Ignis Fatuus
Titl Ignis Fatuus
Parin Kurt/Blaine
Warning Angst, spoilers for 4x11 - Sadie Hawkins, vague reference to a homophobic attack
Rating PG
Fandom: lee
Summar 4x11 episode coda. Kurt and Blaine think about school, friends, the past, and the future
Ignis Fatuus - Blaine
Blaine fights to hide his panic as his protests to the Sadie Hawkins Dance fall on deaf ears while simultaneously hating himself for wanting to stop something that makes Tina look so happy. But it is that dance. When Tina keeps talking, explaining why it is important, Blaine wishes he could share in her enthusiasm, but slurs echo in his ears rather than music, and instead of decorations he sees fists and cold pavement.
In that moment, he would have given anything to have Kurt with him. But Kurt is in New York, finally achieving the dreams he so rightly deserves. And after Blaine’s weakness months before, he has no right to call on Kurt now. They are working toward friendship, talking about classes and Glee and Burt’s health, but Blaine also knows he can’t hide from Kurt; Kurt knows Blaine better than anyone. That knowledge, combined with his caring nature, would make Kurt worry about Blaine: Blaine doesn’t deserve that concern.
He still loves Kurt, he will always love Kurt, and he will wait for the love of his life to grant him the forgiveness he still doesn’t feel he deserves. Kurt will forgive him eventually, Kurt is too kind and they love one another too much for any other eventuality. Then, the dreams they’d discussed in hushed whispers - of shared apartments and grocery lists, of New York lights, of menial jobs leading to Broadway debuts - will become their reality.
That is the future, though. A future where Blaine’s stupid, stupid mistake is in the past and their shattered lives have been put back together, piece by piece, leaving them Kurt-and-Blaine.
They weren’t yet to that point, however, and Blaine will not cause Kurt more pain on his behalf, so Blaine is alone with his thoughts; silent as flashes of nightmarish memories played in his mind.
Still distracted, it takes him a moment to realize that Sam is asking for something. He turns, focusing his attention on his friend, blinking away harsh kicks and hospitals, seeing instead blonde hair and slightly outrageous gestures.
It’s only later that Blaine realizes that his focus on Sam had crowded out the painful memories.
-*-
Tina is still thrilled with the idea of the dance, and it seems to be the only thing discussed in the hallways of McKinley High. Blaine hears whispers in his mind, and focuses on Sam’s smile instead. He knows it isn’t healthy, forcibly ignoring the past by building up unrealistic fantasies in his head.
He’s my closest friend at McKinley, Blaine thinks as he listens to Finn announce the week’s theme. I shouldn’t use him like this. But could it be a crush? Is my imagination strong enough to build this all from nothing? Can I even have a crush on someone while I’m in love with Kurt?
Blaine doesn’t attempt to answer his own questions, instead letting the music of Tina’s song take him away from his conflicted thoughts. He lets himself smile, rocking side to side along with the music, glad to see Tina enjoying herself.
And then Tina asks him to the dance.
Blaine falters as shock consumes him. Blaine, who prides himself on his ability to articulate his feelings - except when Kurt renders me speechless, he thinks - does not know what to say. He doesn’t want to hurt Tina, truly, but neither can he go to another Sadie Hawkins dance.
After floundering, unbecoming of his dapper reputation, he manages to decline Tina’s offer, and then watches as her face falls.
Damn, Blaine thinks, just when I thought this day couldn’t get worse.
*-
Tina finds Blaine in the hall later, of course. Her apology brings back the memories he’s been fighting all day, and so he’s quick to downplay the memory.
I finally have a place to belong without hiding. Better a white lie than pity from my friends.
Friends. Tina, Brittany, Artie, Finn, and Sam.
“I’ve got a crush.”
Blaine tries to evade Tina’s questioning, not wanting to perpetuate the exaggeration, but not wanting to discuss his true feelings, either. He should have known that wouldn’t be enough. Tina is nothing if not persistent.
So he tells Tina about Sam, thinking of distractions and embellishments, and the avoidance of painful memories.
It’s only after Tina had mentioned Kurt that Blaine realizes his mistake. He can’t put on a polite smile and pretend here. Not fully. And he can’t hide his love for Kurt. He’s not that great of an actor.
I won’t force Kurt to rush his decision, but building up feelings for Sam isn’t the answer either. I can’t hide forever, this isn’t Dalton.
Blaine smiles at Tina, glad that in her excitement about his changed decision she fails to see his worry. He continues to hide it later, when the blues of the winter decorations remind him of the flashing lights of police cars. Tina’s well deserved pride at the dance keeps Blaine from showing his panic, but he also pushes thoughts of Kurt from his mind, knowing that if he allows himself to think of Kurt, he won’t be able to resist calling.
It’s then, as he attempts - and fails - to lose himself in a dance after performing on stage, that he sees Sam. Despite his earlier decision to not take advantage of their friendship, Blaine finds himself stealing glances, looking for anything to draw his focus. He remembers poorly done, yet entertaining impressions.
I’m sorry, Blaine thinks as he followed Sam, listening to him argue that the Warblers cheated, I need something else to focus on, and you feel things so strongly, it’s easier to pretend than to remember.
Later, when the shadows flicker in his mind while he’s dancing with Tina, he can’t stop himself from looking at Sam.
I’m sorry, he thinks again, you’re a great friend and I care for you, but I can’t deal with this on my own. And I love Kurt too much to force his hand and risk our future. I just need the distraction, Sam.