It's a hit!
I find myself in a juxtaposition of feelings and words, having completed a semester of school successfully and looking forward (or past) another semester approaching consisting of double the classes, and dealing with my own daily personal and public crisis and problems. It seems like the past month or so has been filled with bad luck, or perhaps a 'Gods' ways of attempting to show me my weakness and futility by basing my faith and joy on earthly pleasures. As if that isnt enough, when material possessions foil me at every corner, i now am growing to feel like my long distance relationship is withering away in front of my eyes and theres nothing i can do, out of spite or just because im too oppressed to feel otherwise. Our time together is always wonderful, but now just the 2 to 3 weeks in between that seem to grow into shittiness. I havent really talked with my girlfriend in the past few days, and i didnt even say goodnite to her before bed last nite, something weve done forever since our beginning times of talking. the new years is fast approaching, and i find myself alone and apprehensive, a new year about to be ushered in, whether id like it or not. a new year, bringing in more days of solitude, loneliness and repitition.
At every turn possible positive plans become also rans, moments of defining positivity turned negative by the weakly fueled energy of motivation and hopefulness. I see our talks of possible time spent together this summer, time that could give us a glimpse of the future, our supposed future together, shattered by the reality that seems to haunt as at every corner. Now, its 5 hours away at best. and even then its not a given. with my "bad luck" shell end up in houston and ill be alone without her all summer long. how much does a person have to deal with?
i go to work to be harrassed by customer and my own staff, other people with no happinesses, bringing others down for no reason. i go there with a smile on my face, and sometimes leave with a scowl. just tonight some woman was screaming at me so much over a 2 dollar coupon that i had to yell at her to keep her voice down. but thats ok; thats the norm for people, and the norm for how i am treated. people have no considerations, no respect for others it seems. they are so sure that their negativity will bring you down, and you know what, they win. i am now a depressed and broken man. life has taken me down with it. im dejected and wasted, and no one cares. people around me claim to care, but no one has really gone and attempted to truly cheer me up. im dodged avoided and just left behind. but thats the story of my life.
a manifesto for living. for living the sean life. as i wake up tomrrow morning, off to a job i hate, where i dont make enough to pay for school and live, and look forward to a week ahead, wondering what will transpire between my girlfriend and i, what new drama will unfold. as i look forward, to school, with my expenses piling up, a schedule thats deemed impossible by anyones standards (6 classes plus 40 hours work week) doing those extra classes for sara, possibly to find us not even together then, just because of how life is and i always get the short end of the stick. and to find myself ground into the very mortar of banality and repetition, slowly etching out my own death in the deepest recesses of my mind.
my manifesto isnt meant as a means of calling attention to my plight or emotional situation. No, if you were anybody worth anythign to me, you could find this out easily enough. but you choose not to. instead this is merely a vehicle for letting out some frustration and doubt and worry. worry about every aspect of my life. because nothing about me is stable or wonderful right now. and somehow i dont think it ever be any different
At every turn possible positive plans become also rans, moments of defining positivity turned negative by the weakly fueled energy of motivation and hopefulness. I see our talks of possible time spent together this summer, time that could give us a glimpse of the future, our supposed future together, shattered by the reality that seems to haunt as at every corner. Now, its 5 hours away at best. and even then its not a given. with my "bad luck" shell end up in houston and ill be alone without her all summer long. how much does a person have to deal with?
i go to work to be harrassed by customer and my own staff, other people with no happinesses, bringing others down for no reason. i go there with a smile on my face, and sometimes leave with a scowl. just tonight some woman was screaming at me so much over a 2 dollar coupon that i had to yell at her to keep her voice down. but thats ok; thats the norm for people, and the norm for how i am treated. people have no considerations, no respect for others it seems. they are so sure that their negativity will bring you down, and you know what, they win. i am now a depressed and broken man. life has taken me down with it. im dejected and wasted, and no one cares. people around me claim to care, but no one has really gone and attempted to truly cheer me up. im dodged avoided and just left behind. but thats the story of my life.
a manifesto for living. for living the sean life. as i wake up tomrrow morning, off to a job i hate, where i dont make enough to pay for school and live, and look forward to a week ahead, wondering what will transpire between my girlfriend and i, what new drama will unfold. as i look forward, to school, with my expenses piling up, a schedule thats deemed impossible by anyones standards (6 classes plus 40 hours work week) doing those extra classes for sara, possibly to find us not even together then, just because of how life is and i always get the short end of the stick. and to find myself ground into the very mortar of banality and repetition, slowly etching out my own death in the deepest recesses of my mind.
my manifesto isnt meant as a means of calling attention to my plight or emotional situation. No, if you were anybody worth anythign to me, you could find this out easily enough. but you choose not to. instead this is merely a vehicle for letting out some frustration and doubt and worry. worry about every aspect of my life. because nothing about me is stable or wonderful right now. and somehow i dont think it ever be any different