whats wrong with me?
i wish my life had value.....
feelin purdy shittayyy.....
ima stop buying pot....you don't havta believe me...but im not buying it like i use to anymore. heidi can suck it up...no fuck her....fuck her and fuckg me for babying the shit outta her. shes all like "you gettin a bag today?" like...ima just do it cuz i dont have much left. i told her no....no more money...n shes like "shit" n "shit" again when i told her there wasn't much left...yes SHIT....buy yer own damn pot....does she not see the hole im digging myself? with that money...i should be paying off my doctor bills, cellphone bill, perscription bill, my fucking fine!...saving up!....but no, im puttin gas in her car, pot fer the both of us, her cigarettes n mine...n dinner fer both of us....and shes the one with the so called "job"
i love pot. i think its the only thing i have right now that makes me feel sane....sort of gives me the feeling that everything is going to be okay...cuz when im stoned....its just how i really feel....you can't really lie to yourself with yer stoned. sort of impossible. i wanna do somn with my life tho. an this bullshit of smoking all day, everyday is stoppin that. i wanna hava job to go to everyday....have a nice sum of money in the bank...a fucking car!....i miss my car. i miss having a car. when my family would drive me nuts, i'd just leave to cool off...i can't even do that anymore....my mums on my ass...i understand!....i just have issues. i dunno what they are...but its not something she'd ever understand. what the fuck is wrong with me?
eh. i ditched ashley. i feel bad...but im not gonna get wasted with a buncha ppl i don't know...n be stuck there til someone decides to take me home. if it was just me n her...to catch up on things that'd be cool. i wanna know whats goin on with her n adam. they're on a "break" n she moved out n is livin in chilton. im way happy fer her tho. adams a cool guy...he usta be a useless drunk/stoner...but she did well on changing him. he works all the time n isa good boy to her. sort of jealous. she has a boy to come home to every day, n to go to bed with every night. i wish i had that...cuz right now i just feel empty...lonely....shitty....low.....dirt. eh.
tim told me he'd be online but hes not. *sigh* i dunno why i bother to ask him sometimes..cuz if he really doesnt wanna...all he hasta say is no...much rather have that...thena yes...and wait all night for no call or no him coming online. argh. frustrating. i get reallly mad sometimes about it. he asked me why i don't call him to just call n talk....er one...he is NEVER home, that or whoever answers lies to me n says hes not there when he is...or if hes gone...they wont give him the msg that i called...why bother? when i use to...i felt bad...i don't want to annoy the fuck outta them n call all the time to get the same fucking "no, hes not." he could call me tho...hey you know....me....with the cellphone that goes everywhere i go...the phone i always answer....whether im sleeping or not....whatever. i guess im making a big deal outta nuthin....i miss talkin to him everynight before going to bed.
dunno what ima do if he goes to jail...n i put myself thru all this...an end up not being able to be with him. its bad enough that i already don't feel good enough cuz he hadda be with someone else....wasn't good enough to tell the truth for....and that its been 6 months since i've seen him...so who knows how much longer it'll be til i see him again...if i get to see him again. i hate that feeling. i just wanna know. i don't know....argh. i love him to bits n pieces....but i wish he'd take more responsibility....instead of takin the easy way soemtimes....like hustlin fer money instead of workin fer it...backin out or just leavin n goin home. i don't know? i know im not one to always talk...but i wanna change that and I AM. i wish he'd stop gettin into trouble. i understand not all of it is his fault....but with the driving under suspensions...he told me he has a lot. so you'd think he'd learn to not drive anymores....er fights... NO fights....doesn't make you a bigger man cuz you know how to fight. doesn't make you a bigger man from lettin someone beat the shit outta you instead of running away. not worrying about what makes you the bigger man...and doing the RIGHT thing...is what makes you the better person. some punk wants to fight you..fuck them....is he gonna end up fighting everyone that hasa problem with him? when hes 80, if a dude cuts him off ina grocery store line, is he gonna try to powerbomb him in the checkout? argh. fighting and going out all the time...is what gets him in trouble. i dont want him introuble. i don't like the fact that i could be losing him cuz of a stupid inncident that happened...that could have been prevented. i want him to want what i want...which is to be together. i wanna be a bedder person....n have something to look forward to when i wake up in the morning. i wanna be happy...i wanna be happy n have someone to share that with. i dont wanna havta see the person i love go to jail...have my heart competely crushed .... all hope lost b/c hes behind bars n here i am...alone once again.
i hate feeling alone...and i hate how it feels like it'll never go away.
feelin purdy shittayyy.....
ima stop buying pot....you don't havta believe me...but im not buying it like i use to anymore. heidi can suck it up...no fuck her....fuck her and fuckg me for babying the shit outta her. shes all like "you gettin a bag today?" like...ima just do it cuz i dont have much left. i told her no....no more money...n shes like "shit" n "shit" again when i told her there wasn't much left...yes SHIT....buy yer own damn pot....does she not see the hole im digging myself? with that money...i should be paying off my doctor bills, cellphone bill, perscription bill, my fucking fine!...saving up!....but no, im puttin gas in her car, pot fer the both of us, her cigarettes n mine...n dinner fer both of us....and shes the one with the so called "job"
i love pot. i think its the only thing i have right now that makes me feel sane....sort of gives me the feeling that everything is going to be okay...cuz when im stoned....its just how i really feel....you can't really lie to yourself with yer stoned. sort of impossible. i wanna do somn with my life tho. an this bullshit of smoking all day, everyday is stoppin that. i wanna hava job to go to everyday....have a nice sum of money in the bank...a fucking car!....i miss my car. i miss having a car. when my family would drive me nuts, i'd just leave to cool off...i can't even do that anymore....my mums on my ass...i understand!....i just have issues. i dunno what they are...but its not something she'd ever understand. what the fuck is wrong with me?
eh. i ditched ashley. i feel bad...but im not gonna get wasted with a buncha ppl i don't know...n be stuck there til someone decides to take me home. if it was just me n her...to catch up on things that'd be cool. i wanna know whats goin on with her n adam. they're on a "break" n she moved out n is livin in chilton. im way happy fer her tho. adams a cool guy...he usta be a useless drunk/stoner...but she did well on changing him. he works all the time n isa good boy to her. sort of jealous. she has a boy to come home to every day, n to go to bed with every night. i wish i had that...cuz right now i just feel empty...lonely....shitty....low.....dirt. eh.
tim told me he'd be online but hes not. *sigh* i dunno why i bother to ask him sometimes..cuz if he really doesnt wanna...all he hasta say is no...much rather have that...thena yes...and wait all night for no call or no him coming online. argh. frustrating. i get reallly mad sometimes about it. he asked me why i don't call him to just call n talk....er one...he is NEVER home, that or whoever answers lies to me n says hes not there when he is...or if hes gone...they wont give him the msg that i called...why bother? when i use to...i felt bad...i don't want to annoy the fuck outta them n call all the time to get the same fucking "no, hes not." he could call me tho...hey you know....me....with the cellphone that goes everywhere i go...the phone i always answer....whether im sleeping or not....whatever. i guess im making a big deal outta nuthin....i miss talkin to him everynight before going to bed.
dunno what ima do if he goes to jail...n i put myself thru all this...an end up not being able to be with him. its bad enough that i already don't feel good enough cuz he hadda be with someone else....wasn't good enough to tell the truth for....and that its been 6 months since i've seen him...so who knows how much longer it'll be til i see him again...if i get to see him again. i hate that feeling. i just wanna know. i don't know....argh. i love him to bits n pieces....but i wish he'd take more responsibility....instead of takin the easy way soemtimes....like hustlin fer money instead of workin fer it...backin out or just leavin n goin home. i don't know? i know im not one to always talk...but i wanna change that and I AM. i wish he'd stop gettin into trouble. i understand not all of it is his fault....but with the driving under suspensions...he told me he has a lot. so you'd think he'd learn to not drive anymores....er fights... NO fights....doesn't make you a bigger man cuz you know how to fight. doesn't make you a bigger man from lettin someone beat the shit outta you instead of running away. not worrying about what makes you the bigger man...and doing the RIGHT thing...is what makes you the better person. some punk wants to fight you..fuck them....is he gonna end up fighting everyone that hasa problem with him? when hes 80, if a dude cuts him off ina grocery store line, is he gonna try to powerbomb him in the checkout? argh. fighting and going out all the time...is what gets him in trouble. i dont want him introuble. i don't like the fact that i could be losing him cuz of a stupid inncident that happened...that could have been prevented. i want him to want what i want...which is to be together. i wanna be a bedder person....n have something to look forward to when i wake up in the morning. i wanna be happy...i wanna be happy n have someone to share that with. i dont wanna havta see the person i love go to jail...have my heart competely crushed .... all hope lost b/c hes behind bars n here i am...alone once again.
i hate feeling alone...and i hate how it feels like it'll never go away.