oh my oh my
it is raining something awful today
i have worked for the past 3 days straight and i have work again today.
both yesterday and the day before i had an anxiety attack. the first day it only half happened and i was hyperventilating for about two hours and i was a nervous angry wreck the rest of the day. the second day as soon as i started to feel it happen i did everything i could to stop it which, since i couldnt listen to music or do anything but walk around the room and work, meant i was humming the same 3 lines of a song over and over again and opening and closing a hairclip as i walked for 3 or 4 hours before i was able to calm down even a little.
i find it really annoying how im expected to function enough to do things yet every time i need to stop so that i can, im not allowed to. and then they all get mad when i cant work as well as they want me to.
i was talking to my dad while i was trying to stop and went 'relax! you just need to relax!' and got all pissed off at me. later when i tried to explain to him that he needed to stop doing that because it made it worse, he got even madder because i 'need to find a way to stop acting like that'.
thank you, dad. that is exactly what i need to do. why havent i though of that before?
he doesnt seem to understand that i cant just box up everything that happens to me like he can. like im sorry his dad was a shitty asshole who taught him to not have emotions and to just keep working no matter what (even when he burns half the fucking skin off his arm or cuts himself so badly he needs stitches i mean seriously), but i am not him. i cannot do that. the more i force these attacks to stop, the shakier i get and the easier it is for something to trigger another one and it takes days and days to recover from this. i mean, if i let it happen im still really shaky and likely to start up again at the drop of a hat but at least done its done i can recover after a few hours. im trying my best to stop feeling things and stop thinking about things, which i why i listen to music 24/7 unless im at work where i cant hide the headphones, but its really difficult. im so angry at everything all the time and even the little things i used to be able to ignore irritate me so badly i cant hardly stand them.
i dont know.
the bell's rung for class to start so i guess i'll just post this now.
im not looking forward to the rest of the day, not even a little.
i have worked for the past 3 days straight and i have work again today.
both yesterday and the day before i had an anxiety attack. the first day it only half happened and i was hyperventilating for about two hours and i was a nervous angry wreck the rest of the day. the second day as soon as i started to feel it happen i did everything i could to stop it which, since i couldnt listen to music or do anything but walk around the room and work, meant i was humming the same 3 lines of a song over and over again and opening and closing a hairclip as i walked for 3 or 4 hours before i was able to calm down even a little.
i find it really annoying how im expected to function enough to do things yet every time i need to stop so that i can, im not allowed to. and then they all get mad when i cant work as well as they want me to.
i was talking to my dad while i was trying to stop and went 'relax! you just need to relax!' and got all pissed off at me. later when i tried to explain to him that he needed to stop doing that because it made it worse, he got even madder because i 'need to find a way to stop acting like that'.
thank you, dad. that is exactly what i need to do. why havent i though of that before?
he doesnt seem to understand that i cant just box up everything that happens to me like he can. like im sorry his dad was a shitty asshole who taught him to not have emotions and to just keep working no matter what (even when he burns half the fucking skin off his arm or cuts himself so badly he needs stitches i mean seriously), but i am not him. i cannot do that. the more i force these attacks to stop, the shakier i get and the easier it is for something to trigger another one and it takes days and days to recover from this. i mean, if i let it happen im still really shaky and likely to start up again at the drop of a hat but at least done its done i can recover after a few hours. im trying my best to stop feeling things and stop thinking about things, which i why i listen to music 24/7 unless im at work where i cant hide the headphones, but its really difficult. im so angry at everything all the time and even the little things i used to be able to ignore irritate me so badly i cant hardly stand them.
i dont know.
the bell's rung for class to start so i guess i'll just post this now.
im not looking forward to the rest of the day, not even a little.