(no subject)
sometimes i know what i mean, even when i can't put it into words. i fight with myself sometimes, because words are harder than what's in my head. to project myself on a screen would be much easier...for me at least. the only mouth i have, i am stuck with. sometimes that's better, sometimes it's worse. my mouth is useless, the pictures and sounds in my head being more fruitful and meaningful, even if i'm the only one that plays nicely with them sometimes. i struggle and scream and fight to get myself over correctly. rarely does it work, but we try hard, even if in vain. still, if we dwell on what won't come out, we'll never get out the little things we really should. sometimes i win the fight and manage to get it all out in front. sometimes i lose. duality is normal and necessary, despite its inefficientness and the conflict it likes to cause.
sometimes life is exceedingly uplifting, despite the stars plummeting to the ground at maximum speed. they crash and explode all around in full view, but we carefully step around them, unconsciously. we know that sometimes all we can do is laugh and be happy and excited, because the fight drains everything else out. that's good. get rid of the bad things. throw them away, or at least sweep them under the rug for awhile. at least until we can come back more collected. or not at all. maniacal laughing and panicky happiness and the manic-ness of everything. it's best to let go at times and just latch onto that, because it does make us feel better, because it's so bitter but there's nothing left of our sadness or regret or what we wished had happened or what we had done differently. all of those feelings hide for awhile, so as not to kill us. because they would eventually.
i can understand a great many things. the universe is not one of them. it's another fight unto itself, but one that i doubt i'll win until i lay down to die. and maybe not then, either. we are each a universe. and we can't understand each other, hard as we may try. my heart weeps sometimes because of that. but it doesn't stop beating, even though there are times when it might feel better. i am a universe. i don't even understand myself most of the time, even though i know exactly what i mean at all times. different minds all on a collision course in the same head. and tearing my hair out does no good, and it's not good for me. so i try to be part of "this", knowing that i never really will be. but i'm not supposed to be. i know that and have always known that, from the second i was born. only "here" is myself, my body, a currency. out "there", i need none. but i can't buy my way into that, and i've never tried and never had any illusion that i could. it has to be earned, so i fight for it. i fight against "this" and myself, because it holds me back. and it may all be for naught, but i can hope that's not the case. hope makes perfect sense, even when it doesn't seem to make any at a particular moment. i am driven to fight it though, even if my body gives up at times. it is not well and tries to fight back. but it is mine, and it is the one sure thing that i cannot lose against, as much as it puts into it. i know it better now, and moreso as i get older, even if it lies to me (which it likes to do.)
i haven't seen this facet for a long time. almost two years. but it is comfortable and we like it. it seems to like to sleep for awhile, sometimes a year or two on end. and that's okay. it needs to rest up, only barely waking at times to say hello. we always say hello back, even if we don't get a response. that's okay too.
because i am awake again. and there is more fighting against the "all" and we are happy because we're alive.