my aunt be?.hung out with my old bud john yesterday that was fun. his dads awsome we bsed alot when he was sleeping. me and jackie i dunno.somthing just set off about her that shouldnt even have bothered her but it did, and it bothered me because i spent alot of extra time, and did alot of special stuff for her, and then it comes back to me not. w/e just not gonna get into it, so now i told her i will just stop doing everything special for her, and i havnt talked to anyone latly, xmas was pretty shitty, one of the most shitties xmas i remember, not alot of people showed up, no one was really in the xmas mood. my dad was in a bad mood almost all xmas, just was crap really, one of the worst xmas's i remember. i had a really weird dream, about gigi. i dunno i dreamt she was at my school, but it was like she never lived in flordia, and ya. i dunno it was weird. but i talked to her today. i was actually quite afraid to msg her. because, how she said she didnt want me talking to her basicly every again because she didnt want or need anything from me. i said hi and i said just msging to wish u a happy xmas and a good new year and she said thx, and i said. sorry for bothering you, and signed off. not really talking but she didnt complely blow me out of the water. i just hate myself. why do i still cling to her? cling to the person, that just doesnt want anything to do with me, just want to talk to the person who cant even be my friend.just to want somthing fromt he person that dont want anything from me. but i got these people. that care so much for me, and i just, shit on them, treat them terrible. i just hate myself. how can people say im a good friend. it just agrivates me. i could have a gf. i could be with people i wanna be with around her, but just she was so much to me, she was just such a big part of my life, when she left my life, it felt like a family member died. i was lost in my life for a long time. how pathetic am i? my lifes going down the shitter,because of a girl that lives in flordia. ...its jsut she was my life, my everything for 4 months of my life. i just remember that night. just wish vince didnt walk me home. so that that i would have just been stabbed, laid there to die. made things easier. she would have cried for a day, but then things would have went back to normal for her. instead of having to deal with me being a dick to her because she wants to have a real life.i just want her to be my friend, maybe actually talk to her once in a while. off that subject. meaghan, poor girl, she quit guards, basicly its been her life for so long, and she quit, to be with her mom who got dignost with cancer again. and she has to give her mom medicine and stuff. shes a strong girl, i feel so sorry for her, =-\ porr girl. well i think im done. witht his whole thing. just wanting a kiss, maybe needing a hug, only wanting to feel loved. peace sweet dreams all love ya tons
Tyler
Tyler