Ignis Fatuus
Title Ignis Fatuus
Paring Kurt/Blaine
Warnings Angst, spoilers for 4x11 - Sadie Hawkins, vague reference to a homophobic attack
Rating: PG
Fandom: Glee
Summary 4x11 episode coda. Kurt and Blaine think about school, friends, the past, and the future
Ignis Fatuus - Kurt
Kurt knows that his forever - waking up in a warm bed with his special someone; working at the inevitable crappy job that is the bane of every recent graduate before finally landing the perfect job when someone sees his talent; and then coming home, exhausted or elated depending on his day, to that same special someone, who was waiting in their impeccably decorated apartment (shoebox apartments did not have to be dull), even if the apartment was the size of his old bedroom in Ohio - is Blaine.
He still loves Blaine, knows that Blaine loves him as well, but he’s still so hurt by what Blaine did. And hurt has a way of finding Kurt Hummel and staying beside him like a stray dog. He can try to ignore it, pretend everything is fine and hope it will leave, but then he’ll turn a corner, and there it is, waiting for him once again.
He feels that it shouldn’t be. He’s finally working toward his dream. He is in New York. He has a wonderful job at Vogue.com and Isabelle Wright actually cared about his work. Carmen Tibideaux had given him another audition and now he was going to NYADA.
Unfortunately, all of these wonderful things did not guarantee new friends. He still felt alone more than half the time, especially with Rachel always heading off for one event or another with Brody. And school, he’d had dreams of finally enjoying classes, being surrounded by people that finally understood the beauty of song as well as a perfectly done play.
He realizes now that had been wrong. His classmates had already formed their special cliques, and he was again standing on the sidelines, alone. It was high school all over again, just without the shoves into lockers and slurs in his direction.
So he had looked into extracurriculars, hoping to find a shadow of Glee Club. Of the acceptance he’d found there.
But then Rachel had shot him down.
He’d always known Rachel could be harsh with her words, given her tendency to speak first and think on her words later. He’d hoped she would grow out of that particular habit, obviously he was wrong.
How could she say those things, he thought, after what happened at McKinley? She was just as judgmental and cold as the Cheerios on their worst day.
It was Rachel’s derision that strengthened his resolve to see them perform, actually. If Rachel was becoming more like a Cheerio than surely those she scorned would be more welcoming.
And maybe, if he was lucky, he wouldn’t be alone.
-*-
While Baby Got Back was not a stellar example of choral sound to his trained ears, he could tell that the members were enjoying themselves, and trying. He hadn’t held back his smile when their enthusiasm reminded him of the New Directions jumping around the stage - even if his high school show choir had sounded more unified. He could see himself spending time with these people, a reprieve from Rachel’s increasing arrogance and solipsistic actions.
Adam obviously enjoyed being the center of attention, and he and the rest of the Adam’s Apples prove to be a nice distraction from the loneliness and hurt. Plus, Adam made Kurt laugh, and his remarks let Kurt know they have more than just their school in common.
We could be friends, Kurt thought. And yet, Kurt iswas not proud of making certain he was in places Adam will be. He’s embarrassed. Here he is, Kurt Hummel, following an older student around because he can’t bear to be alone.
Rachel thinks he has he had a crush on someone, and he doesn’t do much to dissuade her suspicion. Others may suspect too, given how often he seems to be in Adam’s company.
But, he thinks to himself, a crush sounds much less pathetic than ‘I know we’re no longer in kindergarten, but would you please, please be my friend?’
He couldn’t hide his shock at the mention of love, though. He’s known he's different than Rachel, even more so now that she’s moved on with Brody, but love was not something he could just change on a whim. Love is family: his father, Carole, Finn. Blaine.
Still, with Rachel always out with Brody, Kurt found he craved company. In New York he has no one besides her, and he realizes he’d been spoiled with glee club. Before glee he was alone more often than not, but after there were Friday night family dinners with two more members, sleepovers with the girls, shopping outings with Mercedes.
Coffee dates with Blaine.
It always came back to Blaine. Blaine, the boy who hurt Kurt in ways he didn’t know were possible. And yet Blaine hadn’t hidden his offence, despite the confession seeming to break him. They were both broken now, shattered by one another. Shattered by loss, by time, by distance. Kurt knew they would grow from this, be stronger than they had been now that they’d faced the world.
Kurt knows this. Knows forever was his and Blaine’s. He sees it in Blaine’s shy smiles when he is embarrassed and his polite words when he attempts not to not offend anyone; in Blaine’s desire to keep others happy, especially Kurt, even going as far as to attend dances in spite of his painful past with them. Blaine, who pushed Kurt out of the way of a slushie just because he knew what Kurt thought of them. Blaine, who ended up paying for that act more than anyone. Blaine, who had promised to look after Burt, since Kurt couldn’t from his place in New York.
Blaine, whom Kurt loves.
Blaine, whom Kurt couldn’t bring himself to accept back fully, not just yet. He will eventually, he is sure, but not yet. Not while Blaine is still in Lima. He and Blaine are forever and all that entails, but Kurt knows that once he accepts Blaine again, he will not be able to let him go. They would be Kurt-and-Blaine, and Kurt knows he would not be able to cope with the loneliness of New York for a second time once that happened.
So no, he isn’t moving on from Blaine like Rachel thinks. He can never truly do that, but he knew his solitary existence at NYADA could not continue. So he takes a breath and waits for Adam, catching his attention on a staircase.
Of course, it’s a staircase. And Kurt thinks of Blaine, and then thanks of his empty apartment, before he gathers his courage and gets Adam’s phone number. I just need someone to talk to. I know I’m still an outcast, and I’m not looking for a boyfriend here, but I could use a friend.
Blaine