Inside Out
Gah, im so sick of being poor. I always seem to have just enough money and nothing more. The only thing im blessed with is apparently good luck cause whenever something bad happens i always seem to just produce the money to cover it right at the nick of time. Of course, some would say its bad luck that i don't have the money on hand in the first place. Ever since i started my new job, which hasn't been long, I feel more eager to work. I'm tempted to pick up a shift tomorow cause i can't stand my days off anymore. Talk about wasting time.
Today i had to get a new copy of my social security card cause i can't find mine for the life of me. I honestly don't think of terrorism very often unless someone brings it up in conversation, or maybe im watching the news, but it crossed my mind quite a bit while i was standing in line at the SS office. SOOO many people from different countries standing in line with backpacks and turbans and such and me, being bored as hell for the 30 min wait, started to let my mind wander. What if one of them decided to blow up an agency today while i just happened to be there. The funny part is, i didn't really give a shit from any discriminatory or political perspective, i just had to laugh at how bad my luck would have to be if the one time in my whole life i visit that place and it gets blown up. I started wondering what its actually like when a bomb goes off right next to you. Of course its bloody and probably kills you, but do you get even a moment to completely appreciate the fact that your about to die? I can't seem to decide if its better to have that moment of realiziation or for it all to simply end without a clue.
When i was younger i used to visualize painfull accidents happening to me alot to the point that it was quite distracting. If i just let my mind roll on its own i would think about falling from a building over and over, or maybe tripping and falling on a spike. I haven't really thought of that in so long but for some reason its coming back to me now. One particular scenario that stuck with me was me leaning over a spiked iron fence and slipping and impaling myself. I used to wonder if maybe i was seeing my own death but i managed to put it out of my mind and so far so good :P Since then i have taught myself to tunnel my thoughts so i can just concentrate on the one thing i either need to concentrate on, or something that isnt as tortuous. But, i have always had a very restless mind. Its too bad there isnt an off button u can just push now and then when you need to. Don't get me wrong, not all of its bad, I can multitask like no other and it really helps for doing math quickly in my head.
Anyways, i have blabbed on longer than i ever have here in an attempt to open up a little to myself. Maybe it will get easier the next time.
Today i had to get a new copy of my social security card cause i can't find mine for the life of me. I honestly don't think of terrorism very often unless someone brings it up in conversation, or maybe im watching the news, but it crossed my mind quite a bit while i was standing in line at the SS office. SOOO many people from different countries standing in line with backpacks and turbans and such and me, being bored as hell for the 30 min wait, started to let my mind wander. What if one of them decided to blow up an agency today while i just happened to be there. The funny part is, i didn't really give a shit from any discriminatory or political perspective, i just had to laugh at how bad my luck would have to be if the one time in my whole life i visit that place and it gets blown up. I started wondering what its actually like when a bomb goes off right next to you. Of course its bloody and probably kills you, but do you get even a moment to completely appreciate the fact that your about to die? I can't seem to decide if its better to have that moment of realiziation or for it all to simply end without a clue.
When i was younger i used to visualize painfull accidents happening to me alot to the point that it was quite distracting. If i just let my mind roll on its own i would think about falling from a building over and over, or maybe tripping and falling on a spike. I haven't really thought of that in so long but for some reason its coming back to me now. One particular scenario that stuck with me was me leaning over a spiked iron fence and slipping and impaling myself. I used to wonder if maybe i was seeing my own death but i managed to put it out of my mind and so far so good :P Since then i have taught myself to tunnel my thoughts so i can just concentrate on the one thing i either need to concentrate on, or something that isnt as tortuous. But, i have always had a very restless mind. Its too bad there isnt an off button u can just push now and then when you need to. Don't get me wrong, not all of its bad, I can multitask like no other and it really helps for doing math quickly in my head.
Anyways, i have blabbed on longer than i ever have here in an attempt to open up a little to myself. Maybe it will get easier the next time.