[Thread] - The makeup's all off

[waterfell]

Characters: AU: Uchiha Sasuke, OU: Mizuno Ami [PGSM]
Where: ??? Mystery!
When:
after Mercury's recent entry and
after Jadeite crashes the party
Summary: Mercury needs comfort. Aww, Sasuke is right there. Wut?
Warnings: possible angst

Comments

[embalmment]

Things were always like this. Of what he remembered, it was how they were. He remembered that it was always the women doing the cleaning and the cooking. That was how things were in his family. It was very rare that a woman had awoken the sharingan as well. It was how things were, but they didn't have to be. Especially here. Mercury was not his partner, or anything of the sort. She was a friend . . . He was pretty certain that Mercury had the power to choose her own actions - whatever the motives.

A reason why the cursed seal didn't settle with him. Why did he let that happen? She wanted it and he stood by her decision. Ami was right though. Orochimaru hit a sore spot of hers, and she didn't need it. And Sasuke was bitter and angry.

His eyes turned down to the plate again and he too began to eat silently. When she thanked him, he nodded in responce.

"You're welcome," he said quietly, 'you should take care of yourself before anything and anyone else' never came out. What a hypocritical statement that would have been.

A soft inhale.

The cursed seal only came out when you wanted it to. When you used it. It was an addictive sorce of power though. The more you used it, the more it took, the more you wanted to use it. But Sasuke had broken that chain. Mercury could too. Or she could simply not use it. You didn't have to use it. She didn't have to use it. He didn't believe that she needed to. So she didn't need to. If she decided that she didn't need to.

Like her, though, he didn't know how to say it, or if it should have even been said at this moment. So he ate and drank in silence.

[waterfell]

She had a traditional mindset in some ways. That happened when you had a past life that stretched for centuries, and when you'd lived all but one year of your current life as a quiet girl. Although the years between the destruction and the reawakening of the sailor senshi and shitennou were blank to her, Mercury remembered the ways of the very distant past. That in itself set her apart; even in her world only three or four people seemed to truly have those memories.

To her, it was the simple fact that Sasuke had been there, that meant everything. When Orochimaru had come, he had been there. She had somehow had the impression Sasuke would have supported - fought for, if need be - her decisions. He was here in this apartment now, taking care of her. He'd done everything for her. Yes, she had total trust in him. All of that, that was what she'd really been thanking him for.

More silence grew. It made her feel very much like her former self, somehow, that girl who never knew how to express herself or what to say.

"What was it like for you, before you had the seal?" she finally asked. What she really wanted to know was whether it could be compared with Metalia, that separation of selves, changing of self, 'rebirth'. Was there a counterpart for him that was as different as Mercury's was to her - just by virtue of a decision, a moment in time?

[embalmment]

He would have stepped in if she decided against it. He would have, and that was definate.

Coals looked up for a moment as she asked that question. He picked up the cut of warm tea after pouring a little more and brought it to his lips. What was it like. What was he like? He took a sip and set it down before responding.

"Addressing..? Myself personally, or myself physically?"

Or something else?

[waterfell]

She hadn't really thought out the question, had she? It was part just wanting to know more about this boy, but it was also wanting to know more about herself. And it was an opening to telling him, or trying to tell him, what she'd been thinking. Let them talk. Get his advice.

"Both of those," she said. After all, everyone knew she always wanted to know everything.

[embalmment]

"before the seal, I was seeking power," he answered after a moment of silence, "after the seal, I was refining my power."

It was the best way he could explain it.

The seal only made what was more solid in his mind. His direction; what he was; who he was; what he needed to do. All of those things were given a firm ground. They were no longer debateable or questionable. They became concrete. They were questions finally answered. So he thought, or pushed himself to believe.

"The physical changes I have endured are not caused by the seal."

[waterfell]

She would have understood those thoughts. Metalia's energy, Kunzite's influence, Mercury sought those things despite her resentments because they had exactly those same - she felt she must believe, as he did - effects. Everything became much clearer and, for her at least, confusion receded.

But then he was talking about physical changes. She knew some of what was happening to him - it was hard to live in close quarters and remain ignorant - but she didn't know nearly all. She took the opportunity to ask. "Then the cause, what is it?"

[embalmment]

"Many," he answered - but added, "nothing you need to worry about."

It was, more or less, true. The things that had altered his body had little to do with the cursed seal if not anything. She did not need to know why the seal was at last effecting him, or what it was doing to him. At least, Sasuke would believe it was not neccessary for her personal knowledge.

He finished up the last bit of his food before neatly placing his sticks down.

"Its not about me, Mercury," he finally spoke again after a moment of silence. His eyes rose towards the female accross him, and he brought the warm cup to his lips for another small sip.

So than, is the seal your concern or is your concern something more general? Power. He recalled her having that feeling of being lost and directionless.

[waterfell]

She had been trying to take away the focus on herself. Of course she had been. And of course Sasuke had noticed. He knew her far too well. There was a half-moment of near panic at that very idea.

He was saying he'd listen to her, and he was Sasuke who she trusted. The panic subsided just as it had begun.

In the Dark Kingdom, we don't have all of our memories. I wonder what else I might be missing. I never had friends before then - only, I'm not sure if that's true. People have told me differently and if I have friends now, they might be right. When they make me feel like I can't change, I don't know why that bothers me. Do I want to be different? I was different before. I didn't like that life. I don't know if I like this one, either.

There was no way to coherently say all of those conflicting and entangled ideas. In the end, Mercury returned to the reason she'd been asking those questions.

"They say our personalities change because of Metalia. My counterpart, she's probably more like I was then."

[embalmment]

Lost. Confuesed in direction. Who am I really? How to explain such a thing; explain his beliefs. Sasuke knew that confuesion to some degree. Yet that, 'this is who you are and what you should be like' was not exactly a pressure he had upon himself as much as it were almost innate to his personality. Ingrained into the fibers of his being: Uchiha. His choices and direction were what had become tangible - and his opinions and beliefs, they too grew and changed. Some more than others.

He let that panic rise and fall as it would and calmly filled her cup with tea. To distract, to sooth, to drink. The kettle was placed back down and he listened. After she had spoken his eyes returned back up to the girl. Like I was than. And that was than, wasn't it? Than which wasn't now.

Sasuke took a short moment before resonding just that way.

"What you were than," he repeated, and went no further yet. He allowed her to continue.

[waterfell]

Mercury took the tea, and a close observation might have noticed the grip was tighter than it should be. She was still unsure of herself in this sort of situation. The warmth soothed her as she looked back across at Sasuke.

Somehow, she felt like she could say it. It was factual, simple, with little commentary as Mercury told her story, interspersed with sips of tea or responses to anything Sasuke said. It backtracked at times, glided ahead smoothly at others, jerked forwards in fits and starts at still others.

It was a story, predictably, of uncertainty and confusion.

'What she was then'. She'd been known as Jyuuban's genius. Everyone around her classified her as 'a good kid'; 'our always-gentle Ami-chan'. She was studying with the intent - she did not speak of dreams anymore as a rule - of becoming a doctor.

One of the Dark Kingdom's generals - Kunzite - had found and attacked her; she did not say 'alone' because that would be understood by the lack of mention of any other combatants on either side. That was how she'd gone to the Dark Kingdom.

She had never felt she had truly been the person they - family, schoolmates, teachers - had thought. Somehow the energy from Metalia made it easy to act on those resentments, to hate.

One of those resentments: She'd said no. In the very beginning, she'd said no to Usagi. She'd been forced to become Sailormercury because of an attack by Jadeite. But, she accepted herself as a senshi now - leaving her alignment aside for the moment.

In the Dark Kingdom, she'd learned things she'd never known about their past. In Econtra, she'd learned even more. Everything she learned, as she learned it just served to confirm the viewpoints she'd been exposed to regarding her world's war. She wasn't sure if she resented them in light of that, or if she'd stopped.

Usagi. Usagi had been her best friend, the person she'd most resented (a more detached listener might have understood 'envied'), the one who'd destroyed that world, the one who kept trying for her even though they were enemies like this. She didn't know if she wanted that girl's death or if that was just those influences; she'd begun to look for other solutions. Very few people knew that.

She had memories sometimes, memories that didn't make sense to her thinking. Sometimes they were different from the memories she accepted, sometimes they seemed to overlap as though superimposed on each other, leaving her uncertain what might be the truth; she was unsure of trusting either.

But 'can't change'... That was what she was always told there - there, in the Dark Kingdom. When she heard it, she hated it. Hearing it here in Econtra had made her resent - resent everything, everyone. It meant 'trapped', she didn't say.

[embalmment]

He listened to her story. Some of it was familiar and some of it was not. Some things were similar and some things were not. Unlike Mercury, Sasuke was not forced in to anything. An event in his life had given him the desire to pursue what it was he pursued: revenge. In that he sought power. In that he slowly stopped caring in which was he received it. Such a thing would only limit your abilities. In his mind he had to breach what was right or wrong. At first he had a firm grasp on 'good' and on 'evil' but it slowly began to murge. And gradually he has found that there was no such thing in the world - or rather that everything had its sides of good, and evil. Nothing was completely on or the other. Gradualy he had found that he couldn't tell if his methods were right or wrong, and he also found that he didn't care. That nothing mattered but fulfilling that end, and things that did seep in to the cracks here and there would be taken down. But there were those reminessing feelings. Those people once called friends. Those little pieces which had disappeared along the way and left their mark. Left their ash there for you to know that there was once something there. Left you wondering around searching for it.

None of this came from his lips however. It was mere introspection as he listened. He wasn't quite sure what to say to all of that. What exactly she was looking for other than herself. He couldn't do anything that would help her find herself, and neither could anyone else.

"He wanted you to think on this," Sasuke finally spoke, "Shikamaru."

Sasuke paused for a moment before continuing, "when I recieved the cursed seal, that power made me seek more. I cut the ties of everything I once had and left everything, and everyone behind. Just for that end. But what he doesn't realize, what no one seem's to realize, is that it would have happened anyway. In one way or another I would have realized that it was something I needed to do alone," It wasn't a place I wanted anyone else to descend to, "That in the end, no one had control over me and my decisions; that who Orochimaru thought I was, and who the people in Konoha thought I was, they were both right, and wrong."

[waterfell]

He listened to her story. And so Mercury listened to Sasuke. The things he wasn't saying, those would have reminded her of the Dark Kingdom's view, of the view she believed...wanted to believe... felt she should believe... felt she should want to believe...

He wanted you to think on this. Her expression darkened. So Shikamaru had not been testing her abilities with the cursed seal. He had been trying to manipulate her. She was coldly furious again. But the expression faded in favor of what Sasuke was saying next.

It was at least five sips of tea before she spoke again. She was listening, and what he was saying, to her, was: You're both. And it was such a simple solution. It took away the need for answers, freed her to ignore any pressure or assumptions from others because they would not point towards one answer or the other.

However, there was the literal hold Kunzite had over her. As long as she couldn't break that, was she being authentic to act under it? Had he liberated a part of her she had been suppressing, or had he inflicted something on her she hadn't wanted?

I'm not a good person. Those words, to Mars, so long ago now, before she'd ever taken a single step towards the Dark Kingdom itself. He had only liberated what she'd been repressing. However, to squash down the softer feelings she sometimes still had - concern for Nephrite, appreciation and admiration for Sasuke, thankfulness towards the people who had befriended her here - wasn't that also repressing something that was her if she accepted 'you're both'? It was back to the original, central question.

Strange that both ways, she had the same desire: She wished she could be more confident in herself.

She was going to start trying to do that.

Mercury nodded then, both to Sasuke and to those internal thoughts. "You're saying both," she said directly. Then the other stumbling block to that idea struck her as her mind tripped over it: "And my world's war?" Those facets of herself had different allegiances. It was hardly as if she could suddenly fight for both.

Then the answer to that came to her: "Whatever I believe about the war. In a question of why I'll fight and what I'll fight for, the rest of that is irrelevant, isn't it?"

[embalmment]

Sasuke had caught that look. He didn't particularely want to defend Shikamaru, but what he was trying to get across was... a familiar sentiment. On that he had endured time and time over from a certain blonde. And it was a hilarious idea that here was Sasuke explaining such a thing. The irony.

There was little doubt that Shikamaru was in fact testing her abilities. That had not changed. It was an important thing to know: the effects and strength gained from the seal. It was simply not the only reason. He hate likely noted how similat in temperment both Sasuke and Mercury were.

"He cares, Mercury," was what he intervened with, "and he doesn't want to see you go down the path that I did."

Sasuke paused remembering, she wont end up like me. - You bet she wont. It was funny, wasn't it. How that went beyond him at first as well. The Uchiha picked up his cup of tea and he spoke a little quieter, "so you could see that you had people who cared, and supported you."

What he was saying was: she was both. She had no need to look to other people for answers of who she was. Perhaps some of them were right and perhaps some of them were wrong. When it came down to it, she was what she decided she were. So those opinions of who she was were little pieces of her that others saw - admireable, or flawed. Collectively she was whole a person, not one or another.

"Exactly," he confirmed to both observations that were extroverted by the younger woman. "Your decisions are your own."

[waterfell]

She accepted Shikamaru only enough not to chase after him. What happened was his choice, for the time being: If he left her alone, she'd do the same, but if he attacked again, she'd surely answer it. That was all.

He wasn't worth more.

So you could see... No. That wasn't it. It had been so he could manipulate her desire for that. There was a strong urge to shut down completely, tune Sasuke out, possibly even shout at him for even suggesting this and leave the room. Mercury did not know what she believed about the people who stood close to her here. She did not intend to let that trash decide it for her.

But this time, those thoughts didn't show. She was past acting out on them. Instead, the blue-haired girl focused on that last remark. Your decisions are your own. She liked that idea.

For a moment, she wanted to ask it: And Kunzite? It was hard to tell what Sasuke knew or guessed about her. Because of their similarities, because she was open to him (a totally open personality... suddenly Mercury realized Kunzite had possibly meant to him, not a general comment) From her earlier words, she realized now it wasn't inconceivable Sasuke already realized the existence of that part of her connection to that man.

Instead, she looked away silently. Looked down, slightly. Considering. Reflecting. How does someone tell what they want, to make those decisions?

When she looked back at Sasuke, it was to say: "Somehow, I trust you." A friendship like Shikamaru had wanted her to see. A connection of her own. A decision she'd made that she had made totally for herself and by herself without outside influences, over time. It was a comment relevant to everything they'd been discussing.

[embalmment]

She thought just like he would. Those feelings only confuesed people and kept them from what they decided as important. People like that only aimed to shape you in to what they wanted to believe you were. They only wanted to pull out those things that you didn't want to see - or those things that you didn't want to pursue. Or they would simply just frustrate and blind you. If she screemed at him for saying thing than he wouldn't have been shocked. He would have done the same. He would have brushed it off and made some haughty or sarcastic remark on how pathetic such an action were. In some degree's he believed it was. But what he believed about the action wasn't important as to what the action meant which was what he relayed.

They were silent again. He had nothing further to say, or even knew what to say. If he needed to say anything. Until Mercury spoke once again. She spoke of trust. And somehow that left him wordless once more. Not gapingly so, but without something to respond. For a moment he stared at her. Not intensely, but he looked almost curious; because at that moment where she had said this he realized that he too trusted her in return. Rather something more important than that: he believed in her.

He too looked away - eyes cast off to the side and downward.

[waterfell]

She knew that response. He was unsure of what to say - no, he was even unsure of if to say. Mercury already knew, too, that he had confidence in her far surpassing her own confidence in herself. He had been the one to believe she could command in the battle against the Entropi, and her team had performed well. He believed... well, he believed in her. She'd known that from back then, when that very fight had just been approaching.

However, had Sasuke said the words, she would have only seen them in that context; she would not have been considering the possibility of him deciding whether he 'believed in her' in the sense of trusting her friendship. She either took it for granted, or considered it a thing too precious to simply hope for; she would not have been sure which.

The younger girl was content with the conversation as it had been, but she found herself reluctant to end it or leave. She temporized, pouring herself another cup of tea and refilling Sasuke's as a polite gesture afterwards. She glanced into hers, and then over its rim at her companion.

'Content', she kept using that word to herself. But the truth was, she was using it to hide another word, a word she was frightened to admit lest it disappear: She was happy right here, right now.