Emptiness
...I've been at college for less than 3 days and I'm already sick of it. I can't stand so many people here...I try and be nice, but they just grate on my nerves. I guess my whole anti-socialness factor has been amplified by my solitary stay in Madrid which I am missing so much. There's particular people that I depend on being around to bring me out of my solitariness and loneliness nowdays and to be honest, only one of the three is anywhere around me at the moment. I guess everyone has the feeling that no-one understands them, but it's not all like that for me. It's more of the I don't want anyone to know too much about me. Does that seem weird to people? Probably, but I'm starting to retreat further and further into my shell, even from people who I know care for me, probably the opposite of most people to go to collge. Sure I still talk to everyone, and laugh and smile at many things, but I can't seem to do it as often as before. It doesn't make me sad, it just makes me feel empty. It seems that so many things pass by in such a blur, things that I should be excited about or should be enjoying are just another checkpoint in the sequence of events that make up my life.
When I look at how my life will probably turn out, I don't see how I can make much of a contribution to the world. I've just been studying. Studying up until year 12, getting great results, in three and a half years I'll graduate from university, probably get honours, I'll get a stable job doing something chemical-engineering related, and will probably marry and have kids, raise those kids - probably into spoilt brats - and then I'll die and nothing of mention would have happened my whole life. I know that I'm only 18 and that 'I've got my whole life ahead of me", but I've got no goals in life. No real interests, no real hobbies, nothing that I'm exeptionally good at. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, but it's just at the moment it makes me feel.......empty.
Call me emo or whatever, but I don't think this is quite depression, this is just me not caring at the moment.
When I look at how my life will probably turn out, I don't see how I can make much of a contribution to the world. I've just been studying. Studying up until year 12, getting great results, in three and a half years I'll graduate from university, probably get honours, I'll get a stable job doing something chemical-engineering related, and will probably marry and have kids, raise those kids - probably into spoilt brats - and then I'll die and nothing of mention would have happened my whole life. I know that I'm only 18 and that 'I've got my whole life ahead of me", but I've got no goals in life. No real interests, no real hobbies, nothing that I'm exeptionally good at. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, but it's just at the moment it makes me feel.......empty.
Call me emo or whatever, but I don't think this is quite depression, this is just me not caring at the moment.