sick
i don't know whats going on lately. i ventured up to my room lastnight probably 10 to 1, cried myself to sleep....just to wake up an feel like this....which would be complete shit. I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm not even human.....I'd like to know if anyone else feels the way I do that gets you to the point of rock bottom and doesn't seem to ever go away.
I had tim while he was here, but when he went back to ohio, I lost him.....he's not with amanda anymore, but that still doesn't mean I have him. There's plently of girls his age that I see, that like him or take a well known interest in him. Believe me...I'm sure he takes an interest back, so I don't know why he wastes his time on me when he could be with whoever, there. I won't ever be anything special....not someone to make you feel so alive everyday.....just make you feel like you're stuck in this, and there's no way out. I guess I'm too old fashion then. I like going slow and I like feeling GOOD feelings....I don't like rushing into shit cuz then I get confused...which I have been confused for who knows how many months. I'm not saying I don't wanna be with him....just wish I was...cuz with the way things are going, I'll probably never see him again. My luck you know? I'm sick of bringing him down, cuz whenever I get like this....I guess I always make him feel worse n he thinks hes to blame for all of it. I don't know why he'd want to be with me. I would like to be with him like I was when he actually was here....but thats just old memories.....and maybe thats all it is. So much time has gone by, just feels like its never gonna happen. Maybe he doesn't even know why he wants to be with me either.
I don't talk to him like everyone else. He doesn't really TALK to me less its about some party er somn thath happened. i dunno. Maybe i'm not that important and shouldn't care so much about anything. Thats usually why I find myself in this position all the time. This has nothing to do with whether I trust him or not....just how I feel....and I feel like he could do better...i saw all those girls n they all look like skinny hookers. i'm fugly. ppl made that very clear to me....and believe me, looks do matter....no matter what anyone says.
Travis is just being a dick about the whole situation. He knows that tim could go to jail, and what not, and he thinks that if he does, he can jump right in. Fuck that....b/c if i chose not to wait fer tim, i sure as hell wouldn't be with travis. He's inconsiderate....don't think he knows what any girl wants or likes....he married at 18, n had a baby....that doesn't mean he knows shit about relationships. He's like a li'l kid....and has the body of one....well besides his muscles. I wouldn't waste my time cuz he can't take anything seriously....and if he just wants a piece of ass, he can nogaciate that with heidi. I'm not one for all these one night stands or just a late night booty call....and then have to deny to other people. fuck that. I either want a real relationship or nothing at all. I'd rather be alone. Sometimes I just wish I was. I wish I didn't know what anything felt like...so I couldn't crave the attention from it. I mean I got this email from my friend Kas in Florida this morning, and it said,"i dont think you and your old man look like a very... good match? sorry.. i just hate wiggers.. specially ones that call themselves gangsters.. heh.. come to florida and throw up some weak ass set.. you'd get gun down within the moment." is that all it is to everyone?
fuck my outlook cuz I guess it doesn't matter.
I know I'm just being stupid and pouty....and I'll be feeling better ina couple days.....but sometimes i still feel that way. I love tim with everything I have. He's the first thing I think about when I wake up, and always the last thing thats on my mind before I go to bed....jus wish i could be with him.....'sted of feeling this all the time.
I had tim while he was here, but when he went back to ohio, I lost him.....he's not with amanda anymore, but that still doesn't mean I have him. There's plently of girls his age that I see, that like him or take a well known interest in him. Believe me...I'm sure he takes an interest back, so I don't know why he wastes his time on me when he could be with whoever, there. I won't ever be anything special....not someone to make you feel so alive everyday.....just make you feel like you're stuck in this, and there's no way out. I guess I'm too old fashion then. I like going slow and I like feeling GOOD feelings....I don't like rushing into shit cuz then I get confused...which I have been confused for who knows how many months. I'm not saying I don't wanna be with him....just wish I was...cuz with the way things are going, I'll probably never see him again. My luck you know? I'm sick of bringing him down, cuz whenever I get like this....I guess I always make him feel worse n he thinks hes to blame for all of it. I don't know why he'd want to be with me. I would like to be with him like I was when he actually was here....but thats just old memories.....and maybe thats all it is. So much time has gone by, just feels like its never gonna happen. Maybe he doesn't even know why he wants to be with me either.
I don't talk to him like everyone else. He doesn't really TALK to me less its about some party er somn thath happened. i dunno. Maybe i'm not that important and shouldn't care so much about anything. Thats usually why I find myself in this position all the time. This has nothing to do with whether I trust him or not....just how I feel....and I feel like he could do better...i saw all those girls n they all look like skinny hookers. i'm fugly. ppl made that very clear to me....and believe me, looks do matter....no matter what anyone says.
Travis is just being a dick about the whole situation. He knows that tim could go to jail, and what not, and he thinks that if he does, he can jump right in. Fuck that....b/c if i chose not to wait fer tim, i sure as hell wouldn't be with travis. He's inconsiderate....don't think he knows what any girl wants or likes....he married at 18, n had a baby....that doesn't mean he knows shit about relationships. He's like a li'l kid....and has the body of one....well besides his muscles. I wouldn't waste my time cuz he can't take anything seriously....and if he just wants a piece of ass, he can nogaciate that with heidi. I'm not one for all these one night stands or just a late night booty call....and then have to deny to other people. fuck that. I either want a real relationship or nothing at all. I'd rather be alone. Sometimes I just wish I was. I wish I didn't know what anything felt like...so I couldn't crave the attention from it. I mean I got this email from my friend Kas in Florida this morning, and it said,"i dont think you and your old man look like a very... good match? sorry.. i just hate wiggers.. specially ones that call themselves gangsters.. heh.. come to florida and throw up some weak ass set.. you'd get gun down within the moment." is that all it is to everyone?
fuck my outlook cuz I guess it doesn't matter.
I know I'm just being stupid and pouty....and I'll be feeling better ina couple days.....but sometimes i still feel that way. I love tim with everything I have. He's the first thing I think about when I wake up, and always the last thing thats on my mind before I go to bed....jus wish i could be with him.....'sted of feeling this all the time.